


Blood Makes Noise

by Queen (ramble)



Category: Glee
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Coping, Fall Semester, HIV/AIDS, Klaine Friendly, M/M, NYADA, New York City, Non-Explicit Sex, Post Season 5, Sexual Assault, Sexual Harassment, hiv/aids scare, overcoming, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-05 23:37:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 58,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1836325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ramble/pseuds/Queen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt thought he could just bury his secret and it would go away. The semester would end and he would never have to see his attacker again. He would never have to weigh down his friends, family, or fiance with what happened to him. Like every slushie facial and dumpster toss, this too would become an inconsequential part of his past. It wasn't even a real attack anyway, not technically.</p><p>For not being real, though, it sure had some very real consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I Will Possess Your Heart

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warning: There will also be a lot of discussion about very heavy topics (sexual assault and the aftermath). I tried to do full research for the things I have not and could never have specifically experienced including studying first-hand accounts at length. I like accuracy and I hope I was able to capture it to the extent that I am able for your reading pleasure.
> 
> Original characters are used to fill roles where no canon characters would fit and I promise they are not central features. This is primarily a story about Kurt and Blaine as a couple and overcoming something that has torn many strong couples before them apart. 
> 
> All chapter titles are titles of a song, and I would love very much if you don't think the song fits if you could suggest one that you think does. You never know, I might replace the current title with your suggestion!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 1: I Will Possess Your Heart, by Death Cab for Cutie  
> Who would sing it: The OCs  
> Link (short version): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PsCV61zsdtA

It was a wonder how school always managed to start on the hottest day of the year. Even if it wasn’t officially the hottest day, it would no doubt feel like it was. Even back when Kurt and Blaine had first started school as cute little tots in the 90s they’d known this fact. It was also a fact that schools did not have adequate air conditioning. This was true even now at NYADA. Blaine held his hand out expectantly as Kurt pulled off his scarf. As nice as it looked it was just making him sweat. Not something Blaine would complain about either way, of course, but clearly Kurt was uncomfortable. With a knowing smile on his face he tucked the thing into his bag and took hold of Kurt’s hand. Then they pushed in through the front doors.

This time, the school doors were a gateway to another new world. They had both experienced popularity to some degree before - as Warblers and at NYADA - but this something much more grand. Somewhere between spring and autumn semester they had become idols.

Blaine’s fingers maneuvered their way between Kurt’s as another person smiled and waved and stared at them. “They are so staring at you,” he teased. It had been a long while since he’d gotten Kurt to blush and he’d been trying very hard to recreate that coyness his fiancé had back when they had both been at Dalton. Kurt was far too experienced now though. He couldn’t act shy if his life depended on it. Well, for Blaine at least.

Sure enough this comment, despite earning him a kiss, was devoid of any blushing. “Of course. Not just me though.” Kurt started to trace a finger along Blaine’s chin before pointing to their left. There was a girl who seemed to have been frozen in time, wide eyed and slack jawed and entirely focused on Blaine. She had to have been one of the new students because Kurt had definitely never seen her before. He was at least vaguely familiar with pretty much everyone. Nine classes a semester did mean he spent a lot of time here last year. Plus the girl almost made him had to take a double take to make sure she wasn’t Rachel. Despite her wardrobe, she was much too short. And her nose was too tiny for her face. “Hi,” he greeted her. She didn’t respond. To him at least.

“Is there anything we can help you with?” Blaine asked. His voice was kind and understanding. He remembered his first day at Dalton. Starry eyed and alone with no Kurt to show him around and introduce him to people who could become his friends, people that he would at least know so he wasn’t completely lost in a sea. This girl strongly resembled fourteen year old Blaine-the-Freshman in the middle of spring fresh off his transfer.

“Oh, no, not really, I just. Hi. I’m Felicia!” Her hand extended out specifically to Blaine. Kurt couldn’t help but smile. Blaine had always been a bit of a ladies man. Especially in those skin tight pants of his. Surprisingly, though, the matchy outfits and Blaine’s little bow tie didn’t seem to make things obvious enough for the girls. Though Kurt couldn’t blame anyone for getting lost in those beautiful dark eyes. Then Blaine made it worse every time he spoke.

“Felicia, nice to meet you. I’m Blaine. This is Kurt, my fiancé.” Blaine had picked up on it too. His handshake was quick before nudging her hand toward Kurt’s. This time it was Felicia who made sure the handshake lasted less than a second.

“Hi.” The awkwardness hung in the air like an overripe cherry. Kurt shifted his weight so that it leaned more towards Blaine and returned the fingers of his left hand to the spaces between those of Blaine’s right. He made sure his ring caught the sunlight that was coming into the halls. The girl’s eyes were attracted to it just for a moment before returning to Blaine’s eyes.

Blaine squeezed Kurt’s hand. They were both too nice to tell Felicia to get lost. She seemed sweet enough. Aside from playing up the schoolgirl look, she had two tightly braided pigtails to round out her innocent appearance. The girl licked her lips and fidgeted for a moment. “Do you need help finding your classes?” Kurt offered. “We have a bit of time before ours. This is a small school, we could show you the way. Once you’ve been here for a week you tend to know where everything is. It’s not like the size of Ohio State or anything like that.”

“How big is Ohio State?” Felicia asked.

“Giant,” Blaine responded. “Something around 60,000 students now is it?”

“Wow, that’s big. My state uni has half that.” The silence returned between them as the joke was mangled beyond repair. Plus the girl was still staring at Blaine. Kurt was really itching to turn and give him another kiss but that would be childish of him. Not to mention rather socially inept and rude. He’d grown far too much in recent years to be acting like a jealous little girl now.

“So, class, did you need help?” Kurt spoke up again.

“Oh! Yeah, that’d be great. I need to find the dance studio for…”

“The required Freshman dance class for all musical theater majors?”

“That’s the one!”

“Good luck in that,” Blaine laughed as he started walking. Kurt kept right at his side. Felicia fell in on the other. “Just remember: It’s hard for a reason. It’s one of those weeding classes meant to get people out of the program early if it turns out this isn’t the program for them.”

“So did you have it?”

“Yeah, we both did. Both left top in the class too.”

“Like you were first he was second or what?”

“I started at NYADA a semester before Blaine,” Kurt clarified. “He was one of Tibideaux’s top picks for last fall.” He walked very close to Blaine, making sure their bodies brushed against each other as much as possible. “This man has the most phenomenal voice. And his acting isn’t half bad either.”

“Well, this man is my hero,” Blaine half-cooed back. “Don’t let his sweet smile fool you either. He saved someone last year from being bashed. It is absolutely amazing how lucky I am.”

“It really is.” Kurt tilted his head very briefly to rest against Blaine’s shoulder. Felicia’s nose wrinkle up as she passed un-uttered judgements over them. Well, over Kurt.

“So! You seem really popular around here,” Felicia said. Their hands darted up to wave at another person who was passing. Someone that had never really talked to them before but had definitely decided it was worth their time to send them a friendly smile, so they returned the favor with a wave. As Blaine had pointed out, a lot of the guys seemed particularly interested in Kurt while the girls mostly appeared content to fawn over them as a pair. If stereotypes were true then they were probably wondering why all the nice guys were gay. “Uhm, how long have you been dating?”

“We met in September of 2010 and we’ve been engaged for a year and a half,” Kurt was quick to say. The question of dating was a bit messier because of the clear fact that they’d had a pretty deep relationship before they got together the first time and their temporary break up and that their relationship hadn’t even lessened in its intensity while they were separated (even if Kurt had tried his hardest to make it do just that). Not to mention Kurt wasn’t going to pass up an opportunity to once again remind the girl that Blaine wasn’t just not on the market but that he wasn’t even remotely ever going to be in her arena. It really was for the best she figured that out fast. After another dirty look it became transparently clear he wasn’t hitting it off very well with the girl. She didn’t even hide how she gritted her teeth together in frustration with his mere existence.

“Well, that’s a real shame for all the boys and girls around here, isn’t it?” she finally said. Clearly it was an attempt at a joke. Now was Kurt’s turn to roll his eyes and clench his jaw.

“Just the boys,” Blaine told her bluntly as he squeezed Kurt’s hand again. “We’re both gay.” Felicia just shrugged her shoulder.

“The girls can still be disappointed.”

“I suppose they can be. Anyway, this is your dance studio. I’d tell you to have a good time but seeing as odds are pretty good the professor will do everything she can to make sure you don’t so...break a leg?”

“Thanks.” Felicia actually backed herself into the studio so she could keep her eyes on Blaine. Kurt waited until she finally turned to look at the class before pulling his fiancé down the hall.

“That was a bit creepy.”

“Creepier than papa-paparazzi,” Kurt agreed. “That girl really can’t take a hint.”

“I wonder if we’d have to dress in drag to get her to figure it out.”

“Just you, Blaine.” Kurt spun on his toes and wrapped his arms around him. “Mr. Ladies Man.”

“Hey hey, what about you? How many times have you had to spell it out for your male customers?”

“Guests. And most of them are tourists who probably haven’t seen very many proud gay men before. Like Dave, they are all star struck and hoping that first one is the one so they don’t have to keep looking in a small town where their chances are slim.”

“Hm, why does that sound familiar?” Kurt pressed a kiss on Blaine’s lips.

“Sometimes he is the one. But, too bad for them, I already found mine. They’re just going to have to look somewhere else. Now, we’re going to be late if we don’t get a move on.” As quickly as their embrace had begun, it ended, and they were off. “Lets see, after lunch today I have three wonderful hours of piano lessons while you’re in jazz and then...I’m free for the evening.”

“But I still have theory tonight from six to nine.”

“Right! That is tonight. Hm. Well. I suppose it doesn’t hurt to get some extra practice in, get a head start on things if I can. I’ll be in our usual studio?”

“Then we’ll grab dinner after? Or maybe we should just head straight on home, hm?” Still no blush but he did at least get a little shoulder shove action and he could see Kurt’s eyes darting around in an almost shy manner.

Their schedules were much messier this semester but in some ways that was a good thing. The loft was all theirs and while they’d been doing much better this time around Kurt was still struggling with the constant Blaine. It wasn’t that he was doing anything wrong. Everything was absolutely romantic and dreamy, as always. The moment when Blaine had found out that Kurt was a hopeless romantic type really had sealed Kurt’s fate. Even when they were still ‘just friends’ Blaine had already been playing with the little moments and really all bets were off after that first performance on the steps outside of McKinley. Blaine knew all of the ways to get straight to the center of Kurt’s heart and it was clear that he loved the trip.

What was frustrating was how hard it was to reciprocate those gestures. Blaine was very much on top of them which left very little room for Kurt to romance him back. The only time he managed to get the upper hand was when he stopped to grab flowers on the way home from work if he got out early enough. They could really have far worse problems than that. So he was going to continue to suck it up because he would put up with all of that to wake up every morning to see Blaine with nothing more covering his body than the tray that held Kurt’s breakfast. Of course clothes were very much optional now that they had no roommates.

“By the way,” Kurt whispered. “You aren’t the only lucky person in this relationship.” Before Blaine could retaliate one of their “Stage Fighting II” classmates waved them on into their studio. They’d both agreed that since Stage Fighting was one of the best classes they’d taken they had to go back for more. This term touted a focus on unarmed combat. It even mentioned they might meet a professional wrestler. Not Kurt and Blaine’s usual cup of tea but it certainly didn’t hurt check something like that out at least once. Professional wrestlers were actors too after all.

A lot of the same people from the previous semester were there mixed with a couple of somewhat new faces. No one was completely new though that was to be expected with a level two class. It was interesting to note, however, that all the students in this class appeared to be male.

The boys were all gathered in a corner of the room, gossiping in a manner that would make girls do a double take. “I heard Riley’s single again,” someone said. “And you know what happens when she’s on the market!” Surprisingly one of the reasons Kurt preferred hanging out with girls was because they actually gossiped less than boys. Or at least they gossiped about things that Kurt cared to keep up with. The guys were always talking about which lady was single, which ones were easy, and what had gone down on the latest popular multiplayer RPG the night before. Blaine was interested in one out of three of those so he fared better than Kurt on principle. Plus Blaine always seemed to be better at giving the boys advice on girls where as Kurt was the great mind when it came to helping girls with their boy problems. He was sure that was just because of who they’d always spent their time around. Even swapping childhood stories it was clear Kurt had been more inclined to hang out with the girls from a young age.

“I heard she’s single because she gave her boyfriend AIDS,” another boy said. “Shame. She’s hot too. I was hoping to catch her at that party this weekend. Not now of course.”

“Hopefully she doesn’t go,” a third said. “I can’t tell up from down when I’m drunk and I don’t want to get that.” There was a roll of laughter in the room. Like this was some joke.

“Hey, it’s not funny,” Kurt found himself scolding. “That’s a serious disease. And she wouldn’t have given him AIDS. It’d be HIV.”

“Whatever. She only got it because she’s a slut,” he heard.

“Not everyone who sleeps with more than one person is some kind of slut.”

“Like you’d understand. Have either of you ever even slept with anyone besides each other?” Blaine glanced down to his shoes and Kurt trained his eyes on his engagement ring. Even if he hadn’t gone ‘all the way’ with that stupid thieving sexy Santa he’d gotten close enough to it to feel like he’d been dropped in the middle of a barnyard every time he thought about his one near-sexual encounter that wasn’t Blaine. It was worse because that was the kind of encounter that earned people nasty labels. Thank goodness very few people knew about it. Of course they didn’t talk about Eli now that he was completely in the past.

“Oh-ho!” someone laughed. “Looks like they do know a thing or two.” The guys were just trying to have a little fun, it was clear enough in their voices. These guys weren’t really the types to be trying to hurt them. It was still highly inappropriate.

“So who’s the cheater and who’s the forgiver?”  Most of these guys had already gone through several girlfriends while being at NYADA. A lot of them still talked about how they weren’t ready to settle down and commit to one girl despite really loving their girlfriend.

“That was a long time ago and it’s not important anymore,” Kurt stated in a firm voice. The room grew quiet. It was even more awkward than the conversation with Felicia. Everyone had just assumed there had never been any problems between the two of them. Since Blaine had been here neither had shown any signs of having interests in anyone else. They had especially shown no signs of any past cheating. Kurt noticed Blaine’s shoulders tensing up and he reached over to squeeze his fiancé’s hand. It was important for everyone to see that despite whatever happened they had worked through it and while it still stung they were a pair and they were going to be getting married. The same could be very possible for the rest of them. They just had to find the right person.

“Hey, no harm no foul, right?” a big guy in the back offered. His arms were crossed and he was leaning against the wall but just at a quick glance Kurt could tell he was as big as Finn had been. Maybe bigger. “You guys are still together so someone is clearly the forgiving type yeah?” Kurt could feel his skin prickling. He wrapped his arm around Blaine’s waist. This man was staring right at him. Almost without blinking. “But you’re wrong about Riley. She’ll sleep with anyone who’ll have her. Girl has no morals. Watch out. If either of you are bi she’ll definitely steal you away too. Hell you don’t even have to be bi. She’ll find a way. If you’re a guy, watch out.” Every word he spoke was sent straight at Kurt’s eyes like bullets. He could feel the goosebumps prickling up on his arms.

“Ok class!” their teacher paraded in. “Alright, you’ve all had me before so you know what I’m going to say. Warm up! While you do my new TA is going to introduce himself. Unless you already have, Austin?”

“Sorta,” the giant said. Kurt was frozen as he straightened himself out to full height. Definitely bigger than Finn. Was that humanly possible? As Austin walked in his direction Kurt figured he only had a few inches on Finn, from what he remembered, comparing his own eye level. The reason he looked so massive was the extra large size of the muscles in his arms. This guy looked like he lived in a gym. “Hey. I’m Austin Peters. Uhm. I got my bachelors last spring, now I’m specializing in all this physical stuff.” He paused for laughter but only got a couple of chuckles. He was definitely well on his way to being a teacher already. Rule number one seemed to be that they all had to make very bad jokes. “I’m helping out with fight choreography on an off-broadway revival of Pirates of Penzance that comes out in January. I expect to see you all there to see what real fake fighting looks like in action. In the meantime, why is no one warming up yet? Come on, don’t let your teacher down.”

All the boys lined up to go through the usual warm up routine. Their professor stood at the front and kept an eye on the whole class while Mr. Giant walked the lines to make sure everyone was in good form. Kurt held his breath when Austin paused beside him. He leaned over. His hand came down to rest heavily on Kurt’s shoulder. The other settled on his back. Then Austin corrected his posture. Suddenly Kurt felt like he needed to shower. No, that was presumptuous of him. Having a guy stare into his soul didn’t mean that said guy was then going to start hitting on him. He was just doing his job. Assisting with the teaching.

With the help of some very deep breathing Kurt was able to get through the class without causing a scene. Austin was just big and awkward, just like Finn had been. That was all.


	2. I Think I'm Paranoid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 - I Think I'm Paranoid, by Garbage  
> Singer: Kurt (ft Austin)  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYhZq1CaX8o

Their day as NYADA idols had gotten better than a creepy freshman and an even creepier TA. When they’d popped down to lunch a fairly large number of upperclassmen had swarmed them. The Freshmen didn’t even stand a chance. Kurt was actually thankful for that because he could see Felicia hovering among them. Still staring at Blaine. If they’d been alone they probably would have had to face her down again. As luck would have it she was no where to be found after lunch. They would have time to come up with a game plan before seeing her again.

The downside of that was that the two of them hadn’t gotten a single moment alone all day - separately or together. They had been completely bombarded. Mostly with requests to hang out at June’s events. Meaning everyone wanted to know if there was any way to get in. To which they gave the response June had told them to give: Everyone was welcome to buy a ticket if they could afford it. But of course grand romantic lunchtime spectacles would always be free. Kurt was definitely planning one for Blaine’s birthday. Then Blaine would probably reciprocate as normally he would be the one to initiate such a grand romantic gesture. Actually Kurt would be very lucky if he managed to beat Blaine to it this time as he’d involved other people. Though he had sworn them to complete secrecy in the name of free desserts at the diner. Bribes usually helped in events such as these.

Kurt dug his fingers into Blaine’s blazer and yanked his body close. It was five minutes until Mr. Anderson had to go in for theory and the hall outside the room was actually empty. Blaine settled his arms lightly around Kurt’s waist as the fading scent of the colognes they’d dabbed on that morning filled their senses. “I have to go to class you know,” he teased.

“You have five minutes.”

“Not long enough, sadly.”

“We’ll have plenty of time tonight.” Blaine couldn’t take that answer. His lips brushed gently against his fiancé’s before they both decided that they needed more. There was no flavor more addictive.

Kurt could never have enough of Blaine’s kisses. Sometimes hard, sometimes soft, never forcing more from him than he could give. Blaine was incredibly attentive to Kurt’s physical signals. When they were kissing all of his focus was on Kurt. Just Kurt. He had always been that way. Kurt tried to offer the same consistent understanding but when he got excited he knew he could get a little pushy. They had a whole list of things Blaine had said to get Kurt to dial it back a bit. Anything that was notably not-sexual but not a complete turn off usually worked (typically food items or animals since those were easy words). Of course Kurt could do the same if he needed to, but he never had. Blaine had only been too forceful once and that had involved alcohol.

Blaine’s phone buzzed for his one minute alarm. They knew this would happen. Kurt dug a little deeper for one brief, promissory moment before pulling back and resting their foreheads together. “See you after class. I love you Blaine.”

“I love you too.” He disentangled himself. With a little smirk on his face he attempted to back into the classroom so he could keep his eyes on Kurt. Which, when the person wasn’t a creepy stranger that wasn’t taking a hint or even a hammer smashing on their head, was kind of the most adorable thing in the known universe. That little plan quickly backfired as he walked himself right into the doorframe.

“Hey hey don’t hurt yourself!” With a smile and a laugh he was gone. Kurt turned quickly and headed upstairs to their favorite practice room. It tended to be empty, especially in the evening hours. That was probably because it was on the top floor in a building where the only elevator was iffy at best. He dropped his bag just inside the doorway and immediately dropped to stretching. Despite being male he was developing a very good physical range.

The silence over the room pounded inside Kurt’s head. It gave him room to think. That was a problem. He found himself grateful for the bothersome constant attention that had followed him today. They had kept his mind turned to trivial repetitions and off of things that were bothering him. Like Austin and, since he was being honest with himself, Felicia. Austin was just kind of vaguely creepy but Felicia had been overtly so. How much clearer did it get then ‘my fiancé?’ Did they have to explain to her what gay meant too? Hadn’t they done that already? Kurt did remember hearing people whispering in the halls last year that they suspected Blaine was bi. Which was absurd. Not that Kurt was against people who were bi but Blaine wasn’t. They’d covered that well enough already.

There was also a layer that was upset that people were judging them solely on how they looked. If they thought that because Blaine presented in a more traditionally alpha manner that meant he had to like girls then Kurt worried that people were implying he was a girl. Well, clearly not that he was female but that he was more girly than manly. He didn’t object when the girls called on him to join in with girl talk but that did not mean he wasn’t very much male and it definitely didn’t mean he wanted to be treated like a woman.

The insult had been brewing inside of him for years. Mostly because of one Sue Sylvester and her constant insinuations. The dress she’d thrown at him. Lady. At least she’d had the decency to change her nickname for him when the bullying was at its worst but the fact that Santana had gone on calling him Lady Hummel had just kept the name alive. Even though he let the things his friends said go as they really didn’t mean harm, he really felt he had a lot of stereotypical imagery to overcome.

Blaine had been the second out and proud gay man at McKinley. Kurt had been the first. He had carried all those expectations and negative opinions of ‘their type’ on his shoulders for years before Blaine had arrived. McKinley really had become a very different school by then. Not perfect. It wouldn’t be perfect for a long time. But with all of them (Unique too) things were getting better. The thoughts still swarmed around in Kurt’s mind though. They’d been constantly with him since that attack last winter. The two attackers, the way they’d responded to his presence and the way he suspected they had chosen their victim that night. He’d seen the second one flapping his arms around and he’d heard the squealing noises. It was one of the last things he clearly remembered about the evening. People associated him and all gay men like him with weakness. Something that was fragile and easy to hurt. They were wrong. So he pushed himself harder, physically, to overcome the image.

Twenty push ups. Thirty. Fifty.

He didn’t let up until his arms were quivering. Then he went straight into reviewing the movements he thought he might need for his classes this semester. Starting with stage fighting. Austin wasn’t going to have the opportunity to touch him again.

Kurt tossed his shirt off and faced the mirror, arms up and at the ready. This class was called ‘fighting’ but it was primarily about safety and form. He rolled his shoulders and launched into the punching sequence they’d worked on that morning. Blaine with his boxing experience was already the class star. “One two three four!” Kurt hissed to himself as he pushed through the motions. A figure in the doorway barely caught his attention. He repeated the motions.

“Your footwork is sloppy, and your shoulders are too loose.” Austin. Kurt took a deep breath.

“That’s why I’m practicing.”

“You’re a good student.” The giant crossed the room and took the stance beside him. “The motions go like this.” His form was tight and perfect. Kurt felt his shoulders tensing up as he copied the movements. “Where’s your fiancé?”

“Class.”

“Waiting for him?”

“Yes.” Kurt kept repeating the motions.

“You’re going to hurt yourself if you keep up like that. Relax your shoulders but don’t let them become so loose your arms turn into noodles.” Austin’s voice was prickling the hair on the back of Kurt’s neck. Still the young man pressed on, working hard to get these moves down. “So about class this morning. I don’t suppose you’d be able to give someone else advice on a situation like that?”

“Like what? Getting drunk at a party?”

“No. When a man cheats on their boyfriend. What do you think that boyfriend should do?” Kurt really didn’t like the insinuation he heard in that voice.

“First they both need to take some time apart for the cheater to fully understand why that happened and what that means to the person who’s heart they broke and for the boyfriend to really come to terms with how far the relationship really goes for him. Then if they’re still sure that they’re both the one they can start talking again and rebuilding trust. They should not start making moves towards dating again until trust has been established. They definitely shouldn’t have sex. Though that’s easier said than done.” Sleeping with Blaine then had been a cruel mistake. Even though deep down he knew he wanted to be Blaine’s boyfriend again, at the time he had been using Blaine.

“You really do have experience with this stuff don’t you?” Austin moved closer to him. “What sort of things drive a man to cheat?”

“Don’t ask me that. I don’t know how it goes with most men. For us it was a distance thing, a lack of attention and a lack of communication.” On both counts - with what  Blaine had done and when Kurt had been shooting flirty texts around with Chandler. “We fixed those problems. And we talk about everything and keep it all out in the open.”

“No secrets huh? Is it hard having your entire life exposed, having no private life at all?” It was really getting irritating how Austin was continually talking in questions. Kurt took a deep breath and pushed through the movements again and again, not even offering a shrug in response. They really didn’t need to keep secrets. Not for long anyway. Of course it was a ‘secret’ that Kurt was going to surprise Blaine on his birthday but that was different. “I think you’ve improved quite a bit just in the last ten minutes. Why don’t I give you a head start on tomorrow’s lesson.”

“What’s the lesson?” Austin didn’t give him an audible response. Instead he took the question directly as permission and reached over to grab Kurt’s arms. The smaller man yanked himself away. Austin was persistent though.

“Easy! Our first unit is on believably escaping holds. A lot of shows involve the hero being snuck up on or caught. This usually starts a battle sequence, but you want it to be believable all the way through.”

“I’d prefer to wait to do that tomorrow with Blaine.”

“I know you trust him but you’re not necessarily going to have someone familiar with your strengths and weaknesses on stage with you. You need to step out of your comfort zone if you’re going to land any leads. Or have you given up on musical theater? I did hear June Dalloway has taken a liking to you. Probably don’t even need Broadway anymore to get famous.”

“I’m not interested in Broadway for the fame.” While it didn’t hurt, what Kurt wanted was the enchantment of the stage. Rachel had gotten bored and that did worry him but there was a certain something he always felt when he was on a stage. Even in the chorus. Rachel was constantly put in the center so maybe she really had never had the chance to develop any humility and see the wonder of theater from the background forward.

“You can trust me,” Austin switched gears. “I’m like your second teacher. I want you to succeed. I want you to achieve your dreams.” The tone still had him worried but he really didn’t have a reason to turn Austin down. If the guy was genuine, which he most likely was, Kurt would be extra prepared for next class. If there was something else going on Kurt was sure it wouldn’t be too hard to just leave. There wasn’t a water fountain here so he could grab his bag and use that excuse to go wait outside Blaine’s classroom.

So he took a deep breath before straightening his back and resuming their ‘home base’ stance. Austin moved behind him and wrapped an arm around. “This is a basic maneuver. When someone does this – “ He rested an arm loosely around Kurt’s neck. For a moment Kurt could feel the hands of the attacker from last year but he forced down another deep breath. This class was going to be very good for him. What they learned in it was meant to create an illusion but they were also going to be learning very real moves so they could understand the difference.  “Since they’re fully behind you your ability to use your arms are going to be limited. Especially if they – “ Austin’s other arm wrapped around Kurt’s chest, pressing his cold skin against Kurt’s hot chest.

“It’s a bit chilly in here,” Kurt stated. He wasn’t comfortable in the slightest. The idea of being trapped was terrifying. Trapped and held to the ground with a fist repeatedly pounding into his face. Kurt tried to convince himself that he was only uncomfortable because of what had happened. He never really talked about or addressed the problems from last year because he was sure he was taking care of it. He’d felt fine after all, for the most part. In the present, Austin had done nothing to warrant this reaction. He’d helped them that morning and he was helping Kurt better himself now. Like he said - Austin was a teacher. An assistant to one, officially, but that was close enough to the real deal. Their professor was taking him very seriously at least.

“When we get moving you’ll warm up quick.” The voice was sickeningly sweet. “Now, when someone has you trapped like this, normally you would want to stomp on their foot.” Kurt was very tempted to do just that. But what would he do after? Run? That was if Austin let go. Considering Austin knew what he was doing here odds were pretty slim he’d be startled by that. “There’s also head butting, but both of these have the same problem.”

“What’s- “ Austin moved his mouth closer to Kurt’s ear. The hot air rushed over his face. Kurt could feel his heart picking up its pace. This wasn’t right. This wasn’t normal.

“They’re hard to do believably on stage without hurting yourself or the other actor. The foot stomp is easier.” He tried to turn their bodies to face the mirror. “Relax would you? You are so tense.”

“I’m not really comfortable with this.”

“Why’s that?” Kurt felt the arm around his neck tighten. He started to struggle but he didn’t go for the points just yet. At least he had a defense.

“You’re too close!”

“What did you expect? Can’t teach you how to get out of a hold without showing you. Sure I could say all the technical terms but they don’t really mean anything. Come on now, take a deep breath. Relax. You’re going to be fine.” Austin didn’t loosen his grip so Kurt didn’t stop struggling.

“I think I’ll wait until tomorrow for this lesson.” Kurt knew what Austin wanted. Austin knew Kurt knew. “I’m done with this. I need to go find Blaine.” Kurt grabbed the arm around his neck and pulled. Well, tried.

The arms weren’t budging. They locked eyes through the mirror. Austin was already three steps ahead of Kurt as the smaller man tried the two techniques he’d just been told. Stomping and head butting. The arm constricted to tilt his head back against Austin’s shoulder to stop the latter while the other hand grabbed hold of one of his wrists. Austin stepped out of the way again and again, easily commanding where Kurt’s body was going to go. Their tango took them all around the room.

“Let go of me!” Kurt shouted. He found his face suddenly shoved up against the wall. When had they reached the back of the room? Kurt didn’t stop trying to stomp on Austin’s feet. It was the only defense he had.

“Come on, you can drop the act now. I know you aren’t a good boy.” Austin whispered into his ear. As though he thought what he was doing was attractive. “I’ve seen you around. You’re such a tease.”

“I’ll tell Tr-” Austin pushed him harder against the wall, using his whole body to pin Kurt’s legs. Kurt tensed up as he felt the man all along his back. This was not happening. He was not about to have this happen to him.

“Tattle like a girl? No one would believe you.” Kurt gritted his teeth and stopped fighting for a moment. Maybe he could come up with a plan. It wasn’t like Austin could really do anything in their current positions. He’d have to let go of Kurt’s hands at some point to use his own. Though immediately, as if to prove him wrong, he felt the man’s body begin to rub against his own.

“What is your problem!”

“I don’t have one.” Kurt lurched to the side as Austin tried to kiss his neck. “You’re just hanging around half dressed. You’re just asking for someone to show you a good time.”

“Don’t you dare.”

“Why shouldn’t I? Come on, Kurt.” The name was so gross on this man’s tongue. “You’ll love it. I’ll be a million times better than-”

“Shut up!” He wasn’t going to let him say Blaine’s name. He didn’t deserve that honor. Austin knew what he was doing. Kurt wondered if he hadn’t done this before to other men. It really wouldn’t be a surprise if he had. He felt Austin’s body shift against his back again. Suddenly, he found himself turned around. Austin was quick to make sure he couldn’t move. Two strong hands held his against the wall and the oak-like arms kept his in place. When Kurt tried to shift his hips to slide away Austin pressed one leg right between Kurt’s legs.

This time, when he shifted, a very shameful thing happened. It brought a deep redness to his cheeks and tears threatened the corners of his eyes. That wasn’t possible. He was being attacked. That shouldn’t have been possible. Biology be damned. He was terrified. Fear was the world’s greatest buzzkill. Yet just the tiniest bit of pressure and his body was betraying him.

“Told you you’d like it.” Kurt was helpless as a kiss was laid on his neck. “Just relax. You’re going to enjoy this. Come on. Its not a big deal. Guys cheat all the time. It’s what makes us men. Being with one person all the time ruins a relationship. Honest. I’ve been there. You need to spice things up or you’ll get bored of each other.”

“Clearly you don’t know what love is.”

“Sure I do.” The breathing. The kissing. Kurt could feel his skin being defiled. “Love is what you feel for that dog or cat you adopted that keeps you from taking it back when it keeps peeing on your carpet. Love is what you feel for your parents even when they don’t deserve it. Love is putting up with someone day in and day out. Love does not have to mean having sex with just one person.”

“I will not sleep with you.” Kurt looked into his own eyes in the mirror. He saw the way Austin's body curved around him, the way Austin's head moved up his neck and jaw, how small and defenseless he himself was. His eyes tilted up to the ceiling.

“Your loss.” If there had even been the smallest indication that Austin would have let it go after that, his next move almost stopped Kurt’s heart. The giant man kissed him full on his lips. His teeth began tugging on those very same lips. They were already against the wall. There was no where for Kurt to move now. He tried to turn his head so he could call for help but his aggressor used the threat of his teeth to prevent that. Austin then curved his hips against Kurt, shifting his leg slightly and causing an involuntary convulsion to run up Kurt’s spine. He let out an angry growl as the soft skin on his chest scraped against the coarse material of Austin’s shirt and the bricks that formed the wall scratched against his back. It wasn’t fair. How dare his body do this to him! His eyes clenched themselves shut tight.

There was another quick tug on his lip then Kurt could feel his mouth being violated by the lumpiest tongue on earth. He was too scared to try moving again. The leg was still firmly pressed up against his traitorous body. Sweat beaded shamefully down his forehead. When Blaine was rough it was wonderful. Blaine took care of him and respected him. No matter what they did in bed he felt equal to his fiancé. Their bodies were sacred to each other, meant just for the two of them to touch and truly understand. No one else. Certainly not Austin.

So he did the only thing he could do. He bit. He bit down hard. His teeth cut into the soft flesh of Austin’s tongue. The taste of blood filled his mouth. Who knew a tongue bite could bleed that much? He didn’t hold onto it for long. Just long enough to leave a good hole behind. The man jolted back with a snarl that sent a spray across Kurt’s face. Some of the blood spilled down Kurt’s chin. Most of it wound up accidentally swallowed. One hand dug tighter around Kurt’s wrist. The other balled up and pulled back for the punch.

Kurt clenched his eyes tight to protect them. He was already planning where to put the ‘get well’ bouquets that would be sent this time. Instead his ears were graced with the most beautiful sound the world could offer - squeaking floorboards.

Austin let go of him in an instant and spun to see what was going on. Kurt slipped away and snatched his shirt off the floor. “Who!” The attempt at shouting died as the man had to slap his hand over his mouth. Austin ran from the room. The sound of footsteps - both his and of another person - could be heard echoing down the hallway.

Kurt didn’t waste any time. He grabbed his bag and shirt and made a beeline for the nearest bathroom. Girl’s bathroom. He could tell any ladies within that he’d felt ill and dive for the first toilet he could find.

Entering the room allowed a sense of safety to pass over him. Austin wouldn’t be looking in here so long as he kept quiet. There weren’t any girls inside anyway. Kurt let his body sink to the floor so he could catch his breath and try to understand what had just happened.

What had he done to deserve that? Clearly Austin had picked him - out of everyone - to do that to. It wasn’t just a case of opportunity. Not after what had happened that morning. Kurt had always expected to be picked on for how he dressed and talked and acted, but he expected it from straight men that were scared of his open sexuality or people like Dave who weren’t able to handle their own sexualities. He expected slushies and dumpsters and fists. Sexual assault had never crossed his mind. He was a man. Men just weren’t assaulted like that outside of a prison.

The metal of Austin’s blood lingered in his mouth. He could still feel the tongue in a place where it didn’t belong. That deformed, monstrous tongue. Kurt leapt to his feet and immediately started gurgling water from the faucet. Anything to make it stop.

His phone started buzzing. A call. He glanced to the device. Blaine? He answered it. “Hey?” It was all he could do to hold his voice steady.

“Hey Kurt! We got out early. There wasn’t much to talk about today, just the basics of what to expect. Where are you at? You’re not in the studio.”

“Oh I just uhm. Needed to go get a drink. Stop by the bathroom, you know. The usual stuff. You must have just missed me. I’ll be right back.”

“Alright. See you in a minute then. Love you.”

“Love you too.” Kurt peered at his face in the mirror. There were some scratches near his eye where his face had been shoved against the wall but there were otherwise no other signs of anything. He pulled his shirt back on. This was just a bad memory. Austin wouldn’t be able to attack him in a crowded room and he’d be sure never to go anywhere in NYADA without a lockable door. He would get stronger. He would never let that happen again.

The thought of talking about what had happened to anyone - even Blaine - put more fear in his body than the attack itself. Kurt felt nauseous at the thought. Talking was out at the moment. He could deal with this until he was able to talk. Maybe he would never have to. How could he? ‘Austin forcibly kissed me and that got me up’ just wasn’t exactly something he wanted to say out loud. Let alone use the ‘S-A’ words. So long as Austin kept his distance this would go away and not be a problem anymore. Kurt suppressed all of his shame and guilt as he washed his face one more time.

Then, with one last deep breath Kurt turned and walked out of the bathroom with his head held high and his shoulders squared. “I was thinking we could stop by your favorite place for dinner,” he called when he saw Blaine’s head pop out of the studio door to search for him. “I know theory is going to be a pain so you might as well start the semester off on the best note possible, right?”

“If you’re sure you don’t want _me_ to take you to _your_ favorite place. Oh, hey, what happened here?” Blaine’s thumb darted up to run over the sores on Kurt’s cheek.

“My face made friends with the wall. It’s nothing.” As Blaine leaned over to kiss the scratches, Kurt’s hand jutted out to latch onto his fiancé’s. Everything was going to be fine. Kurt just had to keep telling himself that. He had a plan. He could do this. He was going to be fine.


	3. Honestly OK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3 - Honestly OK, by DIDO  
> Singer: Kurt  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AE1IuPpTn7w&feature=kp

Through dinner Kurt had encouraged Blaine to keep talking. To fill the air with his innocent voice - words about class, about theory and jazz, about their show with June on Thursday (why Thursday of all days?), about helping out with Artie’s film project, about maybe switching things up around the loft - nothing drastic, just change some colors for the new season. Whenever he tried to switch the conversation back to Kurt (“how was piano practice?” and “so how do you think stage fighting is going to be this term - we might have to work with other people since we have that class in the morning and I’m not sure I can handle so much of you so close to me when we can’t make an escape”) the response was short and carried with it a layer of exhaustion.

Kurt felt tapped out. He tried to keep a smile on but that was taking most of his energy reserves. His voice had returned to that soft, energy-saving voice he carried when he still had miles to go before bed. That wasn’t Blaine’s only clue though. Their trip home had been much quieter. Sweet even. Blaine had kept an arm around Kurt and he’d kept their pace slow and methodically soothing the entire trip home. His talk had turned to that of simpler things. Like how lovely the sunset had been and how one of these days he wanted to go see it from one of the bridges where they could get a good angle of the cityscape. “How romantic,” Kurt remembered saying.

Blaine really was a dream come true. It couldn’t just have been the night air or the recent events. As they’d bolted up the stairs to their loft Kurt had even felt some of his energy returning to him. It had to have been Blaine’s gentle smile. Or the deepness in those eyes that went on for miles. No sooner had they shut the loft door then Kurt had found himself wrapped up in Blaine’s arms. Right where he’d wanted to be all day.

There was a kiss applied to that weak spot where his neck and chin connected. Kurt pressed his nose against Blaine’s shoulder and took in his scent. How did this man even exist? He was a prince. Aside from one mistake it seemed as though Blaine was the kind of person who had just walked right out of a fairy tale. Perfect smooth skin, perfect dark hair (gelled or not), perfect endless eyes, perfect lush lips, perfectly loving arms and legs and hands. Kurt was biased though. Blaine would say the same thing of him if given the chance.

They didn’t even bother turning on the lights. There was a tiny bit coming in from the street below that guided them through the maze that was their living area, tips of their fingers locked together.  Blaine took the initiative as his hands guided Kurt, coaxing him to lay down. Once upon a time the layers had been difficult to get through. These days there wasn’t a challenge at all. Normally they were both quick. Today only Kurt was. Blaine was much gentler. He was taking his time to lay down soft, passionate kisses between each layer. Kurt tried to pull his own clothes off but Blaine wasn’t having that. He linked his fingers between Kurt’s and pressed their bodies together. “I have waited all day for this,” Kurt whispered.

“I know.” Kurt needed that tone. So husky, so needy. Yet deeply restrained. This was a game. Kurt didn’t need their games. He needed their sex. To remember that he could be respected. That he deserved to be respected. “Just trust me.”

“I do.” Fully. There was no doubt.

Clearly Blaine had a plan. He slowly pulled off another layer - Kurt’s shirt this time. The kisses traced all over the skin that was revealed to him. Gentle. Understanding things Kurt couldn’t articulate. Letting Kurt’s body tell him what was really needed. Blaine was always listening.

Once his shirt came off Kurt’s muscles tightened. Try as he might, he couldn’t convince his body to relax.  Blaine tried to massage out the tense knots but it wasn’t working. “Kurt…”

“I want you!” was his rushed excuse. It just bubbled out of him. He hadn’t even had time to think. The words were met with soft lips against his. Once again Kurt took in a deep breath. He just wanted Blaine to fill all of his senses.

“Ok.” Once all the clothes were out of the way, Blaine let his hands trace over Kurt’s every curve and edge. Kurt wrapped his arms around Blaine and draped his hands over Blaine’s shoulder blades. Then he pulled. He wanted to feel Blaine’s body against his. Blaine easily adjusted for Kurt’s desires. He focused on the neck and chin and ears and lips with his mouth and let his hands caress everything they could reach. Kurt tried to reciprocate but all he wanted to do was hold on. To believe in this moment. To forget the rest of the universe. For this to be the only real thing in his life. Just for tonight.

Blaine had a lot of pent up energy. Somehow having two physical classes in one day hadn’t spent it. Kurt offered his entire body to Blaine - but his reactions weren’t normal. Even as Blaine’s hands dipped down low and caressed while their lips were locked in lustful passion, Kurt’s hands stayed locked on those shoulder blades. Slowly Blaine calmed himself. His hands ran lightly up Kurt’s body, his kisses became lighter. As soon as he could he snuggled their bodies together and traced his fingers in circular patterns along Kurt’s collarbone. “Blaine,” Kurt whispered. The name was returned with a kiss.

“Are you ok?” There were the words. The three words Kurt hadn’t wanted to hear. Every inch of his body was pressed up against Blaine’s. Right where he wanted to be. He could taste Blaine in his mouth and the only scent filling his nose was Blaine, Blaine, Blaine. This was what he wanted. Why did they have to talk? The words destroyed his energy. A new wave of exhaustion washed over him.

Kurt pressed his hands deeper on Blaine’s back just in case their bodies could get still closer together. He felt completely disgusting and undeserving and all he wanted was for Blaine to misinterpret the signs and continue on like nothing was wrong. That would never happen.

“Kurt,” Blaine whispered. “Talk to me.” Kurt tried to kiss him, as they couldn’t talk if they were kissing, to make the words stop but Blaine rested a hand on his cheek and carefully pushed his face away. The kisses stopped. “Spaghetti?” he whispered. It was only half a joke. Blaine couldn’t make love to someone who was hurting.

“I’m fine.” He nuzzled his nose against Blaine’s cheek and looked deep into the man’s eyes.

“You don’t seem fine.” Kurt’s hands pressed even more against Blaine. Their skin was liable to become one if he tried any harder to push their chests together.

“I’m just. Well, I’m a bit tired. I worked really hard tonight to get all those moves for stage fighting. I guess it took more out of me than I realized.” He hated lying. Their relationship was built on truth and here he was breaking that. But he just couldn’t talk about it right now.

“You do look exhausted,” Blaine agreed. His fingers stroked the lines on Kurt’s face. There was an extremely faint line on his upper lip where it had been split open last year. That scar Kurt had wanted. It looked almost like a beauty mark. Blaine sort of enjoyed tracing it. He couldn’t help himself. It pointed right to Kurt’s mouth. Like his face was just begging for Blaine to kiss him. He left a kiss on it. “You should get some rest.”

“I know.” They lost themselves in each others eyes in that moment. “I really want you.”

“I want you too. All of you. If that means waiting a few more hours so we both have enough energy then I’m ok with that.” He was right. Kurt had been very clear before they’d ever even started having sex that he wanted it to mean something. For them both to be there mentally. That hadn’t just been for their first time either. Sex was always better when they were both there for it. It wasn’t fair to Blaine to go against that agreement. Kurt was already lying. He didn’t need to make it worse.

“I love you so much.” They snuggled their bodies together. Kurt didn’t even want to get up to moisturize his face. Blaine didn’t want to wash the gel from his hair. They just wanted to be entwined with each other.

Through the night, though, Kurt’s body revolted. Once he’d started to put the accusatory voices out of his mind and drift away to sleep he had lost his senses. First he rolled away from Blaine, then back to him. Constantly tossing, turning, fidgeting. Never asleep but never awake. Blaine was more aware of what was happening and did his best to accommodate his partner’s needs. Neither of them were typically active in their sleep on a normal night. Often they could just snuggle up and, if the temperature was satisfactory, they would stay that way until they woke.

Even with the lack of fitful and lasting sleep Blaine pulled himself from the covers in the morning and set about making breakfast as usual. He cooked quickly so he could get back to watching over his fiancé. Something was wrong. If Kurt was really as exhausted as he said and as he looked then logically he wouldn’t have moved at all through the entire night. Movements like that only happened when there was something on his mind. Worry was the usual cause.

As Blaine settled down on the edge of the bed Kurt sat up and draped himself over Blaine’s shoulders, planting a warm kiss at the nape of Blaine’s neck as though the night before had never happened at all. “Feeling better then?” he asked. His only response was a series of kisses around his neck, across his chin line, then straight to his lips. “That’s a yes?”

“Mmm.” Kurt was even more tired than before. With that exhaustion came a renewed desire to get Blaine to believe he was fine. Kurt knew he’d likely have to talk about it but just thinking about telling Blaine picked his heart rate up. He couldn’t form the words. He didn’t even want to believe it was real. He needed it to not be real. So he carefully moved the breakfast tray to the floor and pulled his fiancé back into bed. “Sorry if I kept you up all night.”

“I slept enough.” Blaine traced his fingers along Kurt’s arms as he kept a careful eye on every reaction. Kurt took a deep breath before leaning in for another taste of Blaine’s skin. What he needed most was for Blaine to give him love as normal so that he could believe there was still such a thing. His hands tried to plant themselves on Blaine’s back as they had the night before. “Kurt…”

“Yeah?” He pulled one hand around to touch on all of Blaine’s weakest spots.

“Ah! Eh, nev...nevermind.” Kurt was able to pour himself into their love. He made himself focus. All other thoughts left him this time. He used his hands and his mouth to assure Blaine of his statement. That he was fine. Their bodies melted into each other in much the same way they always did. It wasn’t the same though. As Kurt’s hands sought out Blaine’s most vulnerable spots and send his love straight to the moon, he was hurting them both, pretending that he wasn’t hurting. He couldn’t acknowledge the pain anymore than he could talk about it.

Blaine delivered everything he’d promised the night before. His hands were so soft and tender. Every motion reminded Kurt who he was. His body dissolved into waves of pure hot joy. When it was over, Kurt brushed his fingers through Blaine’s hair while Blaine rested his cheek against Kurt’s smooth stomach. “I don’t want to go out today,” he mumbled. The words vibrated up through Kurt’s torso.

“We have to though.”

“Do you work the weekend?”

“Just Saturday.”

“Let’s stay in Sunday. I’ll do our grocery shopping while you’re at work.”

“Ok.” Kurt was going to need Sunday to recharge. A whole day of just the two of them sounded like the exact right kind of medicine. He stroked Blaine’s hair for a few minutes. “We need to get ready for class.” He didn’t want to go to class. He wanted to stay here. With Blaine. In their bed, in their loft. Where things made sense. Far away from NYADA and teacher’s assistants who...well.

Kurt pushed himself up and pulled their breakfast back onto the bed. The morning routine continued as usual and they made it to NYADA as though the world were no different this morning than it had been yesterday. To Blaine this wasn’t a feat. This was every day for the rest of their semester. Kurt, on the other hand, felt great pride in his accomplishment.

Felicia had been hanging around but this time they didn’t try to talk to her. She knew how to get to her dance class. “Blaine!” she called.

“Felicia! We really need to get to our class, I’m sorry.”

“I just want a picture.” The girl held up an expensive looking camera, already leaning towards Blaine.

“Is that for that new photography class they’re hosting this term?” Kurt asked her.

“Yup. My professor told us that our first assignment was to take a picture of someone who inspired us. Sort of like a muse.” Frankly Kurt didn’t care about this anymore. If she became a real problem they could deal with her then. Most likely her crush would fizzle out. Blaine wasn’t even remotely in her dating pool. In a school with this many great looking men a pretty girl like her would find someone to take her interest in the coming months. So when Blaine looked to him to see what course of action he prefered Kurt just shrugged his shoulder.

“I suppose,” Blaine said very slowly. “Just make it quick alright?” While Kurt was preoccupied with bigger problems he didn’t know about, Blaine was quickly becoming creeped out by his little admirer. He took Kurt’s hand in his and pulled his fiancé to his side. Felicia, who had been leaning in again (it looked to Kurt as though she was trying to show Blaine something rather than take his picture, but he could have completely misinterpreted things in his exhaustion), jolted back and fought off a look of disgust.

“Just one person.” Now that seemed very contrived. Blaine was quite sure what she really wanted the picture for. He glanced to Kurt once again. Kurt saw the desperation in his look.

“We’re basically one person,” Kurt told her. “A team. Nothing splits us up.” Felicia rolled her eyes and then sent Kurt a dagger filled glare. He knew he was her most hated person in the universe right now. He didn’t care.

“My teacher won’t care about that.”

“Mr. Iota helped out with one of my classes last spring,” Blaine said. “He knows Kurt and I are a package deal. Come on Felicia, you have to admit we’re better together.” Kill them with kindness.

“Just nevermind. I’ll get my dance teacher. You know, you said she was scary but really there wasn’t anything scary about her. I think she was well within her rights. I mean, that’s what teachers are there for. To make you better. A lot of these kids come in cocky thinking they’re the best because where they’re from they are but here they’re just like everybody else.”

“Sounds like you learned her lesson already. We really have to go now. Have a good day!”

“Thanks! You too.” Blaine made a beeline up the hallway. Kurt kept right at his side.

“She could be a good friend once she figures out how incompatible you two are,” Kurt offered.

“Probably,” Blaine responded. “But right now she is the creepiest person I’ve ever met. I’m kind of worried she might start stalking me. Is that weird?”

“If she wasn’t still watching us I’d say yes but since she is…”

“Is she really?!” Kurt peeked over their shoulders. He had just guessed. But he was right.

“Yeah. If she starts getting worse we’ll report her ok?”

“You think we should go to that kind of extreme?”

“Well, not really, its not like she could really do much damage.” Felicia was smaller than Blaine. The odds of her being able to pin him to a wall were very, very slim. Kurt glanced to the ground. “But if she starts stalking you that’d be really inappropriate. She needs to know that that isn’t ok.” Kurt didn’t feel like he was being hypocritical saying those things.

“So now we’re playing parents?”

“More like fairy god brothers. Or something like that.” The conversation had to end there. They had arrived at their classroom.

He held his breath as they crossed into the studio. It was all he could do to keep his feet moving. They were almost late this time. As soon as they arrived clas began. “Alright! Line up for warm ups!” Kurt stayed much closer to Blaine. He didn’t look at Austin.

As the boys leaned into their stretches there was talk about a Welcome Back Party that weekend. Kurt and Blaine both shrugged it off. Between classes and June and the diner there wasn’t time for that right now. It was easy to act normal. Even with Austin walking the lines. Kurt tried not to tense up as he passed by. He was fine. Everything was fine. Everything got better as Austin walked away without turning towards him.

“Ok guys, for the next few weeks Austin isn’t going to be talking a whole lot. Some of you have already noticed I’m sure. There was an accident last night and he has been injured. He had to have some stitches and he’s going to need to take it easy for a little while.” Kurt raised his eyes. Austin’s face did look puffier.

“Are you ok?” Blaine called out. Austin glanced over their way. For a moment Kurt caught his eyes. Then he shrugged and turned away. Kurt felt a smug smile threaten to stretch across his face. He’d bitten down hard enough to really do some damage. No wonder there had been so much blood. Hopefully now he’d really think twice before attacking someone like that.


	4. When September Ends

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 4: Wake Me Up When September Ends, by Green Day  
> Singer: Kurt  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jVO8sUrs-Pw  
> Side Note: For some reason I've been having a great deal of formatting issues with this chapter. Please bear with me and let me know if anything is clearly messed up.

_September 2nd_

Austin kept his distance in the two weeks that followed the incident. He didn’t talk much in class either, though after the swelling went down he easily could have. Instead he stayed to the outer walls. Every now and then Kurt would glimpse into the mirror and lock eyes with the man. He was being watched.

The thoughts echoed in his mind constantly. _What did I do._

Through those two weeks he had passionately thrown himself at Blaine. Desperately, almost. Kurt just wanted everything to be the way it was before. He’d picked up a wedding magazine he’d spied with an entire issue dedicated to gay weddings. Just thinking about his engagement helped. He’d started a habit of spinning his ring twice clockwise and six times counter clockwise whenever he started to get nervous. It calmed him down just enough to continue on. At least for a few minutes. Then he’d have to do it again.

Today he found himself unable to stop. Austin had come in with his fists in the air and a smile on his face. That was terrifying. Everyone celebrated with him though. His stitches were out. He was already back to interacting with everyone. He even stopped to laugh with Blaine. Some joke about Star Wars. Kurt kept a forced smile on his face as his ring went round and round again and again.

“Hey, you alright?” Blaine asked as they were sent to do their warm ups. “You look kind of pale.”

“I’m fine. Someone kept us up late last night though. Maybe I’m just a bit tired.”

“Hey, hey, you started it.”

“And I’ll start it again tonight too.”

“I can’t wait.”

The teacher stopped right beside them. It was clear that they were a regular annoyance to him, though they didn’t outright try to disrupt class. Flirting was just bound to happen when very much in love couples were in a class where people were supposed to get in close proximity with each other. However Kurt and Blaine had agreed it was best they didn’t work together purely because of that close proximity deal. It would be far too embarrassing for the two of them if they got turned on in front of the entire class. So they worked with other people and tried not to stare at each other too much.

Austin picked Kurt to be his demonstration partner for the day. The man wanted to decline. He wanted to walk out. Maybe go lose his breakfast in the girls’ bathroom. He knew he could get away with it. The bathroom thing. Not the walking out thing. Everyone would be watching him and Blaine would worry, maybe follow him, and Austin would win.

That was the worst part. Austin would win.

“Its a bit warm in here, don’t you think?” Austin said to the class. So casually. They shrugged. Some chuckled and agreed. Kurt took a deep breath. He couldn’t loosen himself up though. Especially when Austin put his hands on him. “Just like this.” He was demonstrating a stance. “Come on Kurt, try to punch me.” Kurt glanced him over. “Don’t worry, you can’t hurt me.” He knew what he was doing. What he was saying. He had to know.

Kurt gave his best right hook, aiming right for the face. Austin grabbed his arm. “In a real fight you won’t usually be able to grab them by their arm like this.” He was just rubbing it in how weak Kurt still was. “But you’ll see this a lot on film and stage.” The professor was keeping an eye on them. The whole class was watching. Kurt tried to free his arm. “Hold on a second. At this point, the person who caught the arm is usually the person who has the advantage. This move tends to end in a headlock or a throw of some kind.” Kurt glanced over to Blaine. His love was oblivious. “We’re going to be practicing the throws part of that. Both the throwing and the being thrown parts. Kurt, relax, just let me guide you.”

One hand landed on his shoulder. Austin walked him through the legwork, and before he knew it he was on his back with a towering monster smiling down at him. Acting like he had never done anything wrong at all.

The teacher started pairing everyone off. With an odd number of students Kurt found himself paired with Austin. It was his own fault. He had just stood there with his thumbs in his pockets, not saying a word. Austin didn’t take his silence as a protest. He sent Kurt a grin and leaned in. “Want more huh?”

“Don’t talk to me.”

He couldn’t comprehend why it was so easy to just let himself be pulled around or why he couldn't find it within himself to fight.

That night was the first night he wasn’t able to have sex with Blaine. His skin had felt as though it were crawling. The excuse of exhaustion was still working well for him though.

 

_September 5th_

“What did Felicia want this time?” Kurt sighed.

“She wanted to get coffee. She probably saw us at the Firefly a couple days ago. She was talking about it being this ‘cute place she’d found.’”

“Do you want to report her?”

“Nah. I told her no. She’ll learn. I’m sure of it.” Kurt wanted to worry. He just didn’t have the energy for it. Besides, Blaine had things under control. “See you after class?”

“You bet.” Kurt placed a kiss on Blaine’s cheek before settling down. His afternoon class was cancelled. Of course he’d chosen a very busy and very public hallway to wait in. As soon as Blaine disappeared he pulled out another wedding magazine he’d purchased. He just couldn’t help himself. The ideas in the first one had spurred his imagination. There was a trend taking off of weddings without aisles, where the chairs were in a circle around the alter. And that was just the beginning. He wasn’t feeling ready to tie the knot yet but that didn’t mean he couldn’t get acquainted with the industry. That way they wouldn’t be two fools navigating through a mess of ‘buy this’ ‘you must have that’ ‘here’s a giant price tag but it’s necessary.’ He wanted to be prepared.

A man walked by. Kurt absentmindedly reached for his ring. Two clockwise, six counter. Austin was an unpredictable person. Sometimes close, sometimes far. Always watching. This man wasn’t Austin though. Kurt turned his ring again.

That night Kurt made sure his night with Blaine was the most passionate one they’d had yet.

 

_September 18th_

Blaine and Austin were swapping theories about the Star Wars extended universe before class. So, naturally, Kurt had put himself right between them once class had begun. He was watching Austin, all the time, waiting for the man’s next move. Blaine was _not_ going to be his next victim. There was no way Kurt would ever let the man he loved the most in the world go through something this painful. He'd been through enough already. Kurt knew all about Sadie Hawkins now. How long it had taken Blaine to heal. From Kurt's own experiences he was sure that this was far, far worse than gay bashing. At least then Blaine knew it was completely the fault of the attackers. Kurt could already hear the excuses. The Star Wars jokes were Blaine's way of leading Austin on even though that definitely wasn't the case. That was what people would say. So Kurt watched Austin.

Austin was watching him too.

“Ok, so we’re down to a permanent odd number,” the professor said apologetically. “Seems Gavin’s family emergency is serious and he won’t be back for the rest of the term. I’m sure we all wish him the best, of course, but we need to move on. Kurt, since he was your partner for midterms you’re going to have to work with Austin now.” The young man tried not to look as ill as he felt. Especially as people whispered ‘he’s so lucky’ all around the classroom.

After class he heard something else though. Quiet repetitions of ‘bet he picked Gavin on purpose, we knew Gavin might leave.’ They hadn’t known. Gavin had expected to be here the whole term. His dad hadn’t been this sick two weeks ago when they’d picked partners. They had to pick early so they had time to get to know each other and make a plan. Kurt had liked Gavin’s style and since he and Blaine were trying not to make the entire class and themselves uncomfortable Kurt had settled for him.

“Have you seen how they look at each other?”

“I can’t believe Blaine hasn’t noticed.”

“Maybe that’s why he’s doing it. You know how much they love attention.”

“Wonder how long he’s been at it!”

“At least since the first day. You saw how he acted.”

“With Austin?”

“Who’s to say.”

“Poor Blaine.”

All whispers. No one said it to his face. Or Blaine’s. Kurt knew what they were thinking. He pretended he didn’t notice. They didn’t know what they were talking about.

That night Kurt barely even spoke to Blaine when he went to bed. He stayed on the far edge, drowning in his own shame and guilt.

 

_October 9th_

“Finally alone together, huh?” Only one pair was allowed to perform at once. They were first. Their professor had forgotten his evaluation sheets and went to grab them from his office.

“Blaine’s just outside this door.”

“Oh so now he’s important?”

“He’s always important.” Kurt took a step towards the door. They were supposed to be practicing. Getting ready. Kurt was not going to let him near.

“I’m supposed to assume that all those times you were looking at me, you were thinking of him?”

“Stop talking in questions.” That was all he ever did. It was grating.

“But I have so many. Like why haven’t you told Blaine?” Kurt’s breath stopped. “You’re such a tease. You’re just begging for someone to dominate you. The way you look at me, when you stretch, when you’re going through the moves. You haven’t told Blaine, I know you haven’t. No one hears the love of his life has been making out with someone else and just shrugs it off. Unless he really doesn’t care.”

“Shut up!”

“Then you act like this. ‘No, go away, shut up, leave me alone.’ A god-damned tease. You’re asking for it Kurt Hummel. You want more. Just admit it.”

“I want you to leave and never come back.”

“That’s not what your body said. Just admit it Kurt. And even though you say you want me to go away, you’ve been lying to Blaine. And keeping secrets. And you said you don’t keep secrets. Why would you do that if you didn’t want me?”

“It has nothing to do with you!” Austin moved towards him.

“You’re a coward.”

“Me? I’m the coward?”

“Why don’t you hit on me when the class is paying attention? Tell them all what you did? You know what they’d do, you know what they’d see. A monster who needs to attack people to feel good about himself. Nothing more.”

“Oh a monster huh? You know you liked it.” Austin leaned in. “I bet you’ve never been that hard before. I could feel it. I know you wanted more. You wanted me. Not Blaine. You can tell yourself you hated it all you want but we both know the truth. You’re the coward here, Kurt.”

“I’m not a coward.” Another step towards the door.

“Yes you are. Just admit it. You want more.” Another. “You can’t handle yourself so you’re running away. Go on then. Run to Blaine. I’m sure he’d love to kick my ass for you. Since fragile little Kurt can’t take care of himself.”

Austin was right. He wanted Blaine to come save him. He needed help. But he was too ashamed. He hadn’t enjoyed what had happened but that didn’t change what his body had done. He’d done more than just get hard. He’d shivered. Or bucked. Or whatever anyone wanted to call it. His muscles had contracted against Austin’s movements. Kurt couldn’t explain that to Blaine.

“I’m not afraid of you.” Kurt changed his stance. He squared his shoulders.

“Good. You shouldn’t be. Yourself, that’s a different story. Man, you’re hot. Have you seen yourself in the mirror? When you stretch. You’re like walking porn. I know you have to feel it too. Every time we work together. That’s just a taste. Just give me one night. My place. Blaine has class anyway. You’ll never regret it. You might never go back to Blaine, but you won’t regret it.”

For the first time, Kurt wanted to hurt someone. He wanted to punch Austin’s face and leave him broken on the floor. It was a very primal feeling. He was lucky their professor returned. He didn’t stand a chance against Austin.

“Alright, sorry about that. You can begin whenever.”

Begin they did. Kurt focused on his anger. He used it in his every move to try everything at his disposal against Austin. Even if they had a planned routine he wanted to catch the man off guard. He didn’t care if it would hurt his grade. Was this blind rage?

Kurt stopped at that thought. He spun away and looked at himself in the mirror. Disheveled, eyes red with anger. He would not let himself become that. He was better than that. Now was the time to end this.

Kurt resolved to withdraw from the class. He’d tell Blaine his grade was too low.

Austin wasn’t done with this. Before Kurt knew what was coming the man was on his back again. This time he reacted instantly. His hands grabbed the top arm, his legs braced themselves, and his back curled over. Austin’s inertia worked against him. The giant rolled completely over Kurt’s back. Before either of them knew what had happened Austin was on the floor. Kurt’s knees nearly buckled under the surprise weight but he managed to stay on his feet. Then he backed away. He went to stand by the professor.

“That’s it,” he announced. “That’s all of it.” The professor frowned. They were supposed to act all the way through. Not just say ‘the end.’ Kurt knew that. He wasn’t a fool.

“Alright then, you’re dismissed. Send the next pair in.” Kurt hurried out and motioned for Blaine to head in. Which he and his partner did before Austin even exited the room. Kurt was about to duck into the girl’s bathroom - his safe haven - when his phone buzzed. Austin’s that is. He glanced at it and suddenly his face turned to panic. Then he was gone.

Kurt let himself collapse against the wall. He was exhausted.

 

_October 13_

He had the drop slip tucked into his bag. All he had to do was get his midterm results back. It was going to be bad and he was going to drop the class and never have to deal with Austin again. He should have done this months ago.

“Class, I’m sorry to say that Austin won’t be finishing out his work this term.”

“What?” Kurt hissed before he could stop himself.

“The Pirates lead broke his hip, he won’t be able to perform for opening night. They have focus on getting his understudy ready to be the permanent lead so he won’t have time to be helping me out here. If you feel jipped, he should be back next term so you’re more than welcome to take the class again then.” There was a wave of chuckles. As fun as the class was, no one wanted to take it twice. They had other things to do. “Alright! With that settled, I have your midterms. In order you performed - Kurt Hummel.”

He was almost too shaken to move. Blaine gave him a nudge. The good news just got better from there.

“93.”

“Nice,” Blaine whispered. He had to go grab his next, but they were immediately swapping notes. Kurt, as expected, lost most of his points because of the very ending. However, there in bright blue ink, were beautiful marks on believability and the surprise flip at the end. Along with other   
high praise.

The teacher didn’t know it was real.

 _Blaine_ didn’t know it was real. He still didn’t know anything. If he was hearing these rumors he wasn’t giving them any mind. For the first time since August Kurt felt peace. Those rumors would abate someday. He’d still have Blaine. No one ever had to find out about Austin.


	5. Sins Not Tragedies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 5: I Write Sins not Tragedies, by Panic! at the Disco  
> Singers: The boys of Stage Fighting II, excluding Kurt  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vc6vs-l5dkc

As the last leaves hung on in the dying days of October, the shops were already changing out their displays for winter. Which Kurt actually found a bit inspiring. As sad as it was to say, he had actually begun scoping out floral arrangements. In his defense it was partly the fault of the flower shop he got Blaine’s bouquets from. They were having a grand Winter Wedding theme. Kurt had to give them credit - the arrangements were gorgeous. It was also partly the fault of the wedding magazines he kept seeing.

His relationship with Blaine felt more powerful every day. It wasn’t just because he was staying closer to his fiancé either. Constant closeness had nearly been their undoing before. Everything was handled much better now. Yes they’d had a few little fights and Kurt was fighting with some serious mood swings between all of the work he was doing and some nights he just couldn’t stand the thought of being touched. That was all a normal, healthy part of being human. They couldn’t be perfect all the time. Despite this, every day Kurt felt more ready to just pull Blaine close and ask him to name the day. Their wedding day. He found himself dreaming of it more and more all the time. He suspected that spring would be their season. A lot of things had happened for them in the spring. Their engagement, the first time they said ‘I love you,’ and the time they moved in together and were actually ready for it, just to name a few. He wouldn’t mind winter though. They could make it an anniversary tradition to go skating or something.

Kurt had decided he still needed to do something absolutely wonderful for Blaine. While they both knew he was the more hopelessly romantic one he knew Blaine liked receiving romantic gestures too. That bright smile on the man’s face on his birthday had said it all.

So that was what was on Kurt’s mind as he stretched out his legs for another day of Stage Fighting 2.0 (since he most definitely wasn’t going to quit something he was good at and safe doing). He glanced over to his left and spied Blaine stealing glances back at him. Blaine purposely lost his pose so he could lean over. Everyone was chatting anyway. Warm ups were perfectly routine at this point. “You look hot. Have I told you that recently?”

“Every day for the last month,” Kurt replied. “Thank you.” He moved one of his hands so he wouldn’t completely lose his stretch and leaned over to lay a kiss on Blaine’s cheek.

“Kurt, Blaine, don’t make me separate you!” The teacher had spied them. Blaine caught the faintest hint of red on Kurt’s cheeks but that could easily have been from the stretching. He was determined to get his fiancé to blush again, like he did the first time he saw Blaine without a shirt. Or the first time they’d accidentally taken their kisses too far and had gotten excited. There was something so adorable about Kurt when he was blushing. The two of them were too grown up now though. Purposeful coyness was the best they’d manage, likely as not.

Kurt stood up and stretched his arms out. Blaine had taken notice of the growing strength in his lover’s body. He had stepped up himself and they had been pushing each other since last spring, of course. However he didn’t notice the changes in himself near so much as he saw them in Kurt. He wasn’t the type to admit it (and he would be bashful if anyone ever guessed) but he appreciated the moments when Kurt acted dominantly. So long as it wasn’t constant dominance of course. They weren’t a ‘traditional’ pairing of total dominance and submission. Both men were quite versatile. With their own moments of strength and weakness. Blaine just knew it tended to be more obvious with him because he had always been more outwardly strong. Plus he did think of himself as Kurt’s protector. No matter how strong Kurt got he couldn’t ever forget the circumstances they’d met under. To be fair Kurt was also his defender. They were compliments to each other.

“Alright everyone, we’re going to group up. Three groups of six. Well, one’ll have seven.” Kurt sent Blaine a smile as his fiancé was claimed fairly quickly. Kurt edged himself over to a couple of guys who were hanging out. With a shrug they decided he was joining. “You’re going to be making a believable brawl. The story is up to you, don’t tell us. You’re going to perform this for the class and see if we can figure out what you’re doing. This may or may not be part of your final, I haven’t decided.”

“I don’t suppose five against one is very believable,” one of the boys laughed.

“Can we please not do that?” Kurt asked. “Bad memories. I’d like to avoid that if I can.”

“What about musketeers style?”

“Three on three!” someone cheered.

“That might be a little too neat for our professor up there,” Kurt interrupted again. “We should make a bit of a challenge. That’ll score us extra points.”

“Ok, fine, what do you think we should do?”

“Two against four?”

“Actually,” the first guy interrupted. “I like that. Tag team, outnumbered. Back to back, having to fight for their lives.” He pushed the two smallest guys in the group - which was Kurt and someone else - back to back. “Looking very disadvantaged. They fight. One steps away for some reason.” He motioned to Kurt and Kurt decided to play along. “And when he does!” The man walked around and wrapped an arm around Kurt’s neck. Which earned him an immediate retaliation. Kurt’s fist flew up to clock him while his elbow started to spin into his side. “Woah! Chill out Hummel!” He was lucky Kurt’s reaction was fists. Those did less damage in his case.

“Huh? Oh, sorry, instinct.”

“You’re going to have to nix that instinct for our act,” the guy grumbled as he rubbed his nose. “You’ve got quite a punch.” Kurt straightened his shoulders and lifted his head a little taller. At least he had that going for him.

“Thanks. You ok?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Someone else should be the one who gets attacked from behind.”

“But you’re the one who’s good at those moves.” Kurt felt his eyes rolling all on their own. He loved Blaine, truly, but right now he wasn’t so in love with his fiancé’s need to talk about all the little ways he was amazing. Which was a weird feeling to have. He knew Blaine had no way of knowing of course. It was just one of those little annoyances because of current situations.

“Are all gay guys so dramatic?” someone teased. Kurt started to place a hand on his hip before he realized that would only make it worse. They didn’t mean any harm. This time he knew they didn’t.

“Sometimes,” he replied, trying to stay lighthearted. “But so are straight guys.” The boys all shrugged.

“C’mon Kurt, I need to get a good grade on this. You’re really good at all the defense stuff.” That was the other small guy in the group. Kurt let out a deep breath. There was a reason for that. His eyes trailed over to Blaine. Clearly he was going to be a fighter in their group. Even though he was shorter than Kurt. And kind of smaller. It was just the air he gave off. Masculinity. Primal power. Without his bow-tie Blaine really could pass. That afforded him a lot of luxuries. Though, Kurt supposed, it did attract unwanted flirtations from some ladies.

Blaine caught his eye and waved. Kurt pushed a smile onto his face for the man. It was amazing how Blaine could go from fierce to puppy in under two seconds. “Ok, I’ll try. But we need a backup plan too.”

Breathing became his primary focus. If he just breathed through everything he could be fine. Every time they broke to discuss something his ring was turning. Two and six, two and six, two and six. It kept him sane. A sudden presence at his side caused him to jump. Blaine took his hand and gave the ring a kiss. Kurt glanced around. The two groups had temporarily merged to swap ideas. “You’re tense,” Blaine whispered.

“Just a little,” he confessed. “It’s not a big deal. Just all this-”

“Stress and pressure, I know. We’ll have to do something tonight to help you relax. Maybe we can go hunt that sunset over the skyline.”

“You’d have to skip class for that. It gets dark before you get out.”

“I could do that for you.” Kurt gave him a little shove.

“So your group has the biggest gossips in the class.” A change of subject to something trivial usually helped things. “What were they talking about today?”

“More HIV and STD rumors. Mostly HIV.” There had been a lot of those going around lately. Ever since Riley had been confirmed everyone who ever slept with her or even kissed her had been in a panic. Naturally every time someone was spotted at a clinic, hospital, or even just with a bruise on their arm that indicated blood had been drawn recently a rumor started that they had it.

“There’s more?” Kurt offered back, shaking his head. “I’m starting to think everyone just wants to assume everyone else has it just for the thrill of being scared. Which isn’t really a bad thing I guess. Maybe they’ll think twice about those party hook ups. Then we won’t have to hear all the ‘I have no idea who I slept with last weekend’ stories anymore. Or at least maybe they’ll actually start using protection!”

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s just, it’s a bit scary. I know the medicine’s better now than ever before but accidents happen.” Blaine and Kurt locked eyes. Kurt hadn’t known that Blaine was scared. Granted Blaine didn’t show it very well and it clearly wasn’t a massive deal since they were quite safe with each other. But he had a point. Kurt could hear the worry weighing down his voice. “People get hurt and blood gets everywhere. It just reminds me how we still have to be careful no matter what, you know?”

“True. So what’s the rumor?”

“That Austin has it, and he quit his TA job so he wouldn’t have to see the ex that gave it to him. That has to be the most farfetched rumor I’ve heard here yet. Well, I guess that one about Madison hosting HIV orgies was really weird but can we even count that? It was supposed to be absurd.” Blaine conveyed the news with complete nonchalance, completely missing how the color drained out of his fiancé’s face. If he could have, Kurt would have let his legs give out. He steeled himself. Now wasn’t the time to panic. It was just a rumor. Rumors were very often false. But sometimes they were true. Which meant Kurt had to track down someone who would know for sure.

“Who’s his ex?”

“I don’t know. Ask Carl. He’s the one who told me.” Kurt didn’t hesitate to latch onto their classmate. Blaine felt his eyebrows raise. There was an urgency in Kurt’s movements. Even though Kurt was always more interested in the NYADA than Blaine was this seemed a bit extreme. “What’s going on?” he pressed when Kurt passed by him again.

“Oh, I just, I thought it might be someone from another class of mine. He’s a nice guy. If its true maybe we could offer him support, help him get to the clinics or whatever. I don’t know. Just help him somehow.”

“Ah.” Blaine had no reason not to trust those words. Though that didn’t put his worries completely at ease. Kurt was still on edge so he, of course, was going to continue to be uncomfortable with the situation.

“If it’s ok I want to go try to find them after class and talk to them. Uhm, it’d probably be better if I go alone since it’s so personal?”

“Yeah, sure. No problem. Keep me updated?”

“Of course.”

“Alright! Shoo!” one of Blaine’s groupmates said as he motioned Kurt and his group away. It seemed they’d figured out what they needed to without the help the lovebirds. “We’ve got a brawl to put together.” Kurt locked eyes with Blaine as he edged away. He offered a tight smile.

HIV. The ‘gay disease.’ Even with the modern knowledge that anyone could get it from any sexual interaction (and needle sharing) it still carried a stigma over gay men everywhere. The most memorable thing about RENT for most people was the flamboyant drag queen Angel and how he stayed happy despite being on the disease's death row. Well, he had full blown AIDS but HIV, as far as Kurt understood, always became AIDS eventually. It was probably shameful how little McKinley had taught their students about HIV. Ohio law required teaching about STDs but McKinley had focused on the ‘incurable and fatal’ aspect more than anything else. Any talk about treatment was heavily laden with statements like “the body can build resistance to the drugs.” Which meant that Kurt was, as his school had been, entirely fixated on the ‘fatal’ part of it.

If Austin had it before the assault then when his blood got into Kurt’s body he could have contracted it which meant he could have given it to Blaine without realizing it. That was the worst part. That not only was he going to die but that he might have killed Blaine too. His eyes trailed over to his love. The man was entirely oblivious. He often was. It was like he couldn’t translate his understanding of Kurt’s body to understanding the rest of the world. Maybe it was for the best he stay oblivious, just for a little while, until Kurt was sure. There was no need to worry him. The last thing Kurt wanted to do was strip that smile off of his face. Especially when they were so close to that reunion of theirs. Blaine was ecstatic and Kurt simply could not needlessly take that away from him.

Especially before he checked with Thomas Smith. That was who Carl had said the ex was. The one who had given HIV to Austin. Maybe. Kurt remembered him, thankfully, but not from class. He’d been another student granted the opportunity to do his winter showcase later than the others for some reason or another. They’d performed on the same evening. Thomas had left everyone crying while Kurt had left everyone feeling very much alive. An uncomfortable juxtaposition to say the least but it had made for a very memorable night. And it had allowed Kurt to recognize Thomas whenever he saw him around school. It probably helped that they had very similar fashion styles and Kurt had unabashedly gotten a few ideas from seeing him around.

“Earth to Kurt!” one of his groupmates called in his ear, causing him to jolt. “Welcome back space cadet. Planning to go on another trip anytime soon?”

“What?”

“You were completely spaced out,” another one clarified. “What gives?”

“Nothing.” The guys glanced him over without believing but Kurt waved them off. “I’ve been working a lot lately, I’m just tired.” The same old excuse. But it always worked so well. “Lets get practicing hm?”

When they were released Blaine told Kurt he was going to go talk sports with some of the guys at the sports bar up the street. That way if Kurt’s ‘classmate’ were around he could be sure the guy wouldn’t assume Blaine being nearby meant Blaine was going to come over.

Blaine leaned in for a kiss before heading out but Kurt dodged his lips and gave him an embrace instead. It was strange. An almost high school reaction. They had been kissing goodbye with much more regularity since living in New York. Not that the hug wasn’t full of the usual compassion. It was just very strange. “I might go home early today,” Kurt punctuated the oddity with more oddities. “I’ll text you if I do ok? I just need to focus on my piano work and you know how all the pianos in this school tend to be taken from dawn til dusk unless you have certain important visitors that can clear the room.”

“Right, of course.”

“I’ll make dinner for us.”

“Yeah.” Blaine paused and shifted his weight. His hands rested softly on Kurt’s waist. His eyes were deep with concern. “Are you ok Kurt?” No matter how many times Kurt said it was nothing more than stress and exhaustion Blaine would keep checking in. He was terrified for his love’s health.

“Yeah, fine, why?” He didn’t want to be evasive but he really didn’t want to talk about this right now.

“You just haven’t been yourself lately. Most of this semester really. You’ve been really hot and cold. And I don’t just mean in bed.” Kurt tried not to cringe. Some days he couldn’t stand the thought of Blaine touching his body - for all sorts of reasons. Because he was dirty, because he was angry, because he was remembering and he didn’t want to associate Blaine with those memories. Other days he couldn’t bring himself to feel worthy of touching Blaine’s.

“I know, I’m sorry.” He rested his hands high on Blaine’s shoulders and allowed his thumbs to massage Blaine’s neck. “This semester has just been really stressful. I love you. No matter how snappy I get, I love you.” Blaine wrapped a hand around the side of Kurt’s head and tugged him in for a kiss. Kurt fought all of his instincts to keep himself from pulling back and worrying Blaine even more.

“I love you too. And I know just the remedy for stress, if you’ll let me tonight, after we see the sunset, back at our loft.” The other man held his breath too long. “Kurt?”

“I want to say yes but we’ll have to see how today goes, ok? I mean. Talking about someone maybe having an incurable disease can be a big turn off.”

“Right.” Blaine dropped another kiss on him. Kurt allowed it to linger a moment before pulling away.

  
“I have to go. See you later?”Blaine gave his partner a squeeze before going to join his friends. Kurt waited until he was gone to start moving through the halls of NYADA. He was scared but this was something he had to do. If there was one thing everything in his life had taught him it was that he couldn’t let himself be ruled by fear.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*A note on the talk about sex education: I grew up in Ohio and went to an Ohio high school so I have a vague idea of what Kurt might have been taught. That being said, I had the class in 2006 in a completely different part of the state from Lima. If taken during Freshman year as was required of all the schools in my area, Kurt would have had it in 2008. There’s also the sad fact that while teaching about STDs and HIV/AIDS is required, the information doesn’t legally have to be up-to-date and completely accurate (ours was three years out of date as I found out later and no efforts were made to ensure the information gap was filled, though at least we were told things were always changing and improving). Check out this quick link for some other interesting information on sex education laws, by state:_
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> _http://www.upworthy.com/get-ready-to-be-horrified-at-what-schools-are-telling-kids-about-sex_


	6. Here Comes the Rumour Mill

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 6: Here Comes the Rumour Mill, by The Young Knives  
> Singers: Thomas and Kurt  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDX_--a9XDI

It wasn’t hard to find his goal. Thomas was eating alone in the corner of the dining hall. The table he’d picked was one people rarely sat at. It was always too hot or too cold and the light in that corner was always out. Clearly he wanted to be alone. Kurt took a deep breath before closing in. “Hey, Thomas?”

“Hm? Ah, Hi. Forgive me I don’t who you are?”

“Kurt. Hummel. We both performed at the late showcase last year.”

“Oh! Right. Black eye hero guy.” Black eye hero guy. Well, it was better than his usual nicknames. “What can I help you with Kurt?” Kurt shifted his weight before sitting down. “What’s wrong?”

“I just. Well, uhm. I. Have you ah. Heard…”

“How everyone’s been talking about my status?” Thomas held up his arm. He was wearing a red band with a ribbon etched into it. “Picked this up at the clinic. I’m not going to act ashamed. Its not like touching people is going to pass it on. But I admit I do feel like a bit of a leper now.”

“So the rumors are true?”

“That I don’t know yet.” Kurt started fidgeting. “The quick test came back positive so now I’m waiting on the results from the blood tests. Takes two weeks, there about.”

“When will you know?” Thomas pulled his jacket off to show the fresh bruise on the inside of his arm. “So its going to be a while.”

“Yeah. I’m trying to keep myself busy and upbeat while I’m waiting. I don’t really want to go to parties or clubs anymore though. I don’t suppose you  have any ideas?”

“Well, there’s a different kind of clubbing that’s really good at filling time.” He motioned towards the campus clubs board. “You could talk to some of them and see what their policy is. Some of them are just ‘come, join us, watch movies with us’ and others have auditions but people sometimes transfer out and they could have an opening.”

“You sound like you’ve done this before.”

“When I first started at NYADA I was still dealing with some, uhm, some things. And I was trying to move on, start a new life, and so I got involved in absolutely _everything_ for a little while. A bit too much looking back but yes, I definitely didn’t have too much time on the side to think.” He turned slightly to glance at what was on the board. The Adam’s Apples were still there. They still didn’t get a whole lot of respect from the school but they seemed to have fun. If not for Adam himself Kurt would probably still be a part of it. “Don’t let anything anyone says about any of them deter you either. I mean, if they’re making fun of the clubs. Every diamond started out as coal.”

“Very philosophical of you.” Thomas took a bite of his lunch and Kurt lapsed into a few moments of silence. “So why did you want to talk to me? You seem too nice to be here to find out more gossip to spread.”

“Well, I was actually wondering about, uhm, well, the TA.” Thomas froze. “Austin?”

“Yeah, I know the one you’re talking about.” The man pushed his food around. He seemed content to stay silent so Kurt tried to reinitiate their conversation.

“That’s actually how I heard about you. He was the TA in my Stage Fighting class earlier this semester then he just kind of vanished.”

“Because he had to focus on his musical.”

“Right. But some of the guys think it’s because he, well…”

“Found out he had HIV and didn’t want to see ‘the guy who gave it to him’? I’ve heard that one.” Thomas shook his head. “And I’d believe it. I’m not proud of what I did. But I don’t blame him.”

“What happened?” Kurt rested his elbows on the table. Thomas let out a low sigh.

“We were dating for a long time. Years. And there was this one thing we always fought about, even back before we started dating. He really didn’t like that I’m bisexual. He said it was just a word I use to feel safe. That I’m not really bi. Being with him supposedly proved I was gay or whatever. We had a big blow up about that last summer and I went and did something really, really, really stupid. Because I was mad and I thought ‘you know what, if he thinks I’m going to cheat on him with a girl, why don’t I? That’ll show him.’ Turns out the girl had HIV. And I’m one of the unlucky guys who got it from a girl. Its rare, but it happens. I want to be mad at her, because she knew and wasn’t telling anyone. She thought she couldn’t give it to a guy. I only found out after her ex got back from his summer vacation and found out what she’d been doing. Guess he gave it to her. He told everyone.”

“Wait, that’s...That’s Riley isn’t it?” Kurt thought back to the warnings. ‘You don’t even have to be bi.’ That seemed a bit mean, though Kurt couldn’t say he’d ever say anything nice about Eli. Besides, Riley didn’t sound like the safest girl in the world to have around. Was he sympathizing with Austin? Kurt took a deep breath held it for a few moments. Thomas focused on a spot on the table for a long time.

“I’m not proud of what happened. Pissed is more the word. Sometimes I wonder if I deserved this for what I did. But that’s not right. The way he treated me, we should have broken up a long time ago. Probably never should have dated. He was just great in bed and he could always find a way to convince me to stay. But we were always fighting. He’s just such a rough person. And not in the sexy way. I just wanted to feel like someone loved me.”

“So, if you’ve known for a while, why did you wait so long?”

“I didn’t want to admit I might have it. It’s really stupid. But I got myself together and admitted it to Austin. That’s probably why he left. We’d slept together a few times after I cheated, before he found out. I don’t know if he got tested though, so you’d have to find him if you want to know about his status. Did you sleep with him or something?”

“No.” Short and curt, the word snapped out of him before he could stop it. He glanced over and saw Thomas’s eyebrows rise. Everyone in the school knew he was engaged to Blaine so the insinuation that he was sleeping around with someone else was deeply insulting. Especially with the rumors.

“Sorry. For whatever happened. Since you look a lot like me I can’t imagine he was very nice to you in class.” Kurt glanced over the other man. He was right. They did look similar. Light hair, pale skin, big blue eyes. Not identical, but similar enough. “It’s probably for the best that he left NYADA. I don’t plan on transferring for his sake. I have a right to a future too. And he has a job and a shot already so he doesn’t even need to be here really. He was just doing it for some extra money and to flesh his resume out a bit.”

“He didn’t actually leave. He’s supposed to be back next semester.” Kurt took another breath and clenched his fists. “I can’t wait and I can’t go talk to him. But...I need to know.”

“I don’t know anyone who talks to him. Sorry.” Thomas leaned a little closer to Kurt. “Look, I know mistakes happen.” Kurt clenched his jaw. Thomas thought he’d cheated on Blaine. “Don’t wait. There’s this test at most pharmacies. Forty bucks. You take it home and you can do it while you’re alone and it’ll tell you if you’re positive or not. 99.9% accuracy rating. For positive tests I mean. It has more around a 9% chance of giving a false negative, but the positives are almost always right. That’s your  best bet starting point.” Thomas ripped a piece of paper from a notebook and jotted down the name of the test, along with some nearby pharmacies that carried it. “I know it sucks but take the test as soon as you can. Ok? Get one for your partner too.”

Kurt held the paper in his hands. This was real. He suddenly found himself unable to move. The world was collapsing around him. ‘Fatal.’ That was all he could focus on.

“Woah, Kurt, hey. You look like you’re gonna be sick.”

“I might be.” Thomas pulled the paper away from him and jotted something else onto it. A phone number.

“If you need to talk about anything, just text me ok? I don’t have much experience, but once is more than never right?”

“Thank you.” Thomas even folded up the paper to pass it back to him. That made it a little easier to at least put it away.

“There’s a chance we’re both fine you know.”

“But there’s also a chance we’re not.”

“Try not to be so glum, please. I’m trying to stay positive here.”

“Right, sorry. Yeah. Stay positive. There’s a chance we’re not.” Kurt took another deep breath.

“Don’t sleep with anyone till you know for sure, yeah?”

“Never.” Though it could already be too late. Kurt took a deep breath. Be positive. Stay positive. It wasn’t that much blood. It had seemed like a lot but that was because of its location. Though people could get it from sharing needles, and there wasn’t usually a lot of blood on a needle, less than a drop, but Kurt was staying positive.

“Are you going to be ok?”

“For now.”

“I’m sure you’re fine Kurt. And even if you aren’t, it’s not the end of the world. Honest. Things have come a long way since the 80s.” One more breath. He couldn’t banish the images.

“I need to...to go. Uhm. Actually here.” Kurt leaned over and picked up Thomas’s pen to jot down his own number. “You can text me too, if you need someone to talk to.”

“Someone a bit depressing?”

“I swear I’m not usually so miserable.”

“I know. I saw that show you put on for Blaine. I swear if I ever met someone who would sing to me like that I’d ask them to marry me on the spot. You’re both pretty lucky.” Kurt pressed his lips together. He heard the insinuation. Or maybe he imagined it. But he believed it was there. “I’m sure Blaine will understand, whatever it is.”

“I didn’t cheat on him. Austin...he…” Kurt looked down. He still couldn’t say it. Over two months had passed and he still couldn’t say it out loud. Speaking the words was like admitting defeat. Admitting he was just a weak porcelain doll. Deep inside there was a doll, fragile and broken. But it had always been pieced back together by the love of the people around him. He didn’t want to admit that he could break again.

“You don’t seem like the type who would hurt someone you love on purpose. I believe you.” Kurt let all the air out of his lungs again.

“I need to go. I have piano practice in a little bit and I wanted to run through my piece before it.”

“Are you going to play at that instrumental showcase after Thanksgiving?”

“Oh, no, no. I’m not that good. I just wanted to improve my skills a bit, mostly for personal reasons really.”

“To serenade Blaine some more?”

“Maybe.” That actually put a smile on Kurt’s face. Thomas pointed towards that smile.

“There you go. Think about the good things you have in life, ok? Focus on that and you’ll be fine.” Kurt bid his new friend goodbye before turning to head out. He paused in the hallway. Stay positive and go upstairs and do his piano lesson then go get the test or give into his worries and skip class to grab the test now? The answer was an easy one.

He pulled out his phone and formed a quick apology email to his professor saying that he’d been feeling progressively sicker all day (which was true - his nerves were giving him a terrible case of nausea) and practice probably wasn’t a good idea. Kurt swore he’d work on the piece at home. But first he needed to take a test. He pulled out the paper and glanced at the pharmacies guaranteed to have what he needed and then which one was closest to the loft. Because he wouldn’t want to wait long.

Kurt couldn’t sit still on the subway over. His mind was filled all over again with the shame of that day. Whoever had made that noise was his hero, truly. He could feel the memories of his shame returning anew. Sure it wasn’t his fault. He was male after all. Those things just happened. Especially when there was direct stimulation. It meant nothing. Kurt knew better than to feel like this. He still felt dirty. Like he had skipped mere cheating and moved straight to betrayal. And his blood could now be betraying them both. None of it meant anything yet here he was.

There were free clinics all over he could pop in to but it was just as easy for someone that recognized him to be there. Or someone who knew of him. That was the problem with being in the public eye. It was hard to do anything in private. They weren’t even celebrities yet but gossip traveled very fast. All it took was one spark. The last thing he needed was word of this getting back to June before he had a chance to talk to Blaine.

This was a good time in the afternoon. It was just after lunch hour when he stepped in. There was still an hour before the high schools let out. It was just him and the clerk. No one else was there to see this. Kurt poked through the aisles. He felt so wrong here. Especially as he passed by what seemed like a wall of pregnancy tests. 99.9% accuracy. This was the closest a man could probably come to understanding the gravity one of those tests carried with them. Well, in terms of their own bodies. Kurt could imagine having a girlfriend show a positive test was just as heavy as what he was about to do to Blaine.

Positive. He had to stay positive. Positive that the test would be negative.

His eyes landed on it. He wrapped his cold fingers around the even colder box. “Here we go.” Kurt kept his eyes down as he paid. Two-six-two-six he spun the ring. He kept the bag close to his chest as he crossed the distance home. It was dark inside even though it was still daytime. Late autumn tended to do that.

He glanced to the paper he’d been given, plugging Thomas’ number into his phone before ripping it up and burying it in the trash. That way no matter what he could tell Blaine on his terms.

The box was smooth, kind of small too. McKinley hadn’t prepared him for this. Those times he’d gone to the clinic he had gone in confident nothing was wrong. After all, he and Blaine were very close to being the only partners each other had had through their entire lives. They’d only gone to be extra sure. The second time it was just because Sam and Artie wanted to. Being ‘bros’ they couldn’t just not support their friends. It was free after all. They had all had the basic rundown of what the diseases did and which ones could be cured and ‘always use protection, always,’ but Kurt had always been so sure he would never be in this position that he’d never been worried. He always knew he would take care of his body and he would always make sure his partner or partners kept it wrapped (until presenting a clean bill of health). He knew that.

Kurt could never have been prepared to be in a position like this over something so stupid. That was what it really was. Stupid. He hadn’t been strong enough and he’d made a mistake biting down like that. Of course he should have been more careful. He didn’t know anything about Austin. Hadn’t he suspected the man regularly attacked others? It should have occurred to him that this was possible. Blood was dangerous.

The back of the box was covered in fine print. Anything to buy a little time.

“Don’t eat or drink for thirty minutes before the test,” he read out loud. He hadn’t eaten since breakfast. That wasn’t an issue. Though there was something that was. “Taking the test within the three month window period could produce a false negative.” Three months. “August to September to October…” He couldn’t take the test. Not for at least two more weeks.

Kurt shoved it away deep under the bed in a box neither of them ever opened and allowed himself to spread out flat on the floor. Taking the dates into consideration meant he would have to wait until just before their reunion. There was one tiny good thing. He wouldn’t have to wonder while he was seeing all his friends.

The phone buzzed. Blaine. _I went up to see you before classes and the teacher said you’d emailed her saying you were sick. Do you want me to come home?_

Kurt knew he had to keep it together and not let Blaine touch him until he was able to take the test. Which meant he needed to explain things to Blaine. He could tell Blaine to come home and they could talk everything through and of course Blaine would understand, he always understood, this wasn’t that big of a deal. Yet he couldn’t put it out of his mind: ‘Being assaulted by a complete stranger got me up.’ It was so wrong.

 _No, I just need some rest, that’s all. I love you Blaine._ He just couldn’t do it.

 _I love you too._ Kurt pulled himself to his feet and went to take a shower.


	7. Secrets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 7: Secrets, by One Republic  
> Sung By: Kurt and Blaine (among other songs)  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qHm9MG9xw1o

Kurt hadn’t practiced his piano. He hadn’t worked on his moves for the brawl. He hadn’t studied for his history class or worked on his song for the winter showcase. In fact there wasn’t a lot he had been doing that people might say was important considering how bad his grades were getting. Most of his energy was spent acting through every minute of his day.

Texting Thomas had become a go-to crutch. Thomas, at least for a little while, made him think positively. But then he turned his attention back to the world and his heart clenched up again. Especially when he saw Blaine’s smile.

It should not have been that hard. Blaine had to know. His health depended on his knowledge. They had to talk. Yes as long as Blaine didn’t see his grades it was so easy to just play the exhaustion card. After all, the holiday season had things at work picking up, not to mention the nights he didn’t work they were almost guaranteed to be performing for one of June’s events.

The roaring applause of their audience pounded in his head.

The first half of their act was finally over. It had been super stuffed with slow romantic duets (Up Where We Belong, I Knew You Were Waiting, The Closer I Get To You, Endless Love, among others) that were intended for the guests to talk over as they arrived. The real show would follow after a brief intermission of speeches and requests for donations to whatever was the theme of the evening. Blaine had been pushing lately for June to take up the problem of homelessness in New York since the winter season was setting in and last year had been terrible. It seemed she was taking him seriously but honestly neither man was quite sure what they were performing for.

The men were glad for their reprieve. Blaine tucked back on his water bottle and Kurt carefully pulled out a cough drop when he wasn’t looking. His throat had been getting sorer with each passing day, as were his neck and limbs. It was like he was getting the flu. Which, from what he found online, was very bad. The internet told him that somewhere between six weeks and three months post HIV infection was the ‘primary’ stage. Which felt like the worst case of the flu the infected person had ever experienced. Which was how Kurt felt right now.

Kurt let himself sink to the floor backstage. “This is going really well,” Blaine offered encouragingly.

“Yeah, we’re great.”

“But you can’t wait to get home?”

“And get to bed.” He sent his love a smile. Blaine knew he meant sleep. He always meant sleep these days. They hadn’t had sex in two weeks.

This was the one great disadvantage to living together. Kurt had shown a distaste for porn before and Blaine didn’t want to disrespect that, but he was feeling frustrated. He wanted his love and he wanted to make love. The worst part was that Kurt was right there all the time and yet he still had to resort to imagining their escapades in the shower. At the same time he knew Kurt was stressed. This wasn’t a problem he’d really faced before and Sam and Artie were absolutely no help as they were just as inexperienced. Sure Sam hadn’t been able to sleep with Mercedies but that had been laid out at the start. Kurt had been in his position but Kurt was the source of the issue this time. Blaine didn’t want to make things worse by making it sound like their relationship required sex. It did not. But ever since they’d started they really hadn’t stopped (when they weren’t several states apart and/or broken up) aside from when Blaine felt deeply insecure about his body. There was no way Kurt was feeling like that. His muscles had been growing for months and he very clearly knew he was working a body most men envied.

“I hope you two are ready,” June called with a wave. “We’re on!” By ‘we’ of course she meant them. She was just going to talk on stage for a little while, brag about them, things of that nature. Blaine took Kurt’s hand to lift him back to his feet and the two of them stepped out, waving, as the adorable couple everyone came to see and listen to. Of course the audiences ate it up. A gay engaged couple that were both super performers and were, in many ways, physical opposites. Including their voices. They were often a hit just on that alone. The audience went crazy when they returned to the stage. It was really just about everything they’d dreamed of.

Blaine didn’t want to let go of Kurt, but he had to. They had to dance to their first song. Which was already interesting enough. Kurt had decided to sing the Mellencamp part of Wild Night. Though Blaine was on board after he’d explained it was something he wanted to send to his dad. Partly on a memory and partly to show Burt how far he had come in four years. They’d even managed to get Artie into the event just to film them (though they had both caught glimpses of him using this event to his full advantage). They’d told June it was so they could review the performance so they could improve on it.

“And everything looks so complete,” Kurt sang in a voice that people rarely heard, “when you’re walking down the street.” Blaine could hear it before it happened. Kurt reached over and gave him a push. His voice was threatening to give way, crackling under the pressures. He just needed to stop dancing. Blaine covered that plenty well for them. He had the crowd screaming.

“The wild night is calling,” they sang together. Kurt stepped to the front of their stage and motioned to the people standing around.

“Come on out and dance.”

“Come on out and make romance.” They could see the look on June’s face. This wasn’t part of the plan. But at least it was working. Several of the old patrons got giddy little smiles on their faces and first they started twisting but before long they were shuffling around and even dancing together. Old dances that Kurt rather liked but didn’t expect he’d see in any young crowd.

Their next couple of songs were just as much of a mixed bag. The two men worked with each other, as best as they could. Blaine didn’t complain. He could see clearly how hard Kurt was trying to push through this.

June took her first possible opportunity to rejoin them. A bright smile was forced on her face as she slipped Kurt a bottle of water and leaned in to whisper. “What is going on up here?”

“I might be getting a cold,” Kurt responded. “I just need to take it easy.”

“Are you going to be able to finish tonight?”

“Yeah. Of course.”

“And what about the next number?” Kurt stared blankly for a moment. Then he saw Blaine with the guitar. Right. That thing he’d been practicing all summer with Elliot’s help. Kurt was supposed to wow the crowds with his newest talent. Blaine held onto it while he drank half the bottle.

“We’ll be fine. Whatever happens, we’ve got this.”

“Alright. Don’t make me regret trusting you.”

“We can handle this,” Blaine pressed, his hand reaching out to rest on Kurt’s shoulder. Their eyes linked for a moment. He was expecting to have to cover for Kurt again. The dance wasn’t the first cover he’d had to do that evening. Kurt had been a bit pitchy on his usual high notes in the first half. They hadn’t even had any of the really wow-ing ones. That was reserved for their grand finale.

“Thanks,” Kurt whispered as he took the guitar.

“Do you want to do a last minute swap on our last song?” Blaine asked. “We can. Throw in one of our songs instead.” Our songs. Meaning one of the songs they crooned to each other around the loft or whenever else the mood struck them.

“Yeah, tell the musicians when they come back.” Since he and Blaine were now the only two people on stage. To punctuate his guitar playing. “I’ll follow your lead.” Kurt took a deep breath and leaned against the piano, fingers at the ready. “Let’s do this.” Blaine kissed his cheek before going to his mic. This was Kurt’s song. Blaine was just here to harmonize. Well, and hit his tambourine in time.

“Which leads us up to now,” June said as she glanced over them, letting out a very visible sigh of relief that they were done talking. Even though they hadn’t actually been talking that long. “Mr. Hummel has been practicing his guitar all summer for this, so it is my honor to present him to you for the first time on stage as not only a singer and dancer but as a guitarist as well.” Kurt took a deep breath and nodded towards Blaine. This was it.

“Ho!” Blaine hit his tambourine on beat. “Hey! Ho! Hey!”

 

“I’ve been trying to do it right,

I’ve been living a lonely life,

I’ve been sleeping in my bed,

I’ve been sleeping here instead,

Sleeping here instead.”

 

Kurt pushed on, despite swapping two of the lines. The damage was minimal. As long as he exuded confidence, people wouldn’t even notice.

 

“So show me family,

All the blood that I would bleed.

I don’t know where I belong,

I don’t know where I went wrong.”

 

“But I can write a song,” they sang together.

 

“I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet - ho! Hey!”

 

When he and Blaine began to harmonize Kurt swore he saw people tearing up. Especially when they got to ‘you’re my sweetheart.’ His voice was heavy with emotion but he knew that the type of crowd also played a part.

A lot of the people were divorced and could remember young love, the passion, and everything they had always wanted. Kurt knew that most people hoped for the best for them and didn’t hold any leftover malice. They wanted a fairytale, even if it wasn’t their own. He really hoped all these people wouldn’t have to come to their wedding. Maybe they’d have to have two. A public ceremony for show and a private one that mattered. Hopefully not but Kurt was sure he could deal with marrying Blaine twice.

 

“I don’t think you’re right for him,

Look at what it might have been if you

Took a bus to China Town.

I’d be standing on Canal and Bowery.”

 

He glanced down to his hands. That was a mistake. “And she’d be standing next to me.” His voice weakened with each word. There were spots on his hand that he hadn’t noticed before. How had he missed them? Why did he have to notice them now in the middle of a performance?

 

“I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart.”

 

Kurt didn’t realize that he’d left Blaine hanging completely acapella for the chorus that followed. Blaine stepped up without a problem. It was almost more beautiful that way anyway. When he hit the note on “Love” Kurt glanced back up and remembered himself. The rash was another sign but the show had to go on. The guitar resumed, and Kurt cut back in to finish off strong.

 

“Love

– we need it now

Let's hope for some

So, we're bleeding out

 

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweetheart

I belong with you, you belong with me, you're my sweet - ho! Hey!

Ho! Hey!”

 

In an instant Blaine was at his side, the tambourine deposited onto the cool black surface of the piano. “Are you ok? Kurt?”

“I blanked,” he whispered. “I can’t finish tonight Blaine I have to go, I’m sorry I have to get off this stage, please.” It was unprofessional but Kurt really couldn’t care any less. All the signs were in place. Did he even need to take the test now? No, no, he had to stay positive. Until he saw a positive mark on that test nothing was certain.

June was merciful. She swooped in to announce that Ho Hey had been their finale. Blaine pulled Kurt into a bow. No one in the audience demanded another song. They were polite, they cheered, they let the men leave. Blaine pulled Kurt into a tight hug once they were off the stage.

“What happened?”

“I blanked.” On all things musical.

“You never blank.” It wasn’t doubt or an accusation. Blaine’s voice was littered with fear. This was yet another way Kurt was no longer acting like himself.

“But I did.”

“You look really pale. Here, sit down, please.” Kurt let Blaine pull him to the ground. There were no chairs nearby for them to commandeer. Blaine preferred it this way. Like this he was able to hook one arm around Kurt’s waist. The other hand pressed to his forehead.

“I don’t have a fever.”

“You’re still really hot.”

“So are you.”

“I don’t mean-”

“Me either. It was hot on that stage.”

“That’s never bothered you before.”

“Well tonight was different!” Blaine pulled away. “No, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to snap.” He just needed to say it. ‘Blaine two months ago a guy forcibly kissed me, I bit him, and now I think we might have HIV.’ But Blaine wouldn’t take just that sentence. He’d want more. Kurt would have to talk about the assault. Maybe even his body’s response to it.

“Kurt.” Blaine started to take his hand. Kurt pushed them into the pockets of his suit’s jacket.

“It’s just rough right now. The performances, work, classes, and we have exams and more performances for classes that are all coming up after break. Not to mention we have all this work to do for the reunion next week.” Blaine’s arm returned to his waist. This was something he could do. Be Kurt’s hero. This made sense. Even if nothing else that had been going on did, at the very least he could be Kurt’s hero.

“You’re stretching yourself too thin. You’re going to get really sick.”

“I can’t get sick. Not right now.”

“You can’t always get sick when it’s convenient for you. Why don’t you take the next few days off.”

“Off of what?”

“Everything. Stay home, get some rest. I’ll stay with you tomorrow, then Rachel will be here after that in case you’re worried about me skipping classes. We only have a couple of days left until Thanksgiving break anyway.” Kurt had his mouth open ready to argue just that point. “You and I both know that our health has to come first if we’re going to work in an industry that focuses on our bodies.”

“That sounds a little like we’re trying to be porn stars.” The joke got a little smile out of both of them. “I’m going to go to my classes. I’ve been slacking enough this month as it is. And somewhere in there I need to practice for our show Sunday-”

“Oh no you don’t,” they heard from the doorway. “Kurt, you were awful out there tonight. Well not awful but compared to a usual performance that was terrible. You look like you could faint. I think you need a break.” Kurt pushed back to his feet, ready to defend himself. Blaine hopped up to fight for him as well. “ _For your health_. I expect you both to get some rest and we’ll get to work again in December.” She crossed the distance between them. “Since you two are so close I’m sure you’ve shared whatever this is and I can assure you at my age I don’t want it. So stay home and get healthy. Go on.” She waved her hands dismissively at both of them.

“Thank you,” Blaine started. “Thank you, tha-”

“I know I know, I’m too soft on you. It must be my old age. I’ll call you after Thanksgiving. Make sure you drink a lot of that vinegar-honey tea recipe I gave you. It works wonders on sore throats.” Kurt felt his face threatening to scrunch up. Show business had brought a lot of weird treatments for whatever ailed the human body. The vinegar tea recipe was probably one of the grosser ones that he’d been introduced to if only because he was expected to ingest it. External use treatments seemed a lot less dangerous. Plus he never had to _taste_ them. Though he knew there had to be worse.

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Blaine told her as he took Kurt by the arm and pulled on him.

“Hey, guys, what’s going on?” Artie called as he rolled up, camera secured to his chest. He was not going to lose that thing.

“I don’t really want to talk about it right now,” Kurt said apologetically. “I think I just want to get home and get some rest.”

“Alright. I’ll cut this for you tonight. But I need to know, do you want to give your dad the whole performance or just the highlights?” His voice was hinging on its politeness.

“It was that obvious? Ugh. Can you give me both options? Maybe it won’t be so bad he’ll notice. He’s not as attuned to performances as we are. I really want to show him my first time playing guitar on stage. He’s been kind of excited about it so he’ll notice if its missing. And the Mellencamp song too, that was a surprise for him.”

“I’ll do my best.” Blaine gave him a squeeze. “Thank you Artie. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Bye guys.” As Kurt turned away, Artie tried to sign his concern to Blaine. Blaine just nodded solemnly. He knew. He was going to take care of Kurt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The other songs performed at their concert:  
> Up Where We Belong by Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=95QoDc_obN8  
> I Knew You Were Waiting by Aretha Franklin and George Michael  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WDtzsFsWSho  
> The Closer I Get To You by Roberta Flack and Donny Hathaway  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ccOYCO-4vLs  
> Endless Love by Diana Ross & Lionel Richie  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP7m5VqQ6f8  
> Wild Night duet cover by John Mellencamp and Me'Shell Ndegeocello   
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1nPPRQeTxTY  
> Ho Hey, acoustic version, by The Lumineers  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZiuO7r-Zgto


	8. Good Intentions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 8: Good Intentions, by Toad and the Wet Sprocket  
> Singer: Blaine  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pZeDpXfJnVA

“Ok, her vinegar honey tea is definitely out,” Blaine offered, trying to stay upbeat as the two of them arrived home. “But I do make this really awesome night time blend. Helps with sleep.” He may not have understood what was happening but it would take a fool not to realize that Kurt was aching. Their sleep had been very disruptive due to the tossing and Blaine had noticed that the sheets around his fiancé would be soaked come morning from all the sweating. His clothes were often just as drenched. Which he had been wearing. They hadn’t worn clothes to bed since Rachel left.

“I’d love that,” Kurt whispered as he disappeared into the bathroom. Blaine could clearly hear that he wasn’t using it for anything audible. He wasn’t even washing his face, which he always did before he moisturized. He tried very hard not to pry. There was no way he could know what was happening. That Kurt was, behind closed curtains, checking the extent of his hand rash. Where Blaine wouldn’t have to worry.

The only time Kurt acted icy like this was after a fight. But that never lasted long. Blaine would apologize for what he’d done or Kurt would apologize for losing his temper and they would be fine. Their relationship, like all relationships, was a push and pull dance that fell in sync less than half the time and that was completely ok. It took work and Kurt was more than worth that.

That didn’t mean Blaine liked it when he got icy, of course. Especially when they hadn’t had a fight. Things like this were what had lead Kurt to feeling smothered last year. He bottled up whatever was bothering him and they’d started to feel a wedge. Kurt was a bottler though. He didn’t want to weigh people down unless it was an emergency. That was why he needed a hero even now. Blaine kept quiet as he tried to figure out the best way to breach the issue. This couldn’t go on.

Kurt eventually returned and dropped on the couch, flipping the TV on while he waited for his tea. Blaine sat right beside him. Turned with clear intention of talking. It was a motion that Kurt learned away from. “We need to talk.”

“About what?”

“I’m not blind Kurt.” A panic rose in the older man’s eyes as he shifted to turn his body away. “Please, tell me what’s wrong. I love you, it really hurts when you get distant like this. It...it scares me.” Blaine rested a hand on Kurt’s back. He’d left his jacket in the bathroom. Blaine decided to use that as an excuse to flee if Kurt got too antsy. While he did want answers he didn't want to add any more pain to Kurt's day.

Kurt surprised him though. After one deep breath he turned around. In one fluid movement he went from completely shut off to straddled over Blaine’s lap with his arms draped over his shoulders and forehead resting lightly on the edge of Blaine’s dark locks. This was new. Cold to hot in five seconds without any realizations about what was going on and what they needed to do to make it better? That wasn’t how these talks usually went. Usually they talked first then had the hot make up sex.

It wasn't really hot though. Despite the way their chests pressed tight to each other. The look on his face was lukewarm at best. Kurt's lips pressed down deep on Blaine's then lingered over them after. It was worse than not being touched at all. It felt dead. “Blaine, I love you.” His voice wasn't dead. His voice sounded broken and pained. Blaine tried to brush that off. Kurt's voice had clearly been hurting this evening. That was all it was. He slid his body to fit more closely to Blaine’s. “I love you so much more than I ever dreamed I could love anyone. You are so wonderful, you mean the absolute world to me. Even when I’m being snappy I’m happiest with you. I love you. You know that, don’t you?” Blaine let his hands latch together against Kurt's back. To chain him there. Keep him right where he was. Safely away from whatever clouds he'd been swimming through these last few months.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” He tilted his head and let Kurt rest against his shoulder.

“Just a lot of stress. I don’t mean to be distant I just. I don’t.” A deep sigh escaped him and the hot air caressed Blaine’s neck. “I don’t have the energy to do more. I love you so much, so much Blaine.”

“Maybe we should go to bed?”

“I’m not physically exhausted. Its all in my head. I know it is.” Blaine turned to kiss his cheek. Kurt pushed their mouths together immediately at the motion. He never wanted to stop kissing Blaine. They could just stay here like this until the end of time and Kurt would never regret it. He just wanted to prove his love despite what he may have done to Blaine's body. This was something that Blaine needed to know that Kurt could tell him. Even if things weren’t ok they still had love. Love was all they needed. It was all they would ever need. Wasn't that how the song went? Their engagement song too. All they needed was love. 

“What can I do to help?”

“You’re already doing it. Being here, putting up with me.” They kissed again. Blaine initiated this one since these kisses seemed to be helping Kurt. They pained him though. The kisses felt like they were coming from someone who had been gone a long time. Or the kiss of someone who was leaving. The kisses of someone who was about to break their lover’s heart by doing something they didn’t even want to do. He would know. He’d given them before.

Blaine put those thoughts aside. Kurt needed him at his best, not as an insecure mess.

He turned their bodies to stretch out on the length of the sofa, pressing Kurt down into the cushions. There was no resistance. Their limbs quickly entangled around each other as Blaine tried to use his kisses to end all of Kurt’s problems. At least for one night. “The water’s going to boil.” The words whispered heavily against his ear went unheeded. Kurt’s tone was deep - Blaine’s favorite when they were close like this.

His fingers fumbled over the shirt buttons. His heart was racing at the mere possibility of seeing Kurt naked tonight. And Kurt wasn’t pushing him away or telling him that he was too tired for this. So he kept going. He brushed kiss after kiss to Kurt’s skin. He wanted to cover the entire canvas with love.

Kurt rolled his head back to focus himself. He wanted this and he wanted Blaine. But he couldn’t have him. Pale fingers coursed through dark hair, loosening some of the curls. Those wild curls always made him look like a scruffy puppy in the morning. Yet they always gave him such a wildly manly look in the dim lights of the night. “Blaine,” he whispered. His fiancé didn’t stop kissing him. Kurt frowned a moment before Blaine hit one of his most sensitive spots. At least his pants were still secured to his waist. “Mmh! Blaine!” That almost destroyed his self control. It felt so good and so right and he just wanted so much more. “Come here!” he commanded with all the force he could muster. He couldn’t let himself be weak.

This time the man obeyed, returning to Kurt’s lips. It only took Kurt a moment to decide what to do. His hands were swift and adept as they pulled Blaine’s shirt free from his pants and tossed the man’s belt aside. Blaine felt a thrill as the cold fingertips traced around. It took great effort to continue the kisses. Kurt was an expert now. Though even the first tentative explorations three years ago would elicit this exact reaction. Blaine couldn’t help himself.

Kurt dropped his eyes shut when Blaine gave up on his kissing. There was a song only they could understand pouring out of his mouth, directly into Kurt’s ear. “I love you,” he managed between notes. Kurt was very purposeful about using his left hand even though he was much more adept with his right. The rash had only been the right one. The sores were just little pink spots, not even open yet, but he wasn’t taking chances with Blaine’s body.

“I love you too,” Kurt replied, gripping his free hand tight on Blaine’s shoulder to ensure he stayed right where he was. Blaine’s fingers dug desperately onto Kurt’s shirt. He tried to pull it off so he could enjoy the porcelain skin underneath but Kurt was not about to let go of him.

Kurt’s hands slipped effortlessly around Blaine when the man’s body collapsed on top of him, entirely at peace.

“We’re going to have to scrub our pants before we go to bed.”

“It was worth it.” Kurt was being careful with his words. He wanted Blaine to feel like that was enough.

A pair of strong hands massaged at his sides. “Your muscles are tense. I can take care of that.” Blaine rested a soft kiss on Kurt’s neck before resituating their legs so he could sit up. Once he felt secure he tossed his own shirt away and pressed his hands down on Kurt’s chest. They could work on his back later.

The sight of all that skin had an instantaneous reaction - especially when their positions were taken into account. Kurt tried not to let himself look panicked. He was _supposed_ to be turned on by Blaine. Of course not now but in general. This was a very healthy reaction. Especially as the hands dug into his muscles, working out every ache they could find. Blaine was especially careful to work on the sides of his neck. “Blaine,” he whispered, not entirely sure what to do now. There was a quiver in his voice.

“Shh,” was Blaine’s response. “Let me take care of you.” Kurt wanted that. More than anything. To just lie there and let Blaine tend to his body’s every little need. His body did need this. It told them so.

He tried not to worry. Blaine was focused on his neck and shoulders and the water would be boiling any minute now. Then he could find something extremely interesting (or maybe just gross - there were usually plenty of medical shows on in the evening after all) on TV and completely diffuse the moment. “Mmm,” he hummed as the man worked out a particularly tight spot. It just felt so good to let Blaine touch him like this.

Blaine shifted his arms from his shirt, giving them a gentle rubbing as well. “How’s that?”

“Good.” Good was all Blaine was going to get. It was an easy word to get out and if he tried for anything else he was liable to just start moaning. That wouldn’t do. It would only encourage his fiancé to keep this up.

“I’m glad.” Blaine’s hands shifted, brushing over Kurt’s ribs and down to his sides again. Everything was sore so every touch made a difference. Kurt could feel the pleasure coursing through his veins. He almost didn’t notice the finger tips so adeptly undoing his belt buckle

“Blaine.”

“Shh.” He really did mean well. Kurt knew that. Both of his hands tugged on Kurt’s pants. His head bobbed over to leave a few kisses on the bared skin. They trailed downwards in a subconscious show of his intentions. He had the button and zipper undone before Kurt could stop him.

“Tea!” he shouted as his hands wrapped tightly around Blaine’s wrists. The confusion was apparent. Kurt tried to take deep breaths but he found that his lungs couldn’t handle it. He figured he had just let himself get too into Blaine’s touch. “The tea. The water’s boiling.”

“I don’t hear it.” Blaine had only been this impatient once before - when he was tipsy and not entirely himself. Kurt tried not to let himself get scared when he felt Blaine resist his grip. The man meant well. He just wanted to help. Blaine leaned over and placed another kiss on Kurt’s lips. Somehow, just like this evening, they were hot and cold at the same time. Wanting but pushing away. Kurt pressed on his shoulders and tried to squirm out from underneath his weight.

“I hear it.” Blaine wasn’t going to hold him there when he was trying so hard to get away. It hurt the most when Kurt nearly ran for the kitchen. His heart ached. Every beat took effort. Kurt had run from him. Suddenly there wasn’t movement at all. He turned around to see what Kurt was doing. He was just standing there.

“What’s wrong?”

“False alarm.” His voice was so small and distant. That clearly hadn’t been stress. They had something going. Kurt had been very visibly enjoying himself. He’d been plenty vocal about it too despite his efforts to stay quiet. His body had been responding well. If this was just stress then they could have finished. Both of them. Like always.

Blaine leaned back on the couch and watched as his love stood there and did nothing but watch the water. He was starting to wonder if his initial assessment had been wrong. Maybe Kurt had been bulking up for a reason. Perhaps he actually felt very insecure about himself right now. Though Blaine couldn’t see any new reason for this, aside from what looked like a case of stress-induced acne on his shoulders. Even so, Kurt was as beautiful as ever. Nothing had changed with his body.

Kurt tucked his hands into his pockets. He’d noticed that they were shaking. It took all his effort not to steal glances back at the man he’d left on the other side of the room. All he wanted right then was for Blaine to stay quiet about this. To just let it go for now. They would talk - they would - but not tonight. He just couldn’t do it tonight. He was going to take the test first. Then tell Blaine. Since there was still a great chance it could be negative. A dwindling chance sure but a chance was a chance.

“You are the most attractive man in the world,” Blaine offered. It was a sincere compliment but Blaine was also trying to gauge his reaction. The response spread a bright smile on his face. That was a blush. An honest to goodness blush. Something Blaine, on another day, would have been downright giddy over. Kurt waved his hips as he resituated his weight and tried to get comfortable under his red hot cheeks.  

“You’re not bad yourself,” Kurt finally offered back with a little smile. “No, let me try that again. You are the hottest man I have ever seen.” They sent each other casual smiles. At least Kurt wasn’t entirely broken. He allowed himself to enjoy the compliments. At a safe distance.

“Well its a good thing you can’t see yourself. I mean. Like I see you. That sounded a lot better in my head.” There was another laugh. Blaine’s voice became lighter as he spoke.  “Did you know that we can never really see ourselves? Cameras and mirrors don’t really captures us. Same goes for our voices. It really is a shame though. You are quite simply the most amazing person to behold and you will never be able to see that for yourself. It really is a shame.” Blaine sat up a little straighter as Kurt chuckled even more.

“I’ll just have to trust you on that then won’t I? Ah, there’s the water. Is our usual ok?”

“I was going to make your absolute favorite, but really its whatever you want tonight. You need the pick-me-up more than I do.” He could see Kurt’s hand dancing between ‘their usual’ and his prime choice. The flavors of it always hit a little to high in the senses for Blaine whereas their usual was one they could both agree hit the right spots even if the flavor wasn’t as strong as either of them liked. Blaine would deal with whatever Kurt chose.

He took a moment to disappear and start some water for their pants. They really had made a mess. Well, he had. “Kurt! Bring me your pants! And your shirt!”

Blaine leaned over to scrub his own. These were their best suits.

Kurt was taking his time. Setting up the tea and, from the sounds of it, actually changing into pajamas. Again. Blaine tried not to groan at that thought. He made a note in his phone to call Burt when he had a second to see if Mr. Hummel knew anything about the younger Mr. Hummel. Maybe there had been some news in the family that had upset him. Blaine had definitely noticed the ring twirling. Among other little things.

Such as making sure everything lined up evenly. All around the loft not a single piece of paper was out of line.

The man glanced out and found Kurt back over at the counter, clearly reorganizing the bags in the box. When he was shifting their soap around on the sink it looked like he was just tidying up. Kurt always liked the décor just so after all. After the cancer scare though Blaine couldn’t assume this was nothing. “Kurt, please hurry up, it’ll stain if we don’t take care of it fast.”

“Just a second!” He definitely needed to talk to Burt. This stuff wasn’t a disruptive problem on its own but it pointed to a clear upset in Kurt’s life. Blaine’s only guess was that someone had been diagnosed with something terminal. But Kurt would tell him about that.

Blaine dipped back in the bathroom and checked his pants. They looked clean enough so he hung them up, careful to move Kurt’s jacket out of the way of any drips. It was heavy. Blaine realized his phone was still in the pocket so he grabbed it out to put on the charger before depositing the garment itself in the special-wash laundry pile. Which was more of a neatly folded stack because these garments were, of course, extremely special.

It buzzed in his hand.

He only meant to glance and see who it was. They’d been trying to get in touch with Rachel about her hopes and dreams of a vegetarian side-feast at their reunion. That was the problem of having meat loving meat eaters in the group right next to Super Diva TV-Stardom-Wasn’t-Helping-To-Mellow-Her Vegetarian Rachel. It was immensely difficult to find a compromise that everyone could be happy with. So far they hadn’t had much luck reaching her. Apparently she was so strung out on her show that she wasn’t answering anyone’s calls at the moment.

It wasn’t Rachel. It was Thomas. The boy Kurt had been texting. “Kurt! Text message!”

“Rachel?”

“Thomas!” That got him running.

“Careful!” Blaine hissed when the phone was snatched from him. “What is it?” Kurt was quiet, taking deep breaths. “Kurt?” His fiancé turned the phone so he could see.

  
 _I’m HIV+_


	9. Rainy Days and Mondays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 9: Rainy Days and Mondays, by The Carpenters  
> Singer: Rachel (to Kurt)  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PjFoQxjgbrs&feature=kp

The call with Burt had signaled an all clear for overall family health and Burt had promised to give Kurt a call as well. Maybe Kurt would be more upfront with his own father. Though if it had anything to do with his body the odds were probably slim on that. Blaine was planning on using Rachel next if he had to. It had occurred to him that perhaps something else was wrong with Kurt’s health. A great many possibilities cropped up in his mind - especially given Kurt’s family history. Blaine was trying not to let himself worry until he had more reason to. After all, this could just be the build up to and the actual case of a really bad bout with the flu.

In the mean time Blaine was just trying to be the best husband-to-be he could. Within thirty-six or so hours since their performance, Kurt’s health had essentially spiralled. While his fiancé was too groggy to understand what was up he’d taken his temperature that morning. The thermometer read 101 degrees. Kurt was not going to class today even if Blaine had to tie him to their bed. What he needed was rest. Which was only cemented by how he’d just rolled over and fallen back asleep once Blaine got up. That wasn’t like him. Though he was completely still now. His tossing had been worse than ever last night.

Blaine couldn’t blame him for that though. The news about Thomas was pretty rough. He had been hoping for the best with Kurt. It was really sad that their new friend was going to have to deal with something like that and, with Kurt being the worrier that he was, the news couldn’t have come at a worse time. Between the stress and this cold or flu Kurt had, he was a wreck.

Food this morning was very simple - oatmeal, some fruit, and one cup of hot tea. Blaine even had some crackers at the ready just in case that was too unappealing. Kurt had been pushing his food around for a few days now - at least that Blaine had really noticed. Even if he couldn’t keep much down he needed to try. So Blaine made sure it smelled the best oatmeal could smell (a shake of cinnamon and a tiny bit of brown sugar could do wonders for that) and slipped back into their room.

He was careful as he sat on the edge of the bed. His hand draped softly over Kurt’s shoulder as he leaned over to kiss the man’s cheek. “Hey, I made you breakfast.” A pair of heavily clouded blue eyes opened up and searched out his own.

“‘Morning.” Kurt clung to the bottommost bedsheet. He didn’t want Blaine to see his palms. They were worse today than ever. Both of them. It was definitely a rash - and another symptom on the checklist. Kurt had done his research. 40% of people developed a rash.

“Good morning. How are you feeling?” He massaged Kurt’s arm lightly with his finger tips.

“Awful.” Blaine’s hand moved up to brush his fingers through that silken brown hair. Hair that was damp with sweat. “I love you.” There was a pain in that voice that was hard to identify. It went deeper than a mere sore throat.

“You sound so tired.” Another kiss on his clammy skin. “Do you want me to stay home today?” He wasn’t even going to leave the door open for Kurt to decide to go to class. That was a closed issue.

“No, no. I’ll be ok. I’m probably just going to sleep all day.”

“And try to eat?”

“And try to eat.” Kurt couldn’t help but marvel at how easy it was to act normal. No, right now he actually felt normal. Snuggled in bed with his wonderful perfect Prince Blaine Charming Warbler Anderson, man he was betrothed to, stroking his hair and making all the pain disappear - Kurt was home. He held onto that feeling. It could very well be the last time he felt it in his entire life.

“I’ll fill up a couple water bottles for you too. And I’ll be home by three, hopefully sooner. If you need me to get you anything while I’m out just text ok? When I get back I’ll make some of that soup you like, and don’t you even think about-”

“I’ll be fine mom.” Both of their mouths twisted up into tiny smiles. Blaine brushed his fingers through Kurt’s hair a few more times before leaning over to kiss him. Kurt made sure to turn so Blaine couldn’t reach his lips. “Don’t you dare. I don’t want you getting this too.” Now he was pretending again.

“Mm, but then it’ll be your turn to annoy me. Can’t waste that opportunity.”

“Just wait until I feel better, then I’ll annoy you by...uhm. By singing off key or something.”

“Oh I’d love to hear that. You couldn’t sing off key if your life depended on it.”

“I’ve done it before.”

“Oh really?”

“Uh-huh. Just ask Rachel, Mercedies, Artie, any of them. Er, not Sam. He joined later. But the original New Directions from our first year as a team.”

“Ok, ok, I believe you. Now stop talking. Rest your voice for me ok? So you can do all that bad singing as soon as possible.” He left one last kiss before getting up. Still he hesitated before leaving the room. Kurt let out an audible sigh.

“Don’t you have an important presentation this morning?” Unfortunately, Kurt couldn’t have him staying home. There was something he had to do. It had to be today.

“Unfortunately. And he’s the kind of professor who won’t care about the sick fiancé card. Alright. I love you.”

“I love you too.” Blaine settled the food tray right beside the bed where Kurt could reach it without getting up and turned the lights off before making good on that water promise. Then he was gone. Kurt’s eyes were dipping shut. Sleep was so tempting. Maybe he did fall asleep again. The next thing he remembered was his alarm going off. He’d set it for when Blaine’s class started so he could be sure his love wasn’t about to burst back in.

Kurt slipped out of bed. His eyes glimpsed the rash. It had appeared on his feet as well, and he knew that ‘acne’ Blaine had so lovingly joked about yesterday was more of the same. Thankfully it didn’t cover every inch of his body. He’d seen pictures of people with rashes like that.

Immediately his hands went to work, turning the ring, 2-6, 2-6, 2-6, fixing the bed then fixing it again to be sure everything was straight. His obsessive habits were normally not a bother at all. Moisturizing for just the right amount of time each morning and ensuring his clothes were always perfect was just fine. Normal behaviors even. So was cleaning up. And playing with his ring was just something for his nerves. On the fourth try he was sure the blankets were right and on the twenty-first he was positive pillows were all straight. Focusing on things like organization and counting left less room in his mind to think of how he might have signed Blaine’s death certificate.

Now he had to get the box. It had been hidden inside his suitcase under their bed. A place that was pointless to look in at this point in time. A place he could be sure Blaine wouldn’t find it unless he was really going out of his way to hunt something down. Kurt glared down at the box as he went and settled on the couch. Everything hurt. This really was like having the flu. Though it very possibly could be and the timing was just coincidence. He wasn’t feeling very optimistic today.

He set the box out on the coffee table. “Round two,” he told it. The box didn’t react. Of course it didn’t react. Was he so out of his mind that he expected it to fall over or something? Start talking to him? He didn’t believe in any of that mystical stuff.

Kurt reached out and ripped open the box. His hands were shaking and in his nervous state his fingers weren’t able to grasp the lid or the tape holding it shut. The instructions were straight forward. Put the little jar of liquid right-side up in the tray, open it, then open the package containing the actual test stick. Just don’t touch the swab. Very, very simple.

Deep breathing wasn’t helping Kurt get through this. He knew he needed to just rip the packet open like taking off a bandaid. Just take the test. Then it’d be over. Putting it off wouldn’t change the result. So he did. He tore the packet and pulled the device out. There was a little window where lines would appear. One for no, two for yes.

One breath in, one breath out. Two breaths in, two breaths out. Three breaths. Four.

The loft door shot open. He’d been working his way up to twenty-two, for his next birthday. His entire body jolted at the sound. “Oh! Kurt!” a female voice broke through. “Sorry I’m early, we wrapped up filming last night and my later flight was going to be canceled, I guess the pilot got sick, so I grabbed an earlier one since I figured you guys would be in school anyway and I could just drop my stuff off and surprise you with dinner or something since you’re going out of your way to host us for-why do you have a pregnancy test?” Kurt let out a deep sigh as his body melted back into the cushions.

“It’s not a pregnancy test Rachel.” His voice betrayed his fear. It was a miracle that he’d been able to get a full sentence out. Rachel swooped around to sit beside him before she looked at what it really was.

“Kurt. That does not say what I think it says. Tell me that doesn’t say what I think it says. Please!”

“Its an at-home HIV test.” Two full sentences. How was he managing this? Not to even mention that he’d just said HIV out loud. He’d just acknowledged what was really in his hand. Maybe he just needed to sit out like this until Blaine came home. That’d force him to talk about it. Though that was probably the worst way for Blaine to find out. He could just imagine.

_‘Hey honey I’m home! Why do you have an HIV test?’_

_‘Uh, surprise! I might have HIV and you might have it too!’_

_‘Kurt, you got some ‘splaining to do!’_

Worst _I Love Lucy_ sketch ever. And of course it’d be between the gay characters.

“Why do you have that? And what happened to your hands. Oh my god Kurt. I have to be hallucinating. I’m going to go out and come back in and this won’t be real, ok?” She even started to stand up.

“Rachel sit down!” he demanded. His shouting froze Rachel in place. There was an anger there. She wasn’t entirely surprised by the tone - it had been directed at her a few times before - but today it grounded them. It made this moment real. Kurt was terrified and doing what he always seemed to do when he was confronted with his fears in a way that wouldn’t allow for escape. He was lashing out. His lip started to quiver. “Don’t you think I’m freaked out too?” The silence blanketed them. Rachel lifted her hand to rub his shoulder until she was able to speak again.

“I’ve never seen you this pale. Not even in the hospital.” No, even with his skull half bashed in and an eye so swollen he could barely open it he had still been rosy cheeked. His skin had seemed exceptionally light with the dark purple patches on it but that didn’t compare to this.

“I’ve never been this scared before.”

“Not even in high school?”

“I think this is worse. What happened back then was just about me, no one else. Rachel if this turns up positive then that means I’ve. I may have. I.” He paused to take a breath before he started blubbering. “It means I’ve probably given it to Blaine too.” Her arm draped itself around his shoulders.

“You said if, right? So it could still be negative.”

“Yeah but the guy who may have given it to the guy who may have given it to me is positive.” Rachel couldn’t wipe the disbelief off her face. She didn’t say it. She didn’t have to. His voice rose again. Thomas was a stranger, Kurt could forgive his assumptions. Rachel was his best friend. “I didn’t cheat on Blaine!” If she couldn’t believe him, did he dare even hope Blaine would?

“I never said you did Kurt!”

“You were thinking it though. I know you were.”

“Well, you don’t strike me as the type to be shooting up drugs, so how else do you get AIDS?”

“HIV,” he snapped. Kurt took in a deep breath. One step at a time. He couldn’t think of it as the disease that would become AIDS right now. “I need to do this. Before I freak myself out again.” Rachel nodded and leaned away from him. She watched as Kurt went through the motions explained in the booklet, first swiping the top gums, then the bottom, then sticking it into the little vial. He poked the start button on his phone’s timer in sync with the motion. Then he froze again, just staring at the little window.

“How long’s the wait?”

“Twenty minutes.”

“Alright, come with me.” Rachel was careful to grab him by the inner elbow. Whatever had caused those spots on his hands - HIV or anything else - she didn’t want it.

“What are you doing.”

“Making you do something besides panic over this test. Have you had breakfast yet?”

“Blaine made me something. I think its in our room.” Rachel peered past the curtain at the bowls on the tray on the floor. “I’m not hungry though. Every time I try to eat I start feeling sick.” Rachel let out an exasperated sigh.

“Ok, fine.” She sat him down at the kitchen table. “Then just sit here. But don’t go back and look at that test until the timer is up. Understand?” Kurt clearly wasn’t listening. He was already glancing back towards the set up. “Kurt! Look at me. Tell me what happened.” Slowly her friend turned back to her. This was not how she expected things to go when they saw each other for the first time in six months. “Why do you think you have HIV?”

“I was assaulted.” There was another thing he hadn’t been able to say out loud. His heart was pounding in his ears. It was almost the only thing he could hear now. “Three months ago. First day of classes.”

“Assaulted? You mean. R-Ra…” Even Rachel started trembling at that word.

“No. Not really. Not technically?”

“Well which is it? There is no ‘sort of’ when it comes to that sort of thing Kurt. What happened to you?” Kurt looked down to his phone and watched the seconds tick up-up-up. Too slowly. When he didn’t speak Rachel let out a sigh and shifted the topic. “Have you talked to anyone about this yet?” She watched his head shake. “Not even Blaine?”

“I couldn’t. I don’t know why I’m telling _you_...saying it out loud makes it so real.”

“And that test over there doesn’t?” Four minutes had passed now. Sixteen to go.

“He was the TA in our stage fighting class.”

“Didn’t you take that last year?”

“This is the second level. The first one was with weapons, this one is more hands on things. Boxing, wrestling. That sort of thing.”

“Ah. Ok. TA for the class.”

“I think he tried to get revenge on his ex by going after me.”

“His ex. Are you friends or something?”

“We are now but we’d never spoken before a couple weeks ago. We’re kind of alike. We have really similar fashion tastes and he’s about my height and our hair is almost the same color, I swear. And he cheated on Austin. Austin’s the TA. The ex is Thomas. Austin got it in his head that I must be ‘the cheating type’ or something because that day and every day after he…” Rachel rested her hand lightly over his arm to try and offer comfort. “He called me a tease, he said I was asking for it. Up until the day he left he kept trying to get me to get in bed with him. I didn’t let him get me alone again though. I’m not stupid.” He felt stupid for having let it happen to begin with. But it certainly wasn’t going to happen twice. He was never going to let that happen to himself again. “I think he really wanted Thomas back and he thought I could be a viable substitute. Because he just decided I must be easy to get in bed. I don’t know. I don’t want to know. I want this to just all go away.” Rachel was, at least, taking him seriously. A grown man having anyone force themselves upon him was strange. It just didn’t seem to happen. Then again he was Kurt Hummel - strange things just seemed to exist around him like it was no big deal. “But it could be a part of me for the rest of my life, my short life, and Blaine’s life. Blaine’s beautiful life.”

“Kurt, I am so sorry.” Rachel shifted her chair closer and let that hand massage his shoulderblades. “He sounds like the sleaziest man alive. Austin, not Thomas.”

“You’re telling me.” He pushed his phone away, then pulled it back. Ten minutes down. Halfway there.

“Tell me more about Thomas.” Her voice was small, careful, gentle. Her fingers held onto the fabric of his pajama shirt and grounded him in his chair.

“He’s bi. Austin hates that apparently. They fought about it all the time. I guess at some point Thomas decided he’d sleep with a girl just to show Austin. Turns out he picked the wrong girl. He got his results a couple of days ago and he’s definitely positive. And he’d been with Austin after the fact. Which means Austin could have it but there is _no way_ I am going to go find Austin now to find out.”

“No one expects you to. We’ll take care of this. I’m here for you.” He glanced over. The dammed up tears remained at the edges of his eyes.

“Rachel. I’m terrified.” His hands were clearly shaking.

“I know. Uhm. Here, why don’t I look up some facts that might make you feel better. I’m sure there’s something out there. I mean, medicine has come a long way. I think I saw a news piece a while back about a baby who was cured. They started treating from birth or something. That means they might be close to a cure for everyone else.”

“I’ll probably be dead long before that happens.”

“Kurt! Don’t talk like that.” He tried to send her a glare. “Remember that rule we had when I was scared about my premiere? Positivity. We’re going to surround ourselves with positive things.”

“Like an HIV positive test.”

“No! Like, uhm. Oh this fact. The average latent period has always been several years, right? But with the medicine now a days its even longer.”

“Great. Maybe I’ll have twenty years instead of ten. Good to know.”

“Kurt!”

“I’m sorry Rachel but the thought of being dead is kind of upsetting.” Rachel let out a sigh and scanned through the search engines on her phone with more fervor.

“Ok, what about this one. A guy is less likely to uhm, get it, from, uhm, well, you know, than they are to give it.”

“I know what?”

“You know. The ah, the way two guys do it? The one that does the giving is less likely to get HIV.” Kurt’s jaw dropped as he tried to process what she was implying. “That means Blaine has a better shot of not having it?”

“Rachel. First of all, wow no that’s not the only thing we do. Wow. Second of all, we’re very versatile. I’m top just as much as he is. So that point is completely void and I think I should be insulted now.” Now it was Rachel’s turn to process his words before averting her eyes in an attempt to block out the images that had just threatened to enter her mind.

At fifteen minutes Kurt started pacing, twisting his ring the whole time.

Sixteen minutes.

Seventeen.

Eighteen.

A great deal of time had passed when Rachel finally spoke up again. “Here’s a nifty site. It has all the basic ways to get it and the breakdown of the odds of getting it depending on your method. More than just that uhm, that last one.” She leaned in, completely engrossed in what she was reading. “Ok that’s boy to girl, that doesn’t apply, you said that was void...The average odds of getting HIV from one encounter is one in a _thousand_. Kurt, that’s less than 1%. Way less than-”

“Its 100%.”

“Kurt I know I wasn’t the best in math but-”

“The test Rachel!” Her head snapped up and she looked around, finding that he’d gone over to check without her. “It’s positive.” The kitchen light reflected off the tears already breaking down his face. “It’s positive. Rachel it’s-” Rachel ran to his side.

“Ok, ok Kurt calm down, it’s ok.”

“It’s not ok Rachel!” he screamed as he waved the test around. “I have HIV!” His voice cracked under the strain. He tried to stand but his legs were having none of that. Despite her best efforts Kurt collapsed to the floor. He didn’t even make an effort to get back up. He just wanted to lay there and let his fever dissolve him into the floor. All Rachel could do was watch as his whole body shook from his silent sobs. “I probably gave it to Blaine months ago!”

“There’s a good chance you didn’t. The odds really are in his favor.”

“They were in mine too and just look at it!” Her eyes turned over to the test. She picked it up from where he’d dropped it and held it close. Two lines for yes. There were two lines right there. Just like when she’d used that pregnancy test. The one that had been wrong.

“I am, and you know what? This isn’t the first time I’ve seen a scary test turn up falsely positive.” Rachel kept a careful eye on Kurt, waiting until he’d fully pushed himself up to look her in the eyes. “I never told you but after Mr. Shue’s first attempt at getting married I thought I might be, well, I thought I was pregnant. So I took a test. And it was positive.”

“But you weren’t?”

“Right. Santana and I went to a clinic and it turned out it had been a false positive.”

“Santana.”

“When she was snooping she went through the trash too. I was going to tell you because obviously that’s a big deal but then it turned out it was a false alarm so I just let it go and forgot about it.” Rachel made sure to use the word ‘false’ as much as possible for his sake.

“See, Rachel, there’s something different between babies and HIV. If something was wrong with the baby your body could have rejected it and-”

“Kurt!”

“It’s true! I wasn’t supposed to be an only child but my mom was never able to carry another baby for long enough. Things happen, it’s not your fault...Rachel please don’t cry I didn’t mean-”

“Can we please just drop that.” She rubbed her fingers under her eyes to brush away the tears. “I get it ok? I know that could have happened. But in retrospect it really, really sucks to think about it like that. That could have been Finn’s baby!” Kurt cringed and looked down. She was right. He wanted to talk to her about that but really it wasn’t something he could do anything about now. Whole years had passed since then. Besides, there was a pressing matter at hand that needed dealt with. His eyes skimmed over the test and he tried to clear his throat.

“My point was that HIV won’t go away. There is nothing that will reverse it or make it stop.” He reached up to wipe some of his own tears away only to catch a glimpse of his palm and stop himself. “I have all the symptoms. I feel like I have the flu, I have a rash, and this all started because I swallowed someone’s blood.” Rachel focused on him but she didn’t question his assault again.

“What does the book say you should do now?” His movements were slow but he got there. Kurt flipped to the correct page of the booklet and skimmed the words.

“It has a number for a hotline. Uhm. ‘A clinic or healthcare professional must confirm your test result.’ So I guess now I go to the hospital.”

“Do you want to go back to the one you were at before?”

“They do have my health records and that’s where we found our current doctor. That would save us a lot of time.” Rachel was already looking for their number. “See if they have a number specifically for their clinic.”

“You go get dressed. In comfortable clothes. I don’t care if it’s not fashionable. Just make it quick.”

“Fashion is the last thing on my mind right now.” They both knew he was still going to put something worthwhile together. He’d even been fussy over what Blaine had brought him to wear when he’d been released despite having a hard time even getting himself dressed. Then there was the whole trouble with picking the right pair of sunglasses at the gift shop. He’d tried to look out the window without them but the instant splitting headache meant he needed a pair until his head had healed some.

Kurt tried to grab the first things his eyes laid on. But then he realized color coding for health would be more beneficial. It had helped his dad after all. Ok, it probably didn’t help his dad in the slightest. All that ‘lucky socks’ stuff was crap. But it certainly couldn’t hurt to wear the right clothes. Colors for good health. Blue mostly. Dark blue jeans, a nice blue button up, a white tie, a vest. He had to have his layers and they had to look good together. Even when he was shaking and exhausted he had to look good.

He avoided his favorite black boots. Black was the color of death. They would be gathering dust for the rest of their existence because of their cursed color. He grabbed his white ones instead.

“Are you done yet Kurt?” Rachel didn’t even wait to hear a reply before walking in. It wouldn’t be the first time she’d stumbled in on something anyway. In a home where the walls were made of curtains all sorts of things happened all the time. “What did I tell you about fashion.”

“What? This is basic.”

“Don’t you own any t-shirts or something?”

“Not really?”

“Why. No nevermind that. You look nice. Let’s go. We have to be there in an hour and I don’t know how traffic is going to be.” She started to offer her hand out to him but once again retracted at the sight of his rash.

“Where did my white gloves go…”

“You mean the ones hanging out of your white coat over there?”

“Thank you Rachel.” She watched as he started to wobble but did manage to catch himself on the wall. “Can you throw away the kit? Make sure it’s buried. I don’t want Blaine to find out about it like that.”

“Do we keep the test?”

“We should probably bring it I guess.” Rachel was on that immediately. She dropped the test into a baggy and left it on the table so she could shove everything else down underneath a pile of very gross and what appeared to be very uneaten food. She stopped from her efforts at the sight of Kurt stumbling through the sitting area like he was drunk.

“Sit down I’ll be right over there.” He didn’t need to be told twice. Rachel hurried to wash up her hands.

“I don’t think I can get back up.”

“Well you have to. We’re going to get you tested and prove you’re perfectly healthy and that test is a liar. Come on.” Kurt’s eyes dropped shut. “Stop that. You can nap in the taxi. I’ll carry you if I have to. It won’t be pretty but don’t think I won’t do it.” She could hear a bit of dry laughter slip out of the man. “One, two, three.” On three she gave him a pull and she really could feel him put effort into standing. His arm locked itself around her waist and hers around his shoulders. “Alright, now focus on staying awake. Have you figured out where everyone is going to be sleeping when they all get back? I mean there’s Artie’s dorm but I don’t think that’s very hospitable.”

“Mercedies got a hotel room and I’m pretty sure Sam is staying with her. That just leaves Brittany really. Unless Santana and Tina are coming. We did invite them but we haven’t heard anything. Did you hear from Quinn?”

“Not a word. She and Puck seem to have vanished off the face of the earth entirely. At least they seem happy together. That’s really what counts. That everyone’s happy.”

“Yeah.” Rachel felt his head tilt to slouch against her a bit.

“You are too tall for that.” She was careful with him though as she pushed the door shut. Now that the adrenaline had dissipated it was only natural that his exhaustion was settling back in. Especially if he hadn’t been eating to keep up his energy. She resolved to remedy that. There had to be something she’d be able to coax him into eating.

Kurt kept a tight grip on Rachel as he focused his thoughts on Blaine. If his fiancé didn’t have this disease yet then he had to do everything in his power to keep Blaine from getting it. That had to be his focus. Well, that and eventually telling him what happened.

His phone rang on his bed with a missed call from Thomas.


	10. Blood Makes Noise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 10: Blood Makes Noise, by Suzanne Vega  
> Singers: Kurt and Rachel  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v6qvIhygLTs

The nurse was quick to run him through the basics - height, weight, temperature - before leaving Kurt with one of those cheap paper gowns in case he wanted to cover up and telling him to take off as much as he felt he could. Kurt waited until the door clicked shut to even move. “I think she meant that you’re supposed to take off something,” Rachel said quietly. They’d agreed he needed her there. In case he looked like he was about to hurl on his rather expensive boots. She could be very quick with the trashcan when need be. Definitely far faster than he was in his current state.

“Rachel?”

“Yeah?”

“Can you turn around?”

“What, don’t want me to see your chest? I’ve seen it a hundred thousand times already.”

“Please?” Rachel crossed her arms defiantly.

“Is that rash all over you or something?”

“That’s part of it.” Kurt couldn’t explain why he was so shy. He hadn’t taken his shirt off anywhere but inside his own loft since August. Only Blaine had seen his torso. He didn’t like this feeling of being exposed in public. All of the confidence he’d built up over the last year was gone. His new buff body had gotten him into arguably the worst trouble of his life. He didn’t want any repeats. Not that Rachel would cause trouble for him. This hospital was a public place though.

“Ok, fine, whatever!” She didn’t understand it but she turned around for him anyway. He pried each button apart one by one and folded each layer neatly onto the chair. Since he hadn’t been instructed to strip completely he left his pants be. Of course he did tug on the gown thing. Just to cover up. It made him feel safe.

“Ok,” he whispered as he settled himself down again. His head was reeling. Rachel took a seat next to him and let her hand hover over his arm for a moment. She didn’t want to risk it. Her hand glided down to settle very lightly over his knee. Of course she was going to try to comfort him but there was no way she was going to risk her health. Her eyes fixated on the red spots she could see through the back. “Does it look bad?”

“No, no, it just looks like, uhm. Like-”

“Acne? Blaine thinks it’s a break out.”

“I was going to say rubies but acne is probably a much better cover.” Actually the only words that had come to mind to describe the sight were ‘bloodstained snow.’ Rachel didn’t tell him that though. He fell silent for a moment. Just when she thought he might start crying again he spoke.

“Have I mentioned I hate needles?” Kurt whispered as he shifted his body again in the chair. His legs bounced and his hands wrung together without pause. He never once let go of his ring. This appointment wasn't just a 'just tell me its the flu and give me my get out of work free pass' visit after all.

"Kurt maybe you should lay down."

"I can't."

"You need to rest." He started to lean towards his best friend again but she leaned away. She couldn't help it. Despite her love for him those spots was just disgusting. Rachel couldn’t let them touch her.

“Don’t, please, Rachel.” There wasn’t any strength in his words. It was a quiet, desperate request. “I want to stay here. Like this. Ok?” Her fingertips brushed back and forth over the spot they had settled on. What he needed was Blaine.

“I feel so guilty right now.”

“ _You_ feel guilty?”

“Kurt, Blaine should be here with you. Right now. You should be supporting each other. That’s what husbands do.”

“We’re not married yet.”

“But you still plan on it, don’t you?”

“There’s a reason we’re waiting. We’re not ready, we’re too young. Engagement is one thing. Marriage - that’s huge. I may be ready for the commitment, the partnership, whatever, but...Rachel I know I have a problem. I realize it, ok? I don’t want to take this part of me into our marriage.” This holding back and not talking when it mattered. The most destructive parts of their relationship had always revolved around that one problem.

“So fix it. Call him, ask him to come here, we can set up his appointment too. Please Kurt. You need to do this together.” The man shook his head. “How does it go? For good and for bad, in sickness and in health, til death do us part?” Kurt’s hand brushed over the pocket his phone normally resided in. Clearly its form wasn’t there so Rachel crossed the room to his coat. If he was even thinking about it she was going to do everything in her power to encourage it. “Kurt, where’s your phone?”

“Uhm...I left it on my bed. Or the table? Its in the loft. I know I left it there.” Rachel let out a sigh and held her’s out to him. “I’m not going to call him.”

As she opened her mouth to argue the doctor came in. “Hello Mr. Hummel?” she said, extending her hand. He held his own up to show his palms to her. “I see. Have a seat on the table.” The doctor looked towards Rachel for a moment. “Are you getting tested today too?”

“Huh? Oh no! I’m just his friend. I mean. He’s got a boyfriend?” The lady laughed a little and motioned to the seat against the wall.

“I’m Doctor York.” She went over and immediately got to work examining his shoulders and his palms. “You’re here to have some blood drawn for an HIV test today?”

"Yes, just me," Kurt said.

"You'll have to forgive me, but I'm required to ask. The hospital keeps documents so we can try to know what’s going on in the city, as best as we’re able, so we can be prepared for all our patients. Why do you believe you need this procedure?" Kurt took a deep breath. His hands gripped onto the cushioned table as though that could give him the strength he needed.

"I was." Another deep breath. His hands loosened and he started turning his ring. It was his only comfort now. His eyes pressed shut as the words returned to his head, demanding he admit his guilt. Because it was all his fault. He was strong, healthy, shirtless, and he had been a bit provocative that day in class. Blaine had been behind him the whole time. Of course he’d been showing off.

"Take your time. It's alright." _Tease_ \- the memory echoed. _You know you want it._ No, his body had been for Blaine, and that response that day was an accident. It wasn’t his fault. He hadn’t wanted it.

Why had the word ‘assault’ slipped so easily to Rachel? He’d already used the word. It should be easier. Yet it held more weight here with the doctor. She was a symbol of authority. What if she told him it wasn’t really assault? It was just a kiss. Yes it had been forced on him and some unwanted touching had been involved and he suspected Austin had wanted to actually rape him but what if that didn’t really count? Rape and assault always involved more than this. Not to mention a lot more physical damage. He’d had tiny scrape on his cheek and an odd bruise that lasted only a few days on one of his wrists. It hadn’t even been dark enough for Blaine to notice it.

"Three months ago I was kissed by a man I don’t know,” he finally stated. It wasn’t a commitment to the word. Rachel sat up taller and leaned in towards him. She didn’t understand why he’d done that. “And I bit the guy and I wound up swallowing his blood. A pretty good amount of it. And this morning I.” He had to pause to take a deep breath to stave off the tears as the sound of his heart raced in his ears. “I did that take home test, Oraquick. It was positive." Kurt leaned away. Doctor York had been paying particular attention to his mouth and given what had happened with Austin he found that unnerving.

“Say ‘aah’ for me.” The doctor leaned in when he obeyed, making a note on her clipboard. “How long have you had this rash?”

“I noticed it a few days ago.”

“What about weeks ago? Did you notice anything out of the ordinary?”

“Uhm. I don’t know.”

“No unexplained sores anywhere?” Kurt’s brows knitted together. He was trying desperately to remember anything like that. Clearly it was important or else she wouldn’t bring it up. He couldn’t think of anything and he couldn’t remember Blaine asking about anything odd on his body outside of the rash.

“I don’t remember any. Why?”

“Your symptoms are fairly common for a lot of things. Including, yes, acute retroviral syndrome, which is the primary stage of an HIV infection, among others. Like syphilis. I don’t intend to scare you but lately syphilis and HIV infections have been more and more likely to show up together when people get tested. I’m going to recommend they test for that as well, just to be safe.” Kurt felt his head start swimming. Two diseases for the price of one. Just great. "The good news is syphilis is completely curable. Two weeks of antibiotics and most cases are completely cured."

"If only HIV were like that."

"Hopefully it will be. Someday. For now we work with what we have and hope for a cure." The doctor made some notes on her paper. “Have you had any other symptoms? Any unusual discharges or pain while going to the bathroom?”

“No.”

“How many sexual partners have you had?”

“One. I’ve only ever been with my long-term partner.” Kurt subconsciously lifted his ring to the light for a very brief moment. “This guy who kissed me, he just kissed me. That’s it. I didn’t want him to and he didn’t have the chance to get further than that.” Dr. York’s pen hovered as she processed what he’d just told her.

Then she pulled up the chair from the desk and sat, with her legs crossed at the ankles. “I’m glad you came in for a follow-up test, not everyone does. But there are some very important things we need to discuss about your future.”

“Now?” Kurt’s voice was tiny and weak. He couldn’t find the strength to speak louder.

“I want to give you time to think over your options. If the blood test comes back negative you won’t have to worry about this at all, but if you are positive then we’ll need to make decisions on your treatment plan immediately. Have you been sexually active with your partner since this happened?”

“Yes. I’m going to tell him, so he can get tested too. I just haven’t figured out how to yet.”

“That’s good, very good. Make sure you do that. But even if he is positive you’ll still have to be safe in the future. Either of you could build up drug resistance and spread that drug resistance to each other. That doesn’t mean you have to swear off sex entirely of course. I’m sure I don’t have to teach you about condoms right?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s also another option we have to talk about, in addition to, not in place of, understand?” Kurt nodded slowly. “ART is commonly recommended to HIV positive patients once their CD4 drops below 500...You look lost already.”

“What’s CD4?” ARV was easy enough to figure out. That was the code for a drug, most likely, and given the context Kurt was able to guess at its purpose even though he was only familiar with AZT.* That he’d learned from RENT and that musical had come out over a decade ago. He’d never heard CD4 before though.

“Its how we measure your immune system, you may have heard of it as the t-cell count. They’re slightly different but for our purposes they’re generally interchangable. A healthy individual will be between 500 and 1,500 but someone with a compromised immune system will be below 500. Recently there’s been studies about using ART as a preventative measure. The sooner a patient starts their drug regimen the lower their HIV levels will be and the less likely they will be to spread the disease. People have also been doing something called ‘TASP’ for the last few years, which is basically treatment as prevention.”

“I can start it now?”

“No, now I want you to wait until we get the results of the blood test back. But I do want you to be aware of this option. I only recommend it to people in monogamous relationships where the partner might be at-risk because the possibility of building resistance is worrisome. I want you to live the longest possible life and if you build up resistance early that could compromise your health.”

“We are, we are I promise we are.” Rachel crossed over to stand near him. The man was shaking. He didn’t want to die but even more than that he didn’t want Blaine to die because of him.

“Ok, I believe you, I’ll set you up with all the information you need so you can think about it.” The doctor stood up and looked square into his eyes. “Mr. Hummel, once you start taking these drugs you can never stop. Even if your treatment is to take these pills once a day you’ll be taking them for the rest of your life. In some cases there are persistent side effects that will never leave you. It can be a challenge to change your medication in a way that keeps you from being at risk. This is going to be a big decision. Ok?”

“Yeah, I know.” He’d already made up his mind. The day they handed him his positive results he was going to demand ART. For Blaine.

“Alright.” She passed the paper over to him. “I'll get go get someone to take you to get your blood drawn. Hold onto that, give it to the nurses down there." Kurt nodded slowly. He didn't make any moves though. The doctor gave him a pat on the arm. “You’re going to be ok. It could have been a lot worse than this. We have a great team here that can take care of you, including counselling services.” Then she was gone.

Kurt sat in complete silence while Rachel gathered their things. It could have been worse. How did it get worse? Well, clearly there were ways. He could have been raped, beaten, or killed. Which was just dandy because now he was a whiner on top of everything else. Tears threatened his eyes once again.

"Are you ok?" Rachel whispered as she helped him get his layers back on.

"Ok? No. I'm not ok. AIDS _and_ Syphilis! Rachel!"

"Maybe it'll never become AIDS. The medicine has to have improved from that cocktail they taught us about in school. Google said it's just one pill a day now, and with much lower chances of the body resisting the drugs.* And people who've been taking the medicines they've had for the last twenty years are still going strong without developing AIDS. You stand a really good shot at living a full, healthy life Kurt. So does Blaine."

“That’s all so easy for you to talk about. You don’t have ‘the gay disease.’ It’s not just having HIV that’s the problem here, you know that right?”

“The biggest problem is how you got it. And that you haven’t told anyone. Why didn’t you tell the doctor it was assault?”

“It’s not that easy! What if it isn’t really assault? I mean, he just kissed me and…”

“And what? Kurt what did he do to you?”

“He didn’t rape me.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m positive about that. No one’s pants came off.”

“Zippers-”

“No.”

“Suppressed memory?”

“No. I remember everything. It wasn’t rape. I’m not even sure if it counts as assault anymore.”

“He kissed you against your will. That counts.” Kurt placed his hands on the wall to ground himself. Rachel ducked around to start buttoning his shirt up for him. “You don’t get it. You can’t get it. Some guy who literally didn’t like the way I looked decided it was a wonderful idea to try to harass me until I had sex with him. I let him get too close and now that could be killing me. I could be killing Blaine. This is all my fault.”

“No it-”

“You say that it isn’t, but it still feels like it is. I should have done something. I knew he wasn’t acting right, I should have run, or yelled louder, I should have never let him get close to me, anything. I was an idiot. And worse.” His fingers fumbled to get his vest on. He didn’t even mess with the other pieces.

“What happened Kurt.”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

“You’re going to have to eventually.”

“No, I’m not. I’ll figure out something but Rachel I can’t say this. Not out loud. I can’t even think about it. Its too shameful, too awful.”

“Ok, ok.” She wrapped her arms around his torso now that he was covered up. Rachel didn’t believe he was telling the truth about not being raped. Especially after how he’d acted in the loft and what he was saying now. It was extra confusing since he considered certain forms of not-quite-sex, in her mind, to be sex and yet he had still said he hadn’t been raped. Not technically at least. Maybe he was like that one president. It only counted when it was ok for it to count that way. She didn’t voice her thoughts though. It was better that she stay silent and let him come to terms with it as he was able.

His head was hanging so low he looked as though he might tumble over. Rachel pressed her fingers on both sides of it to nudge his eyes up where they could meet her own. “Blaine will understand, Kurt. He’s not going to be mad at you. This isn’t your fault.”

“I’ve tried! I can’t.”

“Blaine, I was assaulted and he may have given me HIV.” Kurt shoved her hands away. “He’ll understand Kurt. You have to tell him.”

“I can’t.”

“Then let me tell him. I’ll take him out, tell him I need help finding your Christmas present or something, and sit him down and explain to him that you just can’t say it out loud yet and-”

“No! Rachel. Fine. I’ll talk to him. I will. But can it wait just one more week?”

“Kurt!”

“I don’t want to ruin his reunion. He deserves this.”

“Kurt you need to-”

“Please Rachel, let me wait. It’ll be better, when we’re alone. That way everyone else won’t find out on accident. I’m really not ready for everyone else to know. You know how snoopy Santana is. If she comes she’ll find some way to overhear, you know she will, and she’ll tell everyone and this whole reunion will be ruined because of me. I can’t do it.”

“It’s not your fault.” Her voice sounded tired. She didn’t understand why she had to keep repeating those four words over and over. Wasn’t it obvious? “I’m here for you Kurt. Whatever you need. I’m here for you. I love you, you’re my best friend, and sometimes you may have been my only friend, and I will be here for you. No matter what happens.” The tiniest of smiles tugged on his lips as she engulfed him in a hug.

“I love you too Rachel,” he murmured back.

“I don’t suppose you want to get some cheesecake on the way home? I remember this nice place, just up the street actually. I stopped by there a couple of times when you hurt last year.”

“Was that where you got the triple berry cheesecake?”

“Yes.”

“Why did we never go there before.”

“I kind of forgot about it after you were out. I don’t really like cheesecake that much so I don’t think about it. Sorry.” He squeezed her a little tighter. That was Rachel just being Rachel. She’d tried to think of someone else. That was all anyone could ask for.

When the nurse took them down to the bloodletting station, Rachel continued this streak of amazing friendship-ness by holding his (gloved) hand while the nurse drew the blood that would tell his true fate once and for all. Kurt only wished the needle was the worst of his problems. For the first time in his life he barely felt the pinch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Notes on the medical talk: AZT is a drug, ARV/ART are the codes for the treatment regimen but Kurt doesn't know that. Rachel’s google-found information is only sort of accurate if not perhaps misinterpreted. Drugs can be taken once a day but most sources I found said there are still usually three drugs taken at any given time not including drugs used to counteract side-effects._


	11. I Heard it Through the Grapevine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 11: I Heard it Through the Grapevine, by Marvin Gaye  
> Singer: Blaine  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hajBdDM2qdg&feature=kp

Something was wrong at NYADA. Blaine wasn’t so oblivious that he couldn’t see the look in their eyes today. He could hear it in the silence that filled the air as he walked the halls alone. Had they been doing this for a while and he just hadn’t noticed? When he had something else to focus on, like Kurt, it was easy to let other things pass by.

His presentation went very well. It seemed he had a natural talent for speaking to crowds in more than just the acting sense. For a moment his classmates had acted normal. But as soon as class let out they were back to staring at him with those looks in their eyes. There was some gossip out there about him, he just knew it, but the problem was he had to find someone who would tell him honestly what was going on.

As Blaine passed by a group to get himself some lunch, he heard the words “HIV outbreak.” That was still going on? Well, two students and a TA being diagnosed with it in a few short months was kind of weird but the rumors also explained that they’d gotten it from each other. He wouldn’t believe them except for the fact that it seemed Thomas really had been with Riley. At least it was a contained sort of thing. Sad, but contained. Blaine caught sight of Thomas and walked over to check on him. Kurt seemed to trust this guy. Maybe he could get his answers here. “Hey, how are you holding up?”

“I’m fine I guess. I kind of wish people would stop asking though. No offense. But there’s nothing I can do about it so I’d kind of like to forget for as much of the time as I can. Do you want an awareness bracelet by chance?” Blaine smiled and shook his head. “You sure? Don’t worry about the rumors. They’ll talk about everyone they can no matter what you’re wearing on your wrist. Its just a support thing anyway.”

“I’m not really into bracelets.”

“Ah. Well, I’ll just have to save this for the next poor sap that comes along. Where’s Kurt?”

“He’s sick. He’s got a pretty bad fever.”

“That’s too bad. I hope he feels better soon.” Thomas glanced Blaine over, clearly searching for signs of something. It gave Blaine chills. “Do you know what he has?”

“Probably just the flu. It is the season.” That was definitely a sigh whistling its way out of the man. “Is something wrong?”

“Nah. Send him well wishes from me, yeah? I mean, I texted him earlier but he hasn’t responded. It makes sense if he’s sleeping but I just want him to know, you know? And uh, thanks.”

“You want me to tell him thanks?”

“No, I’m thanking you. For understanding. He’s a nice guy but I swear I’m not attracted to him like that.”

“Ok?” Thomas sat up a bit straighter.

“You haven’t heard? Since he’s been hanging out with me people are trying to say I’ve been sleeping with him. Not true, I can assure you. We’re just friends.”

“So that’s why people are staring at me.”

“Part of it.”

“Just part?”

“Well, apart from my wonderful reputation, everyone knows what I have now, so I imagine if they think Kurt’s been cheating, then they also think that he got it and gave it to you. Pretty silly huh?” Blaine laughed - loudly - at the idea of Kurt sleeping with someone else. Kurt was not that kind of guy. Blaine was only ‘that kind of guy’ once because of his insecurities and fears. If things ever became bad again they knew they could talk to each other. They had set those rules out firmly when they’d moved in together the first time. Talk, not bottle. No matter how painful. They would be there for each other. It was a work-in-progress plan but they were doing better with each passing day.

“Oh yeah. Alright, I need to go grab some lunch. See you around.” Thomas raised his hand in a goodbye gesture.

Now at least Blaine could keep a smile on his face. NYADA was very much like high school. There had been a joke way back at his first school that drama club was where all the drama queens hung out. Around here that seemed to be true.

“Blaine!” He tried not to freeze up. Felicia was just the person to take his smile away. His patience was running thin with her. But he swore he’d wait out this semester, let her go home and have her winter vacation, and then crush her crush, as much as a puppy man could, if she still wasn’t over it when they reconvened for spring semester. “Getting lunch? I recommend the wraps today. I’m not sure what it is but they taste really good.”

“Is that code for ‘everything else is awful’ by chance?”

“Could be. Could also be code for ‘you’re going to want to get something to go because I have something to show you and you really don’t want to be in a crowded room when I do’.”

“Oh yeah? What kind of something would make me feel like that?” She had to be aware of the effort he put in to never being alone anywhere with her. He always found some way to make sure someone else was around.

“Something you really need to know about someone close to you. It’s kind of bad.”

“If it’s the whole Kurt and Thomas rumor I already heard. Pretty silly isn’t it?”

“Well…”

“Felicia, I know you don’t like Kurt but he’s not a cheater. I love him and I trust him. I know he wouldn’t do that.” Blaine made sure to push the sincerity in his voice. It wasn’t hard. Kurt was his passion.

“Just trust me, you really want to see this, ok? Its probably where the rumors are coming from and you want to hear it from someone who cares about you.” Blaine wanted to say no but a glance around the room had him singing a different tune. It was eerily quiet as everyone kept peeking at him. The scene almost looked like a zombie hoard was sizing him up to see what parts would be most suitable for dinner. If she was telling the truth then this was definitely something he needed to know. So Blaine did what Felicia asked and picked up a wrap. “Ok, this way then.” She led him to a little study lounge down the hall that almost never saw use - most likely because of it’s miniscule size. If Blaine was to venture a guess he’d say it was most often used as a cubby hole for a couple of kids who wanted to use up their extra energies.

“Felicia I’m not really comfortable with this.”

“Why?” She settled herself down and pulled out her phone.

“Well you haven’t exactly been subtle, you do realize that right? I have a fiancé and I really don’t appreciate it when people who know that make advances on me.” Apparently he was going to have the talk with her now. She had brought him to what was clearly a kissing corner. This couldn’t be helped.

“I’m sorry. I can’t help it that you’re the most attractive guy I’ve ever seen. And that I know you could do so much better for yourself.”

“Felicia.” His tone was hard. Blaine took a deep breath and prepared himself to set her straight. No one said things like that about Kurt. They didn’t know his history and Felicia especially didn’t know the first thing about him. Blaine really didn’t blame his love for not putting on his nicest face around someone who was essentially a stalker. Virtually harmless, sure, but a stalker all the same. Just when he wound up and opened his mouth to start monologuing the girl turned her phone to him.

“I was going to wait until you’d eaten because you probably won’t want to eat after but I found out the real reason that TA quit. And it wasn’t anything to do with his ex. Well not directly but honestly I wouldn’t be surprised if the rumors about him and your so-called fiancé were true after seeing something like this.” Blaine took the phone from her and held it steady. That was definitely Austin. With his fingers locked between those on a set of porcelain hands and his torso pressed up against a very bare porcelain chest. “There’s three pictures. I’m going to guess that’s all the person got before they caught them.” Her finger pulled around to poke the ‘next’ button for him.

“What is this.”

“Pictures of Kurt cheating on you.” Blaine’s heart was racing. That wasn’t possible. There had to be some other explanation. Yet there they were. That was a position he sometimes pinned Kurt in when the mood struck them for Blaine to act in a rough-dominant sort of way. Right down to the way their legs were positioned with Austin’s pressed right up between his. Blaine felt his face flushing. Kurt didn’t cheat. This wasn’t a picture of him cheating.

“You’re wrong.”

“Blaine, I’m sorry sweetie but the proof is _right there_. Did you see the third one yet?” She flipped them for him. That gave a much clearer view of Kurt’s face. Though the distance made it hard to tell what that emotion was. Only that his eyes were closed and that those kisses were definitely open-mouthed. “I’m very willing to bet that Austin quit because he didn’t want people finding out about him and Kurt. Or maybe Kurt started seeing his ex instead and he couldn’t stand that.”

“Thomas said they weren’t sleeping together.”

“Thomas cheated on Austin. That’s how he got AIDS. HIV. Whatever. It’s the same thing really. Anyway the point is Thomas has a history of dishonesty. What’s to keep him from doing it again?”

“Cheaters don’t always repeat their behavior.” His chest hurt. “And people who’ve been cheated on wouldn’t cheat on someone they love. Right?”

“I dunno. I’ve never had a relationship myself. I mean I am looking for one-”

“Felicia I’m gay. Ok? Gay. G-a-y gay. I like men, only men. Yes, you are a very beautiful girl, but girl kisses don’t mean anything to me. Trust me. I tried that. I felt gross after I kissed her.”

“But that was just one girl. Maybe she was just really gross?”

“No. Do you know Rachel Berry? Star of Funny Girl now star of her own TV show? I know people have been talking about her, she was a student here just last year.” Felicia’s face drained of color. “We went to high school together. All three of us. Before I started dating Kurt I got a bit drunk at a party and kissed Rachel.”

“So you were drunk!”

“And then when we were both completely sober we tried it again. That was when I knew for absolute certain that whatever I felt when we were drunk was just alcohol. And I don’t drink very often so don’t get your hopes up. Besides, even drunk I know who I’m going to be marrying.”

“Going to be? Blaine he _cheated_ on you!”

“There has to be an explanation for this. I trust him.” Blaine definitely wasn’t going to feed the voice in the back of his head suggesting that Felicia might be right. Kurt had been acting funny all semester. When had he worn that outfit again? On second glance Blaine knew it had to have been months ago. That was a pair of his warm weather pants and all of their summer clothes were tucked away for the winter.

“Yeah, of course. People just happen to start french kissing because they’re friends. Because that’s normal. Or maybe next you’ll be saying Austin just happened to trip and Kurt’s mouth just happened to be open and their hands just happened to magically intertwine.” Blaine tried to covertly send the picture to himself. He would figure out when it happened, he would figure this whole thing out. He had to believe in Kurt’s innocence. “What are you doing?”

“Trying to zoom in.”

“Its up in the corner.” She moved over behind him to help, her fingertips brushing on his arm. “Well that certainly looks like zoom to me.”

“I know how my phone works better than yours.”

“Sure, that’s the only reason. Look, Blaine.” Her fingers trailed up to rest on his shoulder. He jerked away. Hard. “Blaine. Hun. I know I’m a bit forward, but I do care about you, ok? Whatever happens you can come talk to me.” He looked over at her, eyes dark and heavy. “Honest. My friends back home say I’m really good at helping them through their breakups. Because I’m so good at being single.”

“Thank you for the offer but that won’t be necessary.” He passed her phone back.

“Are you sure? I mean, you’ll need someone to go to the clinic with. I’m usually very free.”

“Clinic? What are you talking about?”

“Oh, well. Thomas has HIV, right? And there’s a good chance he gave it to Austin. Which means if Kurt has been cheating that he has it. Which means if you’ve been sleeping with him you could have it.”

“See now I know you’re crazy. If Kurt had HIV he would tell me immediately.”

“And admit to cheating? Why on earth would he do something like that?”

“Because he’s not a cheater! Felicia! You’re wrong. You’re completely wrong about Kurt. Why do you assume the worst of him all the time? Don’t answer.” She had started to speak back too. Blaine wasn’t going to leave room for that. “When I fell for Kurt, I knew. I knew it was going to be special. For both of us. We’re engaged not because we’ve been dating for years or because we were swept up in the romance but because he is this person that brings out the best in me and reminds me every day why life is good and...and I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I’m absolutely certain that Kurt and I have been soulmates not just in this lifetime, but in every lifetime.”

“But he’s so-”

“Anything you’re going to say I can guarantee I already noticed. And I can live with that. Sure he can be a diva, and he’s not going to be everyone’s favorite cup of tea. But we all have different preferences for a perfect cup of tea anyway. True love isn’t about him being perfect, or me being perfect. It’s about loving all of each other, including those imperfections. And I love Kurt, truly.”

“But he _cheated_ on you!”

“No, he didn’t. And I’m going to prove it.”

“How?”

“I’m going to go home and talk to him.”

“Do you really think he’ll tell the truth?”

“I did.” Blaine shouldn’t have been so surprised at the shock on Felicia’s face. He knew he could seem like ‘the perfect boyfriend’ on the outside sometimes. Especially now that he’d been given a second chance - he wasn’t going to mess up again. “It was the hardest thing I ever had to do but I did. And it hurt. It hurt for a long time. And I had to overcome mountains to prove to him that I would never, ever hurt him like that again. But we got through it. And he agreed to marry me after I cheated on him. After, Felicia. This wasn’t something we had going before and then just fell back into. He knew what had happened and he still said yes. Whatever is happening, he’ll tell me.”

Blaine didn’t wait around to let Felicia respond. He hopped up and bolted for the front doors. All he heard was a desperate “remember I’ll be here for you!” that he didn’t even acknowledge.

No matter the story, there was no mistaking Kurt was the shorter man in that picture. And that some sort of kissing was occurring. Blaine pressed his fingers to his temples as he powered his way towards the subway. Kurt wasn’t a cheater. The only time he’d remotely done anything like that had been flirty texts and that wasn’t something he’d realized could hurt Blaine. Besides, he knew how much it hurt. He wasn’t the kind of person who would knowingly turn his pain around to someone else. Blaine remembered the trouble with Dave. Kurt easily could have outed him and turned the tables so Dave could know his suffering but instead he had done everything he could to make sure Dave never hurt that way. Even though he had, eventually, been attacked himself. But Kurt still tried.

Blaine was, of course, upset that Kurt had to know what it felt like to be cheated on, but because Kurt did know he was certain his fiancé would never do that. If things came to it they would break up before Kurt would cheat. Blaine was sure of it.

That didn’t settle his racing heart.

He ran for the loft as soon as he arrived at the station. All they had to do was talk. Kurt would tell him everything. Soon things would make sense again. Maybe it didn’t even mean anything at all. Maybe they had been practicing for something like a play or a musical audition that they’d both been considering and they were trying to really wow the judges. It wasn’t cheating. Whatever it was, it couldn’t be cheating. Even if that was the most logical answer as to why Kurt had been in such a position with another man. That couldn’t be right. It wasn’t right.

“Hey Kurt?” he called as he pushed their door open. The loft was silent. There was a familiar suitcase in the middle of the floor. “Rachel! Kurt!” Nothing.

Blaine moved quickly into the loft, checking behind the curtains and even in the shower. No one was home. Maybe a text would get him some answers. _Hey Kurt, I decided to come home for the afternoon._ The jingle sounded from their room. Blaine hurried over there to find the phone resting on the end of the bed. There were several missed calls from Burt and a text too. Blaine glanced the first couple of characters that it showed. “Great guitar pl….” The more interesting thread was the one with Thomas. Blaine’s finger itched. Thomas seemed to know a lot more than he’d said. All Blaine had to do was take a little scroll. They were going to talk as soon as Kurt came home anyway.

With a glance towards the door Blaine did just that. He scrolled up and up until he hit what looked like the beginning of their most recent conversation.

_Doc said I just have to take meds once a day._

_That’s it?_

_Yeah, I guess. Did you take your test yet?_

_No._

_Kurt._

_I know. I’m going to take it tomorrow when Blaine leaves for class._

_Keep me updated ok?_

_I promise._ The timestamp showed a large skip in time. Right around the time they’d had dinner. A very quiet dinner. Then it picked up again. _How did you handle it?_

_Handle what?_

_The test turning out positive._

_I didn’t. I kept telling myself it was false. Until it wasn’t. Now I’m just focusing on finishing my semester and remembering to take my medicine. Do you want me to come over tomorrow?_

_No_

_Are you sure? You really shouldn’t be alone. I could tell Blaine for you._

_Please don’t. He can’t find out like this._

_But you are going to tell him?_

_Of course._

_Tomorrow?_ There was no reply. The next series of messages were all from Thomas that morning, all asking about how the test went, how Kurt was feeling, if he (being Thomas) needed to say something to Blaine, if he needed to tell Blaine he needed to go home. There was also a rundown of the conversation he and Blaine had at lunch. With more encouragement to tell. It didn’t take a lot for Blaine to figure out what ‘test’ they were talking about. His heart picked up its pace. People didn’t get HIV from kissing. Kurt knew that. Which meant if Kurt had reason to take an HIV test then something had happened for him to have a reason to do that.

Maybe it wasn’t an HIV test. Maybe it was something to do with his OCD tendencies. Blaine found himself unable to even entertain that possibility. It felt too farfetched. Even compared to his audition theory.

It wasn’t possible. Yet Kurt was missing from the flat, Rachel was in New York already. Maybe she knew and had come in early to be with him. Though Blaine could easily see their last texts had been several days ago and it had been about tofurkey. There were no calls in his history to or from her either. Maybe they’d used Skype.

The phone slipped out of his hand. “No! … Oh.” It hadn’t broken but it had bounced underneath the bed. When Blaine looked he found something else interesting. A stack of wedding magazines. Slowly he opened up the pages. There were sticky notes and dog eared pages. Clearly Kurt had been looking at these for himself. And hiding them like most men hid their playboy magazines.

A voice in the back of Blaine’s head whispered horrible things. That Kurt felt guilty and was going to try to push their wedding forward to try and run from his guilt. Blaine had considered showering Kurt in affection after what he had done after all. It was a normal reaction - seeking repentance.

No. Kurt wasn’t a cheater. But he had to have done something to think he had HIV. Blaine actually wouldn’t be opposed to finding out Kurt had picked up a drug habit. There hadn’t been any clear needle spots on Kurt’s body though. Blaine knew every inch of him. But Kurt had been staying more covered up lately.

He set the phone back exactly as he’d found it. His head ached. So he tried to busy himself with doing something. Like cleaning up Kurt’s completely uneaten breakfast. The spoon wasn’t even in the bowl. At least Kurt had tried to eat something from most of Blaine’s meals over the last couple of weeks. This hadn’t even been touched.

He carefully scraped its contents into the trash, just as he had the other food. Some things, of course, could be saved, but a lot of the food in their trash now had been growing from lack of attention. Besides. He’d needed the containers for new leftovers.

Then his eyes landed on a white plastic...pregnancy test? True he’d never seen one in person but it looked relatively like the ones from tv commercials. Blaine picked up the bag and flipped it around in his hands. OraQuick was written on the device. He did a quick search with his phone. “Oh. Well.” No surprise there. Just confirmation. He glanced at the results window. There were two lines. Which, according to the website, meant positive.

Positive.

Blaine sunk into a chair at the kitchen table. Well there was the proof. More proof. He flipped through to the picture again. Kurt wasn’t a cheater. He couldn’t be.

The scrape of the metal gave away their return. Blaine shoved the test in his pocket and changed his phone screen to Facebook. He couldn’t face this. Not now. Especially not after seeing Rachel half carrying Kurt back into the loft. The man looked awful. He’d never been that pale. This wasn’t the time to be getting angry and accusing Kurt of things. He needed love and care. Especially if it was the drug thing.

“Kurt, please stay positive,” Rachel was saying.

“Rachel!” a horse and clearly grief-stricken reply filled the air around them. Blaine could hear the tears better than he could see the redness around Kurt’s eyes.

“I’m sure it’s here, no big oh hi Blaine!” Kurt’s head tilted up to look at him. Then it snapped away immediately.

“What are you looking for?” Blaine asked them carefully.

“Kurt’s phone.” He could tell she wasn’t telling the whole truth.

“Well, where was it last?”

“Our room,” Kurt replied quietly before untangling himself from Rachel. He pushed his coat off to reveal the all blue ensemble underneath. Blue for clear skies. Blaine remembered that. He started searching their relationship this semester for the signs. Everything had been so hot and cold - one day it would be more passionate than ever before and the next Kurt wouldn’t even hold his hand. Not to mention he hadn’t let Blaine do anything to his body for weeks. Weeks.

The pale man tumbled to their room and dropped himself on the bed, grabbing the phone and checking it. He’d known it was there. He hadn’t been worried about that. Blaine had a suspicion he knew what their real concern had been over.

“I don’t suppose you two ate while you were out did you?” His eyes remained on Kurt. He caught the glance tossed his way while his fiancé checked on the device. Blaine tried to act natural since Rachel was here.

“He couldn’t even eat cheesecake,” Rachel sighed. “Not even that triple berry one he liked so much.” Blaine sighed and pulled out a box of crackers. “That might work.”

“I’m not hungry,” Kurt grumbled to them.

“You haven’t eaten since lunch. Yesterday.” Blaine moved over to catch his fiancé as Kurt tried to move about the apartment. His hand hooked into the crook of the elbow. Kurt flinched and yanked himself away.

“Careful!” Rachel called, wrapping her own arms around her friend. “I made him go to the hospital to get checked out.”

“So what does he have?” Kurt wasn’t even leaning towards him. He was putting his weight on Rachel. He pulled away even more at Blaine’s question.

“Flu, most likely. The rash had them a little worried but it’s not unheard of.” Blaine caught the dark look Kurt shot her.

“Rash?”

“Just a heat rash, from the fever.” His hands shot up to wave it off and that was when Blaine saw the spots. Those things he’d thought were blisters. They’d gotten a lot worse now.

Blaine offered the crackers to Rachel as she made Kurt lay down again. She even pulled his shoes off while Blaine just stood there. Like a stranger. Rachel knew more than he did, that much was obvious. Thomas, someone who _had_ been a stranger a month ago, knew more than he did. Blaine could feel the dagger twisting in his heart.

He couldn’t do this now. “I’ll make lunch.” As he walked away he heard Rachel whispering words of comfort about how she must have thrown ‘it’ away.


	12. Say Something

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 12: Say Something, by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilara  
> Singers: Kurt and Blaine  
> (Whoever was mentioned in the few sentences before a verse is the singer. If it is a 'they' paragraph then both are singing.)  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-2U0Ivkn2Ds&feature=kp

Silence seeped into every corner of the Bushwick loft, blanketing all the furniture, the door and windows, and even the curtains that divided the rooms. When Blaine passed into the bathroom it was as though a sin had been committed. He made a noise. Kurt closed his eyes. It was useless to pretend he was trying to eat anyway.

Sam had been the last to leave that morning. Everyone else had been gone the evening before. Tomorrow classes would start again and Rachel would return to filming and Mercedies to singing and the world would continue on as though nothing had changed. As though nothing would ever change. Blaine’s silence said that everything was different now. He knew something. Rachel had said Kurt was crazy and Blaine was just trying to give him space and let him rest but Kurt knew it wasn’t that easy. That whole week the bed had been as divided as the night they’d broken up.

Blaine came back and sunk into the his chair again. He cleared his throat - twice. Kurt did the same on accident. Blaine’s behavior just made him feel like he needed to.

They pushed the food around a bit longer. It was a beautiful meal. One of their special recipes. Something they always made together. Blaine had made it alone tonight. Kurt had spread out on the couch and watched the lights of a candle he’d lit dance on the wall. With the holiday reprieve his excuse had transformed from stress-induced-exhaustion to recuperating-from-the-flu exhaustion. There was still a tiredness in his body. The sickness had wiped out all of his energy early in the week. It wasn’t the sickness that drained him now.

What if Blaine left him? What if Blaine died because of him? Kurt couldn’t handle it. He’d prefer Blaine leaving him to Blaine dying any day, but that didn’t mean he wanted either of those things to happen. He kept telling himself he could survive their breakup so long as Blaine survived his body. He knew that he would have to, of course, but he wouldn’t fare well. Last time would have been child’s play in comparison. He knew it already. Their relationship was more now than it had ever been. Just one brush of their fingertips was a beautiful spark.

Lately, though, it seemed he couldn’t even handle Blaine just as himself - without having done anything yet at all. The man knew something. Yet he hadn’t said a word. It wasn’t his fault. If he knew anything then he knew Kurt had been keeping something secret for a while now.

“How’s Thomas doing?” Words. Blaine was speaking words. Kurt nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound. He had been wrapped up in the quiet since Sam left that morning. Blaine and Artie had taken him to the airport, then Blaine had gone back to Artie’s dorm for a few hours to play video games. Kurt himself hadn’t said a word. Sam, confused, had asked if he was saving his voice for anything since he hadn’t talked much all week. Blaine of course had explained it was just a really bad illness. He hadn’t called it the flu. Kurt knew he knew. He tried to shrug in response. “You know, we could have a New York friends party later, maybe after finals, with Dani and Elliot and Thomas. What do you think?” Kurt’s other shoulder lifted. Almost twenty four hours without a word had turned speaking into a foreign concept.

Silence crept in again. The minutes on the clock ticked by as all the steam evaporated from their food. Blaine was trying to make a point with this meal. They were a couple, a team, future husbands. It was painful for this food to go uneaten. The potential messages about their relationship abounded and none were good. Was it going to be over soon?

Blaine was resolved. He wasn’t going to make any assumptions this time. Until Kurt took that ring off of his finger and handed it to him, they were engaged and they were going to live their lives together.

“Have you heard anything about Austin?” Blaine jumped this time. Kurt had spoken. About Austin. Why did it have to be Austin. Well, they needed to talk about him of course. Blaine didn’t feel ready though. It was strange. He had wanted to talk but when faced with the possibility he was left feeling unprepared. He swallowed and did his best to face it.

“Why?”

“Oh. He’s just Thomas’s ex. You know.” Blaine knew.

“Just the usual rumors.” Austin was a victim in this mess too. People around school were going to speak very poorly of him. He was going to have a hard time coming back next semester. Unless everyone found something else that was more interesting to talk about over winter break. Maybe someone would get pregnant or another starlet on broadway would make a scene and be kicked off the stage. That would be good. Not for the starlet but for the victims of these HIV rumors. Maybe they could start moving on. “Have you heard any others?”

“Hm?”

“Rumors.”

“A few. They’re sick.”

“Yeah.”

Food wasn’t getting eaten. Kurt transferred his into a plastic container to save for later. There was room in the fridge now. Rachel had helped clean out the old leftovers and of course Sam could be an endless eating machine. Blaine took a bite of his before following suit. Neither man had much appetite.

Kurt sunk to the couch with his knees tucked up against his body. He was settled down in their spot in a position that insisted no one should touch him. He breathed in Blaine’s scent there.

Blaine washed the dishes and took a shower. Anything to fill the empty space. His beautiful curls were dried and tamed once more before he returned to Kurt’s side. He didn’t sit too close. He used his phone as an escape now, checking out the latest game craze on facebook for as long as it would hold his attention. They passed an hour just like that. Then Kurt sat up and stretched. “I’m going to go to bed.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Blaine responded. Nothing was going to happen today. That much was clear. The two moved to the bedroom, flicking off lights as they went. Kurt went straight for his pajamas. Blaine mirrored his movements.

Soft blue pajamas slipped easily over Blaine’s arms. He didn’t want to put them on. He wanted to curl up against Kurt so that all of their skin touched and gave each other hope and warmth again.

He caught sight of Kurt in the mirror, slipping into his silky green ones. Kurt had started losing weight in all of this. Well, of course he had. Suddenly his food intake had been cut in half. For a moment he saw the rash across the man’s back. It had healed somewhat but it hadn’t gone away altogether. Blaine closed his eyes.

“Say something, I'm giving up on you.  
I'll be the one, if you want me to.”

They turned around almost in unison, catching each other’s eyes. He watched as Kurt opened his mouth, as if to speak, but neither said a word. Blaine pulled down the blankets on their bed. Then he turned off the lights.

“Anywhere I would've followed you.  
Say something, I'm giving up on you.”

They both crawled into bed on opposite edges. Blaine held tight to the blankets as he settled on his back. His head tilted towards Kurt. Kurt kept his back entirely to his love. His arms wrapped tightly around himself. He felt so cold by himself in their bed. It was worse because all he had to do was roll over and reach his arm out. But he couldn’t.

“And I am feeling so small.  
It was over my head,  
I know nothing at all.

And I will stumble and fall.  
I'm still learning to love,  
Just starting to crawl.”

Blaine rolled onto his side, away from Kurt. They both needed each other to start talking. Neither was able to say the words. Both of them felt guilty for what they felt and thought, for what had happened, for what was happening. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be. They were supposed to talk about everything. Even the hard stuff. Always. Keeping things behind closed doors caused problems.

“Say something, I'm giving up on you.  
I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.  
Anywhere I would've followed you.  
Say something, I'm giving up on you.”

Blaine’s chest hurt. He wanted to cry. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t stay here if this was how it was going to be.

“And I will swallow my pride.  
You're the one that I love  
And I'm saying goodbye.”

Kurt needed Blaine to speak up. To say he’d read Thomas’s texts, to ask what test they had been talking about. To question why he’d had his blood drawn over the flu. To ask why his hands and feet and back had broken out like that. He knew he should be the one to talk first. He should have said something months ago. It just hurt so much. It felt like he was admitting that he had failed to be a man. Sometimes when he was left alone with his thoughts he started to convince himself he had cheated on Blaine. He felt like he should have been able to stop it. To put an end to it all before it began. Yet he’d let Austin harass him for weeks and had done nothing to separate himself from that man. He needed Blaine to start the conversation.

Blaine needed Kurt to talk. To say he knew Blaine had seen those texts, to confess to the HIV test, and to tell him that he wasn’t sick because of the flu. He needed to hear the words for himself. ‘I have HIV.’ It would be the most painful words he’d ever have to hear but it couldn’t hurt more than this silence. Then Kurt could say why it had happened and they could figure out if they needed to break up or if they could survive this all over again. Somehow Blaine believed they could. If only Kurt would just talk.

“Say something, I'm giving up on you  
And I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you.  
And anywhere I would've followed you.  
Say something, I'm giving up on you.”

Neither man slept that night. Nor did they move. Not even once.

“Say something, I'm giving up on you.”

As the sun started to break into the sky Blaine got up and started gathering his things. He shot Artie a text asking if it was ok if they ran a long campaign on that rpg they’d just split the cost on a few weeks earlier. It only took him ten minutes to be packed and gone.

The tears were pouring down Kurt’s face, there was no stopping them. He rolled over and buried his face in Blaine’s pillow. “Say something,” he choked out.


	13. Just Give Me a Reason

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 13: Just Give Me a Reason, by P!nk and Nate Ruess  
> Singers: Kurt and Blaine  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gwx4iTRLXG8

“Watch out behind you!” Artie roared as he covered Blaine’s back. “That was close. You know you haven’t really been on your A-game today.”

“I haven’t been feeling very good lately, sorry.” Blaine had been going to his classes. Kurt had not. If he had gone to NYADA at all in the last four days Blaine hadn’t caught sight of him. He also hadn’t spoken to Felicia or Thomas. He couldn’t. Felicia because she was creepy and Thomas because of his undeterminable role in what was going on.

“You know you have been looking kind of pale. I know its not from a lack of sun either. What’s up?”

“I think I got something from Kurt. Woah look out there!” The men lapsed into silence as they tried to salvage the game. It was a lost cause. “How did I die that much!”

“You’re really surprised?” Blaine dropped the controller as he fell back on Artie’s bed.

“I’m really good at this game!”

“Not about the game.” The man only paused for a beat before plowing through the moment.

“Maybe we need a quick break. Do you still have Mario Cart?”

“I think you need a break from games.”

“I’m fine.”

“Blaine. Look, I like your company. You’re one of my best friends. It’s great hanging out with you.”

“You want me to leave?”

“No! Well. It is easier to get around when you aren’t taking up most of my floor, but you can stay as long as you need to. I just really think I deserve to know why an engaged man who has a very nice apartment with his fiancé currently prefers to sleep on the concrete floor of a college dorm room. And maybe tell me why Kurt hasn’t called or texted or _anything_ to make sure you’re alright?” Artie had been paying attention. He saw how Blaine watched his phone. He was waiting. “Are you two ok?”

“Yeah. Perfect, like always.” Blaine rolled over and picked his controller off the ground to try to enter into another match. Artie pulled it out of the game station. “Ok, fine, we’re not doing the greatest. We’ve been a lot better. There’s something he’s not telling me and I don’t even know if I want to know anymore!” Artie turned his chair to face his friend as Blaine tucked himself up on the bed once more. “I don’t want to lose him.”

“You think he wants to break up?”

“No, that’s not it.”

“Then why are you going to lose him?” Blaine took a very deep breath, making sure to fill up every inch of his lungs. Then the words came rushing out.

“Someone caught him possibly cheating, they got pictures of him kissing another man. But that’s not all. He may have gotten something from that man. Something you don’t get from just kissing someone. And I don’t want to believe it but I have the positive test as proof!”

“Test for what?” Blaine leaned over and pulled the bag out of his coat pocket. He’d kept it with him at all times. No matter where Kurt decided to start talking about what had happened. The problem was that it was constantly reminding him that this was really happening. “Ok you know what that looks like right?”

“Yes. But that’s not what it is.”

“Clearly. We’ve all well established Kurt’s manliness. That’s why you’re dating him. Unless you’ve both been keeping secrets but even then I know Finn never would have been able to hide something like that, and they lived together so I’m sure Finn would have known. So what is it really?”

“An HIV test. The two lines mean its positive.”

“Kurt has HIV!” Artie took a moment to absorb the information. Then it clicked. “Wait. What about you?”

“I haven’t gotten tested yet. Here’s the thing though. Kurt hasn’t talked to me about this. He’s clearly known for weeks at least and he hasn’t said anything.”

“Has he tried to, well, get frisky?” Blaine stared a moment. “He has?”

“No! No. Not for a while. He’s been pretty good about not letting me touch him since about...a month ago. I was just marveling at frisky. Frisky? Really? We’re gay, not kids. You can say sex you know.”

“Nevermind the word. Just keep talking. Does Kurt know you have this?”

“I know he suspects it. I sort of looked through his text messages with this guy-"

"The guy he might have cheated with?"

"No, another one. See, Kurt hadn't looked at those messages yet. So he knows someone opened them. And I was the only one in the loft at that time. So I know he knows I know something. I think he suspects that I have the test even though Rachel said she was sure she threw it away-"

"Rachel's in on this? Why don't you just talk to her?"

"You really think she'd tell me?"

"...I really can't tell with that girl. It'd probably depend on her mood."

"And with her in California I can't just watch until she's in a mood where I can get secrets out of her." Artie crossed his arms as he thought. "I'm terrified right now."

"Do you know what you're going to do?"

"About what?"

"If he did cheat on you. Do you know what you're going to do? Like, how he broke up with you, would you break up with him? And where would you go? I mean you can stay here a while but it's not ideal."

"I can't leave him. Unless its really bad like he did it because he just doesn't love me, but I know he still loves me. He still wants to get married. He has wedding magazines Artie. He's been planning it already. But I know it won't be easy. Cheating is huge. I've been that guy before. I put him through this. And I also know that what I did wasn't because I didn't love him and I have worked so hard to set it right and I know we can survive it. I might take a year or two but we'll survive it."

"You're really optimistic about all this aren't you?"

"I _love_ him. And until he says its over I need to believe in us.”

“This just really doesn’t seem like Kurt. I know he’s changed a lot since high school but he’s basically still the same guy he always was. Unless he’s completely changed this semester? I know we haven’t been hanging out as much as we used to.”

“He has changed a lot. But whatever happened did happen at the beginning of the semester. He’s probably been carrying the guilt and letting it grow all that time. I know I didn’t act like myself for months after telling him. Before I was a complete mess. On the plane ride here I couldn’t stop crying. I debated about telling him or not up until I actually did it. I just wanted it to go away, like it had never happened. It could have, technically. I never had to say anything, no one would know. But I knew it would destroy us if I didn’t. Because it would eat me up inside and change me.”

“So we’re going with yes he probably cheated on you?”

“Even if he didn’t sleep with the guy, I still have a picture of them kissing.”

“Can I see?” Blaine opened up the photo and passed it over. “That is definitely not you.”

“No, it’s not.” They both looked at the picture for a moment before Blaine remembered why they were revisiting this anyway. “Artie, people don’t get HIV from kissing.”

“Right. HIV comes from sex or dirty needles. Kurt hasn’t taken up a drug habit has he?”

“No.”

“Get any tattoos from questionable sources?”

“Definitely not. I know every inch of him.”

“I didn’t need to imagine that thank you.” Artie examined the photo again. “Is it just me or does he look uncomfortable?”

“Well, it’s either that or one of his pleasure faces. The picture is too far away to really tell.”

“You’re sure?”

“Trust me. I know all his faces. That’s very normal for him. Always has been. Even back before we first started doing anything. They just got more intense when we did get into it.” Artie pressed his hands to the sides of his head.

“All the images I never wanted are all inside my head now.”

“You’re the one who asked.”

“I’m allowed to regret it.” Artie passed the phone back and glanced over to the TV. The game was waiting for them still. “When are you going to talk to him again?”

“I don’t know. I’ve kind of been hoping he’d say something first.”

“He’s apparently had months to say something first. If he was going to, he probably would have. Has he even called since you left?”

“He hasn’t even texted.”

“Maybe he thinks you don’t want him to. What did you tell him when you left?”

“I didn’t. I mean, I didn’t even say anything. I just packed a bag and texted you.”

“Yeah, see, he probably figured out that you know about the HIV test. That’s plain enough I guess. He has to know what you’re thinking. Especially if its true. And I’m sure he remembers how he felt after what happened back in high school. I mean, when he was here and you weren’t. Which was around the time he didn’t want you calling, texting, or anything. So he’s in your position from the past with knowledge of what its like to be in your current position. That actually sounds even scarier than facing this with no history if you ask me.”

“When you put it that way.” Blaine stared down at his phone. “I want him to tell me he still needs me.”

“Maybe he is. By not calling. We don’t know what’s going on in that loft.”

“He hasn’t been to school since before break.”

“So he’d been quite alone with himself, right?”

“Unless Rachel moved back in, which I’m pretty sure she hasn’t since her facebook is full of filming updates.” The phone went off. “Artie!”

“Is that Kurt?” Blaine nodded. Kurt was calling. Kurt was _calling_. Not just texting but calling. “You gonna answer?” His thumb was hovering over the button but he wasn’t pressing it. “Do you want _me_ to answer?” The call stopped. “Now you missed him.”

“I know.”

“You need to talk to him.”

“What if I can’t handle it? I want to but what if I can’t!”

“You’ll have to deal with it either way. I think it’s better to know for sure. Even if it looks bad maybe hearing his story will make your decision easier”

“Yeah.”

“Ok! So, I’m going to go get us a couple sodas and maybe some cronuts from the little shop downstairs if it’s still open?”

“Thanks.”

“No problem. That’s what friends are for.” The door clicked loudly shut behind Artie’s wheels. Blaine sat up and rested his head against the cold dorm wall. He could do this. Just a call. Just a ‘Kurt tell me the truth.’ He didn’t even have to go back home tonight if it was bad. He could sleep on it and go back in the morning and they could figure things out.

It wasn’t like he could move in with Artie though. Or like Kurt could afford that loft by himself. Even if Kurt had cheated on him he wouldn’t be able to leave his fiancé in the cold like that. Fiancé. Would they still be engaged? That would have to depend on what had happened. Which they definitely needed to discuss. Blaine swiped his finger over the device and pulled up his history.

“Blaine?” whispered through the speaker. He was crying.

“Hey.” He was trying to sound confident. It was hard to keep his cool. Especially as he listened to Kurt’s breathing. Every breath was quick and sharp. It was scary.

“Blaine,” Kurt repeated after a minute or two. “I need you to come home. Please, I need you. I need you.” Blaine looked down to his hand. There were noticeable pink spots starting to form. He wondered if he would be able to forgive Kurt for giving him HIV. A sudden sharp breath caught his attention again.

“I’ll be home in a little bit, ok? Please eat something tonight. I’m really worried about you.” Even with the looming possibility that he’d caught Kurt cheating, he was still madly in love. Blaine knew that anything short of Kurt telling him that he wasn’t in love anymore would keep him there. He would hurt and he was very liable to cry - a lot - but he wasn’t going to leave. Perhaps that was stupid of him. But he knew that mistakes happened. If Kurt still wanted a relationship then he would do everything he could to make it work.

“I’m fine. I will. I’m fine. Stay safe.”

“I will. Kurt? I love you.”

“I love you too.” Kurt didn’t even pause a beat to think about it. Blaine hung up the phone and grabbed his suitcase. He was just in time to almost have a crash with Artie.

“Woah, hey, what happened?” his friend asked as he offered up the junk food.

“I’m going home. I have to see him.”

“Did you talk about what happened?”

“Not yet. Artie, I am probably completely crazy but I absolutely love him and I’m pretty sure that I’m going to fight for him if I have to. Is that awful?”

“Maybe, for you, but it is romantic and let’s face it, you are a very romantic person.”

“Right. Ok. Thanks for letting me crash. I’ll call you later and catch you up.” Artie bit into one of the two cronuts that were now both his as Blaine left.

Blaine could have ran the entire way home if he’d had to. Thirty minutes. Then he was there. Staring down the door with only the glow of the street lamps lighting the hallway. He could do this. He could face this. It would hurt - and it would probably destroy their finals and holiday season too - but they could get through almost anything.

The door had never seemed so heavy.

Kurt was perched on the edge of a couch cushion, his fingers curled into its corners, all color drained from his body aside from the red lining his eyes. He was holding onto that cushion for dear life. Blaine noticed several things had been rearranged in the loft. Some of the pictures had been turned down but the most noticeable difference was how everything had been lined up in neat rows. Not an edge out of place. He walked over to their first prom photo and set it back up right. Hopefully this wasn’t a bad sign.

“Have you eaten?”

“No.” Blaine sighed and went to sit on the coffee table, right where he could look into Kurt’s eyes. “I’m not hungry.”

“You said you’d eat something.”

“When I get hungry.” This wasn’t why he’d come back. There was no way this cycle of small talk was going to start up again.

“We need to talk.” Four infamous words. Each worse than the last. “I know this isn’t about classes or work or June.”

“I know.”

“Kurt, you need to tell me what’s really happening. And I’ll know if you aren’t. I.” He took a deep breath and pulled the picture up on his phone. “I found a few things out.” Kurt’s mind whirled at the sight. Someone had captured that moment for the entire world to see. It was never going to go away. For all eternity there would be pictures of that day with Austin pressed up against his body. If he became famous no doubt these pictures would be leaked and circle the internet. Coming back again and again to constantly remind him of what had happened. The shame and guilt flooded back all over again.

It was worse than that even. Blaine had to be witness to the event now too. Suddenly it became a whole lot harder to breathe. “I saw this a couple of weeks ago, but we both know those pants have been in storage since September. I don’t think it’s gotten out to the whole school but with how everyone has been talking I can’t really be sure. No one’s said anything to me though. Not even Thomas. At least not about Austin. Have they been saying anything to you?” Kurt wasn’t speaking. He wasn’t even moving. Blaine took a deep breath. There was one more thing he had to reveal anyway. He pulled out the bag.

It was as though Kurt’s entire chest constricted. There wasn’t space for his heart or his lungs. Everything hurt inside and out. His mouth opened to beg for help but there were no words to be found.

“You can be honest with me,” Blaine pressed. Kurt pressed a hand over his chest as he tried to get any sort of worthwhile breath in. “I swear. Whatever happened we’ll work through it.” Hopefully. Blaine could feel his head swimming in fear. He watched Kurt’s other hand as it reached out to him, trembling. His whole arm was trembling. In fact, when his eyes traced the fine line of that arm to find their way to Kurt’s eyes he realized his love’s entire body was shaking. “I love you Kurt. No matter what happened, I will always love you. And I want to be with you for whatever time we have, for all of it.” He lifted his hand to take Kurt’s. The ice-cold skin didn’t seem to warm up against his.

Fingers digging deep into the skin on the back of Blaine’s hand, Kurt pressed his hand harder to his chest. He couldn’t get enough air into his lungs. His heart hurt. Physically hurt - like needles were being dug into it. Waves of heat and ice ran over his skin. His eyes darted to the picture, then back to Blaine. In that moment he felt very much like it could possibly be his last and that this was what Blaine would remember of them. HIV and Austin.

Spots started to threaten his vision as his head began swimming. What had he done? This was all his fault. He was sure of it.

“Kurt!” cut through.”Kurt look at me. Please look at me. Please.” There were two hands on his shoulders. Blaine was shaking him lightly. “Can you breathe?” He shook his head as desperate tears escaped his eyes. “Ok, ok, hang on, we’re going to the hospital. Just focus on breathing.” Kurt could feel a coat being wrapped around his body, a scarf too.

Blaine definitely wasn’t going to put whatever happened above his fiancé’s life.

At the hospital the doctors put him on priority. A mask was pulled over Kurt’s head and they started pulling his personal effects off of him. His phone, his wallet, anything that had metal on it. Kurt didn’t let them touch the ring. He pulled that off himself. As the staff tried to push Blaine away Kurt grabbed his hand and slipped it effortlessly over the knuckles on Blaine’s left ring finger. Blaine curled his hand up to guard that ring with his life.


	14. Time After Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 14: Time After Time, by Cyndi Lauper  
> Singers: Kurt and Blaine  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2PqhOrgk11A

“Hello?” Blaine had managed to get the staff to leave Kurt’s things in his care while they were treating him. This included his phone. Normally he would have just let Kurt’s calls and texts go until Kurt could respond but this was different. This was his dad.

“Blaine? Where’s Kurt?”

“Busy, at the moment. He should be done in a few minutes.” There was a brief pause as some emergency loud-noise-making monitor went off a few feet from where Blaine had edged off to. He hadn’t even realized there was a person there.

“Are you in the hospital?”

“Yeah. Kurt had a panic attack. He’s fine now. They’re just going through a mental evaluation with him. I think they said they were going to keep him for observation overnight too.” They had come in late and usually a patient with Kurt’s symptoms would be kept at least a few hours. The doctor had just felt it’d be better to wait out the entire night.

The silence on the phone was lingering too long so Blaine decided to fill space with his own voice. “It was my fault, I’m sorry. Something happened and I approached it the wrong way even though I knew he was stressed but I didn’t realize it was this bad-”

“I’m glad you’re with him.” He heard Burt taking in a very deep breath. Clearly the man was trying to stay calm. “Is this related to the notification I got in the mail from our health insurance about him getting some blood work done?”

“Yes.”

“Are you two ok?” Blaine took a chance. He’d spied a text Kurt had sent out to Rachel and Thomas saying ‘2 pm, tomorrow.’ Something important was going to happen and there were really only a few things Blaine could be sure it might be.

“We might find that out tomorrow.”

“Should I come see you guys?”

“Uhm, we might find that out tomorrow?”

“I see. You tell Kurt to call me as soon as he can. I don’t care what time it is. I’ll have my phone turned all the way up. I’m in Ohio right now so he doesn’t have to worry about interrupting anything.”

“I will.”

“Ok. I’ll probably check in with you to make sure he’s being honest with me. I know he holds back because he’s worried about my heart but I swear its worse for me when I have to worry about him.”

“I promise I will tell you the whole truth Burt.” The curtain’s around Kurt’s bed opened. “I have to go, I think the doctor’s done.”

“Thank you Blaine. Take care of my boy.” The call ended. Blaine took a moment to compose himself. Take care of Kurt. He could do that. He could definitely do that. Kurt was a priority. No matter what had happened or what was going to happen. He could do this.

How had things gotten this out of hand?

“Blaine Anderson?” the nurse asked as she passed him. He gave her a quick nod. He couldn’t imagine the size his eyes had to have been to get her sympathetic response. “It’s ok, he’s fine, he wasn’t in any danger but you did good bringing him here. We’re going to set you two up with all the information you need for dealing with this if it happens again, ok?” Her voice was soft and caring. Somewhat like Mrs. Shue’s but without the fear-of-germs edge to it. She clearly wanted things to be alright.

“Ok.”

“Good. Now, he was asking for you. If he asks for anything to drink that isn’t water, don’t give it to him, ok? We have him sedated now and we don’t want to mess that up with caffeine. As for food, ask the nurse at the desk.” She gave his arm a light pat before leaving.

The time in the ER had been very short. Probably fifteen minutes. They’d gotten Kurt breathing deeply again and had gotten his heart rate under control, then they’d taken him to the observation unit for his evaluation and recovery. At least the giant oxygen mask was gone. They were alone up here now - the woman with the noisy heart monitor had been taken away. Blaine carefully sat down on the edge of the provided chair.

“Hey,” Kurt whispered.

“Please tell me this isn’t going to become a Christmas tradition for us. I don’t think I can handle that.” He’d hoped to get a smile or a dry laugh or any sign that Kurt was going to be ok inside his own head but Kurt just turned his head away.

“I’m sorry Blaine. I am so. So. Sorry.” His voice was so quiet. Distant and broken. It was clear that the man was completely exhausted.

“Just tell me what happened. Please Kurt. I won’t judge you.” As much as it might hurt Blaine knew he couldn’t judge. Clearly Kurt regretted what had been going on. They wouldn’t be here like this if he didn’t.

“It’s just. It’s so stupid.” Kurt curled his fingers into the blanket on the bed. One hand grabbed at his chest in fear it would constrict again but it didn’t. The medicine had his body completely under control. The beeps on the monitor didn’t even pick up their pace. Blaine moved to sit on the edge of the bed and their hands immediately entwined.

“Anything that would do this to you isn’t stupid.” Blaine rubbed his thumb along the back of Kurt’s hand, desperately tracing out heart after heart on it.. “Kurt, you’ve been falling apart for weeks. You haven’t even gone to classes since before Thanksgiving.”

“That’s because I can’t face the rumors. After the. The preliminary test I just couldn’t face it all...To answer your question from earlier, yes, I know what they’re saying about me and yes, some of them have said it to me. They just took it upon themselves to tell me what a despicable person I am. They don’t even know what happened. They just assumed.”

“Well, all they have to go on is the rumors, and the pictures.” If Felicia had them there was no telling how many people had seen them.

“I didn’t know there were pictures. That’s sick. That someone would just stand there and take pictures and do nothing to help me?” Now it was Blaine’s turn to be pale. A need for help implied that Kurt had been in a position where he was defending himself. Which meant he’d been attacked. Which meant he’d been assaulted. Sexually assaulted. Blaine’s hand tightened its grip on Kurt’s.

“Ow!” The hand relaxed again. How could he have been so stupid? He hadn’t even thought that this was possible. Well, that was the answer, wasn’t it? He hadn’t thought it of it because men just weren’t sexually assaulted. Not regularly. It certainly didn’t happen to people as strong as Kurt. “Don’t.”

“What?”

“I know that look, don’t even think about it.” Kurt assumed Blaine was thinking about the photographer. He wasn’t even thinking about Austin. They hadn’t said those words out loud yet. Assault. Rape even. Their words had been all about the pictures.

“What did he do to you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Austin. Tell me what happened.” Kurt looked everywhere but at Blaine. His chest lifted several inches as he filled his lungs before he started speaking again.

“I knew something wasn’t right about him. But I didn’t know him so I just thought maybe he was a little odd and I was just being rude. No one else seemed to have a problem with him. When he said he was going to show me some of the things we’d be working on in class this semester I thought that wouldn’t be such a bad idea, get a head start while I had the time. Maybe surprise you a bit, since you’re already so good...But then. He.” The words stopped coming out. Blaine could see the panic trying to rise up again.

“It’s ok, take your time,” he whispered, shifting his body to lay beside his fiancé. He just wanted to hold the man close and protect him from whatever was haunting him. That was the only apology he could offer for ever doubting his true love’s fidelity.

“That picture shows it all. He pinned me to the wall and he kissed me. I mean _kissed_. You know.” Over the last few years Kurt hadn’t been shy about talking about sexual things with Blaine. That shyness had vanished with his soft red cheeks. But that was always in regards to their sexuality as a couple. They’d never had to deal with what it meant when someone else forcefully invaded that dynamic. Sebastian, of course, didn’t count - he had never stood a chance. Blaine could have crushed him with one or two quick swipes easy.

“I know what you mean.”

“And that wasn’t the worst part. Blaine, it was just so disgusting I was so ashamed. Just thinking about talking about it made it real and I thought if I just didn’t think about it the whole thing would be put in the past and we’d never have to worry about it again. Especially when he left it was so easy to forget and move on and-”

“That’s why you were working out more isn’t it?” That wasn’t forgetting and they both knew it.

“I hate feeling defenseless.” Blaine didn’t have to look at the picture again. There, captured for all of time, was someone determined to prove to Kurt that he wasn’t strong enough. Blaine would never believe that for a second.

“Kurt, you’re the strongest man I know.” He couldn’t deny that Kurt’s strength was mostly on the inside though. His hand brushed up through Kurt’s hair.

“Not strong enough.”

“There will always be someone physically stronger than pretty much everyone. There can only be one ‘strongest man’ after all.”

“Yeah? Most of those men probably won’t think it appropriate to…” Kurt tried to turn away again but Blaine held him tight. That only caused him to struggle more. “Please let go!”

“Kurt, I-” Blaine sat up in a hurry and watched as his fiancé curled up.

“I know. I just can’t right now. It’s not you. It’s because of him.” Now it was Blaine’s turn to take a deep breath. He had to stay calm, for Kurt. Even though he wanted to break something and cry at the same time. Screaming felt like a good idea. He couldn’t give in to his desires.

“What else happened?” Kurt didn’t respond right away so Blaine took his hand again. “I promise, I won’t go after him unless you want me to.” He just needed to know how far the assault had gone. What the camera hadn’t captured. Did the R word come into play. Should it be in play anyway?

“It’s not that. I. He. It just. God Blaine I feel so dirty and disgusting just remembering it.” Blaine rubbed Kurt’s bare back. The hospital was making him wear the usual open-back gown just in case there was an emergency they needed to address. With his heart or lungs. Especially given the medical history of his family. Even though Burt was awesome, he wasn’t exactly the healthiest dad in the world. The skin was smooth and cold under his fingertips. Like real porcelain.

“You’re so cold.”

“I don’t feel cold.” Blaine could tell that was a lie. Kurt wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“Can I warm you?”

“He got me up.”

“What?”

“When he. Did that. The leg thing. When he put his leg. Uhm, when he put it there. I reacted to it. I didn’t want to but I did.” Blaine couldn’t stop the sharp breath the cut into his neck. That was worse than kisses. But it couldn’t be helped. A man’s body just did things like that sometimes. He thought back to Ryder’s confession in the choir room. Ryder didn’t want what had happened to him either. That didn’t mean his body had just shut down though.

“That wasn’t your fault Kurt. I mean, it’s so easy to have that happen. I know you had to have those moments in middle school when suddenly pre-algebra somehow caused a moment.”

“That happened to you?”

“Yeah. While I was at the board solving a problem. I still to this day don’t know how. Well, I kind of do. The other guy up there was cute. But I didn’t think of him like that and I wasn’t feeling like that. We were solving equations!”

“Ok, but middle school is different. Puberty.”

“Right. But. I mean, it really doesn’t take much, especially when someone’s really agitated already. Adrenaline gets the heart going which gets the blood pumping which makes it a lot easier for something like that happen. Kurt, the point is that you weren’t responsible for that. Or anything. That wasn’t your fault. What he did to you was a fault of who he is.”

“Blaine, I could have stopped him. I could have walked away before it got to that, I could have said something maybe? Maybe if I hadn’t taken my shirt off!”

“You shouldn’t have to think about things like that. What he did, that wasn’t your fault Kurt. He attacked you.” The light betrayed the tears bubbling out of Kurt’s eyes. The older man tried to wipe them away and hide his emotions. Blaine laid down and held him close once again.

“I’m so tired of being some damsel in distress. I’m a man! But you’d never be able to tell with how people treat me.” He paused for a brief moment. "Not that it's ok to treat women like that either, but everyone seems to expect me to act like a girl and they treat me like I’m weak and can’t take care of myself and then things like this happen to prove them right!”

“You aren’t weak. But Kurt, asking for help, getting help, that isn’t a sign of weakness either.” He shifted as his fiancé turn back to face him. The blue eyes were shining again. Kurt looked almost healthy.

“I couldn’t say it. Out loud. I didn’t say anything about it until Rachel walked in on me taking that test. The only reason I talked to her was because she, well, walked in on it! Talking about it just made it more real.”

“What about Thomas?”

“I think he guessed at what happened. I never had to say it to him.” They searched each other’s faces. Kurt’s was apologetic for not telling Blaine, Blaine’s was full of shame for what he had dared assume. “We were just trying to help each other with the wait. Me until I could take that preliminary test and him until he got his results.”

“What about your results?”

“Tomorrow.”

“Two?”

“You saw?” Blaine pulled Kurt’s phone out.

“I was looking to see if I needed to update Rachel, honest. And your dad called, I told him where we were and that you’re ok, but you have to call him as soon as possible. He’s worried about you.”

“I will.” The phone was returned to the safety of Blaine’s pocket before he reached up to run a thumb over Kurt’s cheek. “That test. Its 99.9% accurate when its positive.” Blaine held Kurt as tight as he dared.

“I’ll be right beside you.” Kurt’s hand reached up to mirror Blaine’s, but Blaine stopped it. He held the hand where he could see it with all five fingers bare. “I can’t wait to marry you.” Carefully he caressed the base of Kurt’s finger before pulling the ring off his own hand and returning it to its rightful place.

“We aren’t quite ready yet.”

“Almost, I think.” Blaine traced the warm metal with the tip of his finger. “I know you’ve been thinking about it too. I saw those magazines.” That put a small smile on Kurt’s face. “I really liked those alternative seating arrangements you had marked. It was really unique.”

“I kind of like the traditional set up too though. I don’t know. There’s so much to think about.”

“And no harm in picking out things we like early, don’t you think?”

“I couldn’t agree more.” Blaine pulled Kurt’s hand close and gave it a few gentle kisses. “Blaine.”

“Hm?”

“Did you think I cheated?” His hand was suddenly encompassed. “I won’t be mad, I promise. It did look really bad. Especially with those pictures. Even Rachel assumed it at first.”

“I just couldn’t come up with any explanation that made sense. I never in my wildest dreams thought someone would do something like this to you. This kind of thing, it just doesn’t happen, you know?”

“Oh I know, trust me. I’ve been wrestling with that since it happened. That’s. Well its why sometimes I actually felt like I really had cheated on you. Even though I didn’t want him to do that to me. I keep thinking about what I could have done to stop it or prevent it or anything. Especially when he kept harassing me. And I still didn’t do anything. I just let him bother me like that.”

“I’ll say it as many times as I need to - Kurt, it wasn’t your fault.”

“Sometimes I believe that. It’s hard though.” He actually snuggled closer on his own. His eyes were drooping. Blaine had to know the answer to one last question though.

“There’s one more thing, if you can’t answer just tell me ok?”

“What is it?”

“How did you get, I mean maybe get-”

“How did I get HIV?”

“Yeah. My health class was skimpy on the information but we did learn that you don’t get it by kissing. Dirty needles and. Well.” Blaine was trying to open up doors to avoid the rape word if Kurt didn’t want to go there. It was a heavy one. Much worse than harassment or assault. If it had happened, which Blaine felt sure it had now, then they could learn to use it as Kurt was ready. Not a moment sooner.

“I bit him.”

“Excuse me?” The man’s heart was racing but his breath was stopped. Biting was, while a relief, underwhelming.

“When he got invasive I bit him. Hard. Remember when he couldn’t talk?” Their eyes locked on each other again, Kurt seeking understanding and Blaine trying to understand.

“Oh! That.”

“I know he wanted more. He, well he told me. After, later, whenever he could.” The way they’d been partnered in class. What could have been a sign of Kurt just wanting to spend time with a lover was actually a torturous experience of a man trying to act normal around someone who had attempted to rape him. “He wouldn’t let up. That’s why I never went anywhere in the school alone for a while. I was so scared he might have jumped me. And I still was too ashamed of myself to talk about it.”

“I am so glad he didn’t. I should have paid closer attention.” _Nothing will harm you_. Hadn’t he promised that? He’d failed.

“You had no reason to be suspicious. Like me.” The moment hadn’t been lost. Kurt had caught Blaine falling into his own trap of hindsight-induced-regret. “Its hard to look back when you know something you didn’t know five minutes ago. But there was nothing you could have done Blaine. Austin, he’s kind of crazy. Because his boyfriend cheated on him he tried to get me to cheat on you. That was his brilliant plan for revenge. Making two happy people suffer. But I promise, if he had gotten any further than he did you would have known because I would have called the cops and had him arrested.”

“Why didn’t you call the cops for this?” Kurt licked his lips and glanced around the room. The question stopped him short. It was a brilliant question but a stupid one at the same time. It had felt like it made sense not to report the attack then. Three months later it didn’t make any sense at all.

“It didn’t seem like it was worth it.” That was what it boiled down to. An invasive kiss hadn’t seemed like it was worth reporting despite everything it had done to him.

“Why not?”

“Because it wasn’t actual rape.” There it was. That word. The word even Rachel hadn’t been able to say. Finally out in the open. Maybe it had come out so easily because of the phrase that had come before it. “They would have brushed me off and it would have just been one big embarrassing mess, ok? I’ve been there before, not just with this sort of thing. Without the attack being serious enough and with no proof then all we can do is complain. And nothing will happen.”

Blaine wanted to disagree with him but he’d been told something similar from a different school. Plus he remembered the case that had been all over the news about a girl in Ohio who’d been told her rape wasn’t ‘real rape’ because of what she’d been wearing or something. Sure, New York was different but Blaine didn’t know anything about how the court system treated men in Kurt’s situation at all. He had barely gotten a taste of how society would treat them, though not with a flamboyantly gay man. Who was engaged. While his shirt was off. Who he had enough time to run away from before the attack. It was one giant mess.

Then he remembered. The pictures.

“There is proof though.”

“A picture. That looks like I’m _enjoying_ it. Great that’ll sell it.”

“Three actually but don’t you think it’s kind of suspicious the only ones that got out are ones that look questionable as to whether it was consensual or not? That’s either a really lucky photographer…”

“Or there’s others pictures.” Kurt started to sit up but Blaine’s arms kept him in place. It wasn’t a fight at all though. His body was too worn out. “Blaine who gave you that picture?”

“Felicia.” He watched Kurt’s nose wrinkle up and he leaned over to kiss those wrinkles away. “I know what she was trying to do and she knows that it didn’t work. And wouldn’t have worked. And not just because of the gay thing.”

“I love you Blaine. I’m sorry, I am so sorry, for all of this drama I should have told you.”

“And I really should be mad at you.”

“Why aren’t you?” Blaine waited several long moments so Kurt could calm down again before answering. He watched as Kurt’s eyelids drooped over his eyes again. Sedative medicine tended to have that effect.

“I can’t be. Because I understand. And I can’t tell you how I would have acted, but it wouldn’t have been pretty either. And because you need me. My hero needs me.” He pressed his lips to Kurt’s head as his fiancé laughed quietly at his statement. “I mean it Kurt. You’re my hero. You’re so brave and your smile can light up the darkest rooms and you have this passion for everything you do that I can only ever dream of having.”

“But I’m not-”

“If you’re going to say strong, don’t even try that again. You could probably beat me in a fight.” Blaine had done a similar thing to Kurt. When he’d been attacked he’d picked up boxing and made himself strong. “Well not now but last month you could have. We’ll get you healthy again, get all that weight back. Because you are definitely going to be eating now, right?”

“Mmhm.” He re-situated himself as Kurt snuggled down against his chest. “Did the doctor say when I could go home?”

“In the morning. I was thinking we could go to that park up the street and unwind for a while before your appointment.”

“I’d like that.” After that he was quiet for so long that Blaine thought he’d finally passed out. His fingers traced up to brush through Kurt’s hair, to trace over his shoulder, and to just enjoy the person who was next to him. They weren’t on the edges of their bed now. They were together again. As it should be. Suddenly Kurt’s eyes popped open one more time. “Blaine, if it’s positive-”

“No matter what the doctor says, I’m here for you. I’m not going to leave you.”

“What if you have it?” Blaine actually shrugged his shoulder. Thomas had been very right when he’d said ‘there’s nothing I can do about it now.’

“We’ll deal with it together. And hey, no condoms required*. Saves us some money.”

“This isn’t something to joke about.”

“No, I know. But I mean it Kurt. I’m not going to stop loving you in any sense just because you’re HIV positive. You really are my soulmate. When I’m with you I really believe that I can be happy for the rest of my life. As long as we’re together. Happiness counts more than anything else.” Kurt didn’t say another word. He tilted his head down and Blaine watched for several long minutes until he was sure the man had actually fallen asleep. “I love you Kurt. I’m going to take care of you.”

He pulled his own phone from his pocket. It had been buzzing periodically for a while. Artie. And Sam, since Artie couldn’t keep it to himself apparently. _We’re fine, he told me everything, it wasn’t cheating or drugs or tattoos and its his business to explain. The appointment is tomorrow and we’ll find out if I need to be tested then._

Maybe he hadn’t been there to protect Kurt. They wouldn’t always go everywhere together after all. A little hum vibrated within his chest. He was going to do everything he could every time to make sure no harm came to the man he loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Note on condom use - Blaine doesn't know this, but even if both partners have a disease they still have to use protection because of the possibility for drug resistance (one partner could develop resistance and then pass that along to the other) and re-infection (in the case of diseases that are curable, such as Syphilis, if one partner's body becomes clear of the disease faster than the other)._


	15. That's What Friends Are For

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 15: That's What Friends are For, by Elton John, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder, Dionne Warwick  
> Singers: Artie, Sam, Rachel  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyTpu6BmE88&feature=kp

The nurses hadn’t been pleased that Blaine had insisted on sleeping in Kurt’s bed with him, but Blaine had made a very good case to them and luckily the two night shift nurses were soft hearted enough to let it go. Since Kurt was mostly a mental case rather than a physical one snuggling up with someone he loved and trusted would help him get healthier quicker. So things had gone alright up until around seven when the staff changed over. Then he’d been pulled from the bed and made to sit in the chair or else be thrown out. The morning nurses were having none of the sentimentality. They were going to follow all of the regulations.

Blaine was just glad to have him out of there now. He looked so much healthier today. There was no way to ever forget how beautiful that smile had been when his eyes had fluttered open and Blaine had been right there holding his hand. Blaine never wanted to let go.

They had left the hospital hand in hand and they’d gone to get cheesecake at that little place with the triple berry slice of magic. Kurt had split one slice with Blaine. Just one. It was a start. He’d eaten his breakfast too. Kurt wasn’t feeling an over-the-top urge to eat everything in sight but he was doing more than pushing things around and taking one bite and declaring himself full. His stomach wasn’t revolting anymore. Blaine knew everything and he was still here, unafraid with his gloved hand wrapped right up in Kurt’s.

He didn’t know about the burgeoning rash yet. “Blaine?”

“Hm?”

“I’ve been thinking, do you think it would be ok if we go back to Ohio for Christmas?” Kurt looked shy about his question but he had to know the answer.

“Of course, as long as it’s ok if I stay at your house.” He loved his parents, really he did, but he wasn’t going to leave his love’s side right now.

“I think I can swing that. I mean, we’re both adults now, we’ve been sleeping in the same bed off and on for years, and I’m sure we can handle being good, right?”

“Mmm, maybe.” He’d said it just for that look. It was overflowing with intensity. Blaine leaned over to give him a kiss.

“Uh-uh no!” Kurt turned his head for a moment. “I want you to stay with me this Christmas, so don’t do anything to make it hard for me to convince my dad.”

“I’ll try my best then. It’ll be hard but I’ll manage somehow. For you.” This time Kurt allowed the kiss. He broke it off early though.

“Blaine, seriously, we can’t. I mean, you can’t. I can’t risk infecting you.” Blaine took a hold of both his arms and pulled the man up to his chest, leaving a soft kiss on his lips. “I love you Blaine, please understand.” Kurt’s hands drifted up to hang loosely around Blaine’s waist. He had missed this man so much.

“I do. And I have faith that you’ll have nothing to worry about.”

“Blaine, the preliminary test-”

“Even if you do have HIV. Trust me.” He already had a plan. When Kurt was ready to have sex again he would put it into play. Even if it was at the Hudson-Hummel house. Some things couldn’t wait.

“That makes one of us.” Both their phones went off. “Rachel.”

“Artie.”

“Artie?”

“Long story.” They both pulled out their phones. Blaine had been keeping Artie updated on how things were going all morning. What he didn’t expect was what the text read. _We’re almost to the park_. We? Ok he had mentioned they were at this specific park so that made sense. Artie was their friend, he was going to want to support them. Who was the other half of we though? Or multiple halves? Artie hadn’t gotten Thomas had he? Artie didn’t know Thomas. That couldn’t be possible. Maybe Elliot. Maybe.

“Rachel’s flight landed a little while ago. She’s going to meet us at the hospital.” His breath was shaking again. Blaine draped an arm around his waist. “I can’t believe this is happening.”

“I know. We’re going to get through it. Together. Always together.”

“Always.” If they could Blaine would pull Kurt off to the nearest courthouse right now. He wanted to marry this man so badly it hurt. Blaine tucked his nose against Kurt’s neck. He was never leaving again. “Is that….Blaine!” Suddenly Kurt was pushing away and bolting behind a tree. “Get over here!” Instead of following Blaine looked around. Well, now he knew who the ‘we’ was.

“Blaine!” Sam called from the park gates, waving towards them as he pushed Artie over the well-tended walks. “Finally found you!”

“They knew we were here? Blaine!” There was a panic rising in Kurt’s voice again. Blaine immediately turned to pull him close. They could not go through this again so soon.

“I didn’t know Sam was in town, I didn’t know Artie was going to come here, I’m sorry, please just breathe.” He was scared. Last night had been more than terrifying enough. Kurt was pulling away. Blaine didn’t let go.

“Blaine!” Kurt jerked away. Blaine tried to hold onto his coat. “Why did they come here?”

“Because we’re your friends,” Sam announced as they arrived, anger rising in his voice. Blaine let go of Kurt to grab Sam’s arm and ground him. He didn’t know what Kurt was going through. Frustration was expected. He needed to cool it though.

“Bros look out for each other,” Artie explained, much more calmly.

“When I didn’t know what had happened, I went to stay with Artie,” Blaine tried to explain.

“I know that,” Kurt grumbled. He took several steps away from the trio and wrapped his arms around himself protectively. This was overwhelming.

“I talked to him because I needed to talk to someone and I was scared to talk to you.”

“And I talked to Sam,” Artie confessed. “Because bros look out for each other.” Kurt paused a moment as he took it in.

“Have you told them about last night?” Kurt whispered, stepping away a little more. Blaine followed his pattern. He didn’t want a bigger gap between the two of them. “About what really happened?”

“No,” Blaine told him. “That’s your story to tell, but they know we’re fine. Right guys?”

“Uh, yeah,” Sam offered. He clearly had no idea what was going on anymore.

“You’re here for Blaine,” Kurt stated.

“Well.”

“We’re here for both of you,” Artie tried to insist. “What happened Kurt?” The older man just shook his head. He was liable to start crying again. This time he didn’t pull away when Blaine embraced him. He dropped his face where it could hide from the world. Right in the crook of Blaine’s neck. This was too much.

“Who else knows something is going on?” he whispered.

“I think everyone is probably worried,” Blaine told him. “You haven’t been yourself.”

“No, I can’t, Blaine! I’m not ready for everyone to know.”

“I’m sorry, I am so sorry, I didn’t realize what was going on when I told Artie. But you can count on your friends, right? Sam flew all the way out here to be with you-”

“To be with you.” Blaine paused, then continued.

“To be here when you got your results back. If anyone else knew I’m sure they’d be here too.” Kurt took a deep breath to calm himself.

“Hey, just as long as you guys are ok, we don’t need to know anything else,” Sam offered. “I mean, I want to know the results. But I’m sticking with the same policy as before. You’re both my friends.” Kurt looked long and hard at Sam. “Ok, Blaine’s my best friend, but you’re important too Kurt.”

“I don’t care if you’re together or not,” Artie told him. “You’re both my friends. Just because we don’t play video games three days a week doesn’t mean you’re any less important to me Kurt.”

“We’re definitely together,” Kurt reiterated. “Definitely still getting married. I am never saying goodbye. I mean it. Even after before, I just knew there was no one else that would be perfect to spend my life with. Anyone besides Blaine is just settling for second best.”

“I love you ,” Blaine blurted, nuzzling against his fiancé. Kurt let his eyes slip shut so he could enjoy the sensation.

“Ok ok lovebirds,” Artie interrupted.

“Let them be,” Sam scolded.

“Thank you Sam,” Blaine replied with a smile.

“No, really, if we don’t go you might be late,” Artie interrupted again tapping on his watch. The smiles fanished.

“Right. That.”

Sam made sure to put himself and Artie on one side of Kurt while Blaine held tightly to his hand on the other. They knew where he’d been last night. Blaine had kept them and Burt too well updated on that. Overnight for observation then a release with recommendations to take it easy and seek counseling so he could learn how to better control his anxiety. He’d left Rachel to Kurt.

“Are you still ok?” Blaine whispered as they got closer.

“I have to be.”

“Are you?”

“No. Is it bad that I almost don’t want to know?”

“Trust me, you do,” Artie inserted.

“I know I do. But I don’t.”

“It could still be negative,” Sam pressed.

“And even if it’s not,” Blaine added, “we’re all here for you. No matter what.” He pushed the door open for Kurt. They barely stepped inside when Rachel engulfed him in a hug. “See?”

“I am so lucky,” Kurt mumbled as he wrapped his arms tightly around his friend.

“Hurry up, you’re going to be late.” She gave him a push after breaking away. The men were quick to shimmy out of their winter clothes and pass them over so they wouldn’t have to carry them around. Then he grabbed Blaine’s hand. They were going in together. “I’ll just have these two catch me up as to why they’re here.”

“Yeah that’s a long story,” Artie said as they found a space for themselves. Kurt was called back to the office almost as soon as he checked in. He was right on time, and so was the doctor.

“This is private,” the nurse tried to say to Blaine.

“He’s my partner,” Kurt told her. “He needs to know this too. And I need him there.”

“Just as long as you know you’re waiving your own privacy rights here.”

“I do.” He said it with the firmness of a man agreeing to his vows. They were going to be husbands. This was part of their future together.

“Mr. Hummel,” the doctor greeted, extending her hand out. “And who is this?”

“Blaine Anderson,” the man in question stated. “His fiancé.”

“Ah, it’s good you’re here.” Her hand extended to him and on instinct he held his up. She was quick to redirect and turn his arm over by the sleeve. “Very good you’re here.”

“Blaine!” Kurt gasped. The pink spots were much more noticeable today. They were all over the palms of both his hands. “That’s even worse than mine.”

“Everyone reacts differently,” the doctor explained. “Please, have a seat so we can discuss this.” Blaine had to push Kurt into his chair. The man’s mind was in a whirlwind. How had he missed that? All night, all morning, he hadn’t seen those spots? Well he hadn’t exactly been looking either. “How bad is the rash?” Blaine sighed.

“It’s all over my legs.”

“How long has it been there?” Kurt interjected.

“A couple of days.”

“Please calm down Mr. Hummel,” Dr. York told him. “We haven’t even discussed your results yet.”

“But I gave that to him. I gave him-”

“Syphilis.”

“And?”

“Just syphilis. Mr. Hummel, look at me.” Kurt turned to focus on his doctor. “Your rash, fever, sore throat, achy muscles, all of that, are all very common symptoms. That’s why syphilis was called the great pretender once upon a time. It could have been anything and was often misdiagnosed. These days of course we have people misdiagnosing themselves with the same regularity. Though I can understand your fears, you had good reason for them. But you don’t have HIV.”

“I don’t have HIV.”

“That’s right. You do not have HIV.” She passed the papers over to him. There, clearly marked, was a negative for HIV (among several other diseases they tested for). There was only one positive marking. “Syphilis is completely curable. You’re both going to be fine.” She let that sink in for a moment.

“Treatment?” Blaine asked.

“Do either of you have penicillin allergies?” Two shaking heads put a smile on her face. “Good. We’re going to get you set up to get your shots, maybe we can even get them in today. You may feel sick for about a day afterwards, that’s normal. It’s a reaction to the breakdown of the bacteria. If it continues longer than that call us. And then after that you’ll come back in two weeks for a follow up exam to make sure the treatment is working, and again in three months and six months to make sure the Syphilis is completely gone from your systems. We’ll also re-test for everything else just to be completely sure beyond a doubt.”

“Beyond a doubt?” Kurt asked. His hands were already gripping the arms of the chair. This test was supposed to be the beyond a doubt test.

“In very, very rare cases HIV can take up to six months to manifest.” Blaine reached over to take Kurt’s hand. “Like I said, it’s very rare.”

“No offense, but so are the odds of getting a false positive.”

“Actually in your case that’s not surprising. The test reacts to antibodies and your body was producing an awful lot of those at the time. The antibodies against syphilis are known to be a reason that those tests come back falsely positive. You just happened to be one of those cases. You don’t have HIV Kurt.”

“Kurt?” Blaine whispered when he didn’t respond. His hand squeezed tightly around his love’s.

“It’s just to be safe?” the man whispered.

“Just to be safe,” the doctor repeated. “There are a few other things you need to think about. Both of you. Until you’re cleared for syphilis you have to be extra careful about sex.”

“Don’t worry about that! I promise. I won’t let anything happen.” Blaine felt his eyebrows stitching together. Well that was a little uncomfortable. He’d been hoping their sex lives could start to return to normal.

“As good as that is, you also have to be aware that if either of you have any open sores on your bodies syphilis could potentially spread between you that way. That’s likely how you got it in the first place, by the way. If one of your bodies eliminates the disease before the other you could become re-infected through contact.” Kurt glanced to their locked hands. “That doesn’t mean you have to stop touching each other, just be completely aware of your bodies at all times.”

“Right. We will be. I promise you.” Kurt was tense again. Blaine moved his hand to rub his back. “So we can go?”

“Two more things - in the future you’ll both likely test positive for syphilis in the basic tests because those are for antibodies. Like with the HIV test, the antibodies can throw things off, so make sure to always tell your doctors you had syphilis so they can act accordingly.”

“Ok, what’s the other thing?”

“If anything like this ever happens in the future, if you have any sort of HIV scare, report it immediately. There’s a treatment program called post exposure prophylaxis, or PEP for short. It’s four weeks of medication and significantly reduces the chances of getting HIV. The sooner treatment begins the more likely it is to work.” Kurt glanced to his knees.

“I wasn’t exactly thinking about what I could have gotten when it happened. I wasn’t hurt. He didn’t actually...you know...”

“Keep it in mind for the future. Blood is just as dangerous. Do you both understand?”

“Yes,” they said together.

“Ok. Lets get those shots scheduled.” Blaine gave Kurt a kiss and offered to handle all of that. Kurt had to call his dad. He’d promised. And now he could. He actually had good news. He’d been scared something really bad was happening to them and it turned out it wasn’t.

Rachel came rushing at him in an instant, grabbing his shoulders and shaking him. “Kurt _Elizabeth_ Hummel how dare you not tell me you spent the night in the hospital!”

“Oh, yeah, can we talk about that later? I have to do something.”

“Kurt!”

“My dad has been waiting to hear from me since last night. We’ll talk about it later.”

“But what about the results?” Kurt felt a smile appear on his face immediately. “It’s good news. You don’t have HIV?”

“I don’t have HIV.” Sam attacked him with a hug and Artie engaged in a very interesting combination of claps and fist pumps. It seemed the guy couldn’t figure out how he wanted to cheer so he did both. “We do have syphilis though. Actually, thinking about it that makes sense. Austin’s tongue didn’t feel normal. He must have had the first stage and that’s how I got it.”

“Gross,” Sam offered as he took several steps back. He looked like he was about to say more when Artie pinched him.

“Yeah, super gross. Ok, you guys wait on Blaine. I’m going to step out and call my dad. Right now.” He pried himself away from the three of them and hurried to a safe place to yank out his phone.

“Hello?” the voice came through. Clear but shaken.

“Hey dad. Sorry I worried you, but everything’s fine now. You can ask Blaine. Everything is fine.” His dad was almost silent on the other end. If not for Burt’s breaths he would have thought they’d been disconnected. “I was wondering, can we come home over winter break? I just really want to be with my family right now and Blaine said he was ok with it.”

“Of course, you can come home any time you need to.” The words were shaking even more. “You need to stop scaring me Kurt.”

“I promise I will. I love you dad.”

“I love you too son.” They both took a moment to bite back any tears that threatened them. “So tell me what happened.”

“Before I do, promise me one thing.”

“What’s that?”

“That you’ll just trust me. There’s some things I can’t talk about over the phone but I promise I’m doing my best. This probably won’t sound good but I swear its not bad.”

“That’s not something I need to promise, you know I already trust you.”

“This might test you.”

“I believe in you Kurt.”

“Ok.” He edged away from a group of people and held his breath. Blaine appeared at his side, just in time. He was able to tune out the other three that followed behind his love. With some prompting he was able to give the basics. About his health. He couldn’t talk about the assault over the phone. He could barely talk about the assault at all. Burt really was the best father in the world - he didn’t pry. Yet. They promised to talk about it all when he got home. Blaine promised to hold Kurt to that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _*Medical Notes: Most of the things the doctor talks about turn up easily in a google search for Syphilis, Syphilis treatment, and what to do after a sexual assault. However sources don't all agree on some things, such as how many times a person needs to go in for follow ups. Some said the one I used here (2 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months) while others had more spread out check-ups (ex: 2 weeks, 6 months, 1 year, even 2 years). I couldn't find information on what the exact plan would be in the hospitals near their loft and as such went with what felt like the best-fit for the story._


	16. Titanium

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 16: Titanium, by Sia  
> Singers: Kurt, Blaine, Thomas  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cst7K_7jxYo

“Mr. Hummel.” Their very own dean of NYADA said his name extremely slowly. It sounded heavy with disappointment. Her eyes focused completely on him. He felt almost naked standing here in front of her like this. Blaine gave his hand a squeeze. “And Mr. Anderson. Two young men who I have heard many things about. Last year, the jewels of the school. This year too important to show up to class, or to bother to pay attention when you’re there. What do I owe the pleasure to today?”

“I need to report something,” Kurt whispered. Blaine gave him another nudge of reassurance.

“Go on.” She was starting to turn back to her papers to make it clear how upset she was with them.

“An assault.” Her pen froze as she looked up at them once more.

“An assault?” Her eyes looked between them, searching for injuries.

“A sexual assault.” Now he had her full attention.

“You need to report a sexual assault?”

“Yes. On the first day of classes one of the TA’s, Austin Peters, he uhm.” Kurt’s grip started to cut off circulation in Blaine’s fingers. The other man tried not to flinch. “He assaulted me.” His eyes remained trained on his feet.

“That’s a very strong accusation.”

“We have proof. Well, it should be coming.” All three of them glanced over as Blaine’s phone went off.

“That would be her. I’ll go.” Blaine kissed the back of Kurt’s hand before excusing himself. He made sure to shut the door behind him to give Kurt the most possible privacy.

“Sit down Mr. Hummel,” Tibideaux commanded, though her tone was gentle. “I need you to tell me everything.” She pulled out a form from her top drawer before moving around her desk to take the seat opposite him to add a level of comfort. To show him that she wasn’t just here as someone to record the crime but as an ally as well. “I’m listening. Take as long as you need.”

Felicia was waiting down the empty hall. Everyone was generally dispersed for the afternoon so it wasn’t hard to be alone. She looked small standing there. A camera was around her neck. “Felicia, thank you, did you contact the photographer?”

“Yeah. Blaine, they’re really scared. They know they did something wrong.”

“I should hope so. They just stood around and watched while someone was being attacked! Worse! They took pictures of it and never thought to report what they saw!”

“What they did was really selfish. They want to apologize.” Blaine crossed his arms.

“Tell them that an apology doesn’t mean anything now. What matters is that they do the right thing and come clean. Tell them that. But in the meantime did they at least give you the pictures?”

“Yeah, they took them with this camera.” She passed the camera over. “They’re all on there. If you want to press charges, that’ll probably get you pretty far.”

Blaine paused to look through them. Quick succession, easily a hundred shots of what was clearly Kurt attempting to get away. Then Austin overpowering him, taking him to the wall while he fought, trapping him there. Blaine felt his grip on the camera tighten. Felicia rested her hand lightly on his wrist to bring him back to reality. He took in a sharp breath. “Thank you Felicia. And...I’m really sorry.”

“About what?”

“About what happened a couple weeks ago. You do seem really nice and I’m positive you’ll find the right guy someday. He’s just not going to be me.”

“I hope he’s like you though. It is so inspiring to see how passionate you are about Kurt and how much you trust him even when things look bad. I want someone like that. But straight guys aren’t exactly famous for, well, being a perfect romantic fantasy. Actually in my hometown they’re more known for sitting on the couch guzzling beer and making jokes about women belonging in the kitchen. Not exactly riveting boyfriend material, let alone husband material. I want someone who will fight for me when they need to, and support me in my goals.”

“You’ll find him.” Blaine gave her a pat on the shoulder before turning to head back to the office. His other hand raised up to pat Thomas as his new-found friend joined Felicia in waiting. Thomas had volunteered to come down and both defend and testify against Austin if need be. Because Austin had a right to be angry over what Thomas had done. He just hadn’t vented that anger appropriately and several people had gotten deeply hurt.

“Blaine wait!” Felicia called.

“What is it?” He turned back to her. “I kind of need to hurry, Tibideaux is waiting on this.”

“The photographer, there’s something else. Something really bad.”

“Besides standing around and letting someone get assaulted? Oh and lets not forget conveniently leaking those pictures at _just_ the right time.” Blaine paused as he let his own words sink in. Felicia had shown him those pictures the very day the rumors started to reach their fever pitch. “So I know that wasn’t an accident.” Someone had done this on purpose. He tried to keep himself calm. Now he had two people he needed to rake through the justice system.

“They thought what they were doing was helping you. They waited so long because they knew it was bad but when the rumors started getting bad they thought it would be necessary to share them.” She was crying. Thomas started to move over to comfort her but she brushed him off.

“You helped them?” Her head nodded. “Who was it Felicia. Tell me!” Blaine’s fists balled up. Someone had purposely made this their vendetta against Kurt. For no feasible reason.

“I did it.” The man was stunned. “I did it because I wanted so badly to catch him cheating on you and I wanted you to break up and it was despicable and wrong and evil and-”

“And even knowing the truth you went ahead and lied to me too?” Blaine’s voice filled the entire hallway. He knew he should of seen this coming. “I knew you were messed up but I didn’t think you were-”

“Blaine I’m _sorry_ , I am, I know better now!”

“Oh that’s nice.” His voice cracked. His throat ached from the remnants of his infection but he pushed through it. He was too angry not to. “I’m glad watching someone almost get raped wasn’t enough for you. No, you had to have your heart broken to realize how wrong it was. I am so glad this was a learning experience for you!”

“I’m sorry, please, I am so sorry-”

“Kurt could have been _killed_ Felicia.”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen!”

“No, you’d just let him be attacked. Because that is immensely better.”

“It was only a kiss!”

“It was _assault_. How would you feel if someone forced you up against a wall and started kissing you?” And worse, but Blaine knew Kurt didn’t want that getting out. Kurt didn’t want any this getting out. He took a breath. He had to respect Kurt’s wishes and keep himself from spilling everything.

“He’s a guy, things are different with men.”

“Not really. Assault is assault and rape is rape no matter who the victim is.” Blaine let his fist make contact with the wall. Thomas bolted over and grabbed his shoulders.

“Woah, woah there, don’t go breaking your hand over this,” he offered. “Kurt doesn’t need that right now.”

“Why Felicia. Why would you do something like this?” He’d let her high-school-Rachel appearance fool him into thinking she was just pushy but otherwise harmless. Even Rachel hadn’t been harmless back then (Kurt told him about the fiasco with the Sunshine). It was all in how she looked. She didn’t look like a threat.

“I thought that maybe, just maybe I could show you that maybe you could like a girl. You just needed to know what a woman’s love was like-”

“Cut-throat, deceitful, manipulative, cruel. If a woman’s love is like that then I am even more glad than before to be gay so I’ll _never_ have to deal with that kind of relationship.”

“No! Blaine that isn’t what I meant, I wanted...No, nevermind that. That doesn’t matter. No matter what I thought I was doing, it was wrong, I know that now. I want to make it right.”

“There is nothing you can do to make what you did right.”

“Then what can I do to help?”

“Admit what you did.”

“What?”

“Go tell Tibideaux that you’re the one who took the pictures. You’re a witness. A first hand witness. That’s two things Kurt will have on his side.”

“I wouldn’t have let it go farther, I swear it.”

“I bet you do. But you were willing to take pictures while Kurt was being assaulted, not stand up for him, not report it to anyone, lie about it, and what you did could have destroyed his reputation both in this school and in his profession I’ll have you know. All to try to hook up with a guy you knew was gay and even if he broke up with his fiancé and miraculously suddenly became straight or-or bi would never, ever date someone like you.”

“Blaine!” Thomas interjected. “That’s enough. We’ve all made mistakes in the past, really bad ones that got people hurt.” He used his hands motion that Blaine needed to take some deep breaths. “What she did was bad, yes. But you and I both know how valuable second chances can be.”

“I can’t. Not right now. I’m going to hand this over.”

“I’ll testify,” she whispered. “I took it with that camera, I’ll testify if they need me to. Even if it gets me in trouble.”

“Thank you. That’s a good start.” He retreated at a much quicker pace than before. The door was silent as he pushed it open.

“I know I should have said something sooner,” Kurt was whispering, “but I really just wanted to forget it ever happened. This sort of thing, it isn’t supposed to happen. I expected to get bullied and yeah, even bashed for my sexuality. But never could I ever have imagined that someone would do something like that to me.”

“I understand.” Blaine shut the door quietly as he moved into the room. “Blaine, is that the evidence?”

“Yeah. She said all the pictures taken should be there.” After handing over the camera he wrapped his fingers around the back of Kurt’s chair and gripped until his knuckles lost all their color. Kurt’s eyes were entirely fixated on the device. It had been hard enough seeing one picture of what had happened to him.

“They won’t make me look at those, will they?” he whispered.

“Only if they absolutely have to,” Tibideaux explained. “They’re a lot better at taking care of survivors now. Sadly you aren’t the first student to come to me after an assault. I make it my policy to take every report seriously. It’s important that our students are safe here. I’m going to guess by your question that you’re alright with moving forward with an investigation?” Kurt was quiet for a few moments. He turned his eyes to Blaine.

“It could be really public,” was what he said.

“I’m ok with that,” Blaine responded.

“Then yes.” He looked back at their dean. “I would like to move forward with an investigation, press charges, whatever it is I’m supposed to do now.”

“All you’re supposed to do,” Tibideaux said slowly, “is heal. Would you like me to set you up with appointments with counseling services? They have been trained to help guide you, answer your questions, and just be there to talk through everything you’re dealing with right now. They can help you take legal action as well.”

“Isn’t that what the investigation is?”

“Well, there’s the school conducted investigation, but the worst we can do is fire him and make sure he never enters the school again. The law is where you will, as you said, press charges. He could go to jail if they find his crime severe enough. Or he could get off with community service. It all depends on the jury.” She didn’t often show her emotions but it was clear that this bothered her.

“If. If I do go to counseling. Can I bring Blaine?” Blaine’s hand dipped over the chair to squeeze Kurt’s shoulder. Kurt’s hand darted up to rest over his.

“The sessions will be set up however you need them to be. Alone, with a companion, morning, afternoon, we’ve even been able to, sometimes, set them up outside the offices. Usually that’s for the students in the dorms. You don’t live on campus so you would have to find a place here where you could meet.”

“What about the coffee shop on the corner?”

“You’d have to talk to your counselor about the particulars.”

“Ok. I’ll do it.”

“I’ll leave your information with Dr. Finch. He’s the best counselor for cases like yours. He’ll contact you. What else can I do to help you?” Kurt’s fingers curled into the back of Blaine’s hand.

“I really didn’t do well this semester because of this. I was scared to come to school, I skipped classes because I just couldn’t face this, and I missed some of my performances.”

“So I’ve heard. I can’t tell them to boost your grades. That wouldn’t be fair. But, with your permission, I will let them know what is going on. As the school recognizes this as a medical emergency I might be able to persuade them to allow you to re-take exams or re-do your recitals. It will be a great deal of work but you have surprised me before Mr. Hummel.”

“Thank you, thank you thank you so much.” She offered both of them a warm smile.

“I won’t be able to extend the date on your mid-winter critiques again. I am looking forward to what you two deliver.”

“Of course.”

“Individually?”

“Yes ma’am,” Blaine responded. Kurt became acutely aware that something was wrong in that moment. Blaine didn’t sound right. He stood and linked his arm with Blaine’s.

“I need to get to work,” Kurt pressed urgently. He wanted to get Blaine out of here to find out what had happened. “Thank you so much. What about the camera?”

“This is a school camera, but I can return it to you so you can turn it over to the police if you would like. After we’ve made copies of the files for our purposes. Unless you want to pass it along myself when if and when you need me to.”

“I’d like to do that myself, if that’s ok.”

“However you want to do this, we’re here to support you. No matter who is attacked or what kind of attack it was, something like this is never acceptable.” Kurt let it sink in how lucky he was here at NYADA. There had been a story in the news just a few days ago about a case at NYU that had been essentially brushed off. Among hundreds of other similar reports around the nation. It was terrifying that something so serious wouldn’t be taken seriously. They were shooed from the room as Kurt started to bubble out another dozen thank you’s as his gratitude escaped from every pore.

They almost walked into Felicia on their way out. She slipped past them. Suddenly the tension in Blaine’s shoulders melted. “What’s going on?” he whispered as the door clicked shut behind them.

“I think Felicia might be starting to grow up. I’ll explain later. I need some time to think about it. Figure out just what it means or what else I haven’t thought about yet. We’ll talk about it tomorrow, I promise.” Kurt leaned over to give him a kiss.

“Ok.”


	17. Epilogue: I'm Still Looking Up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue: I'm Still Looking Up, by Jason Meraz  
> Singers: Blaine (ft Kurt)  
> Link: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0  
> Note: Apologies for the late update. My job kept me away from the laptop yesterday. I hope you enjoy the conclusion everyone!

The bags were packed - and zipped, even if it had taken two bottoms owned by two giddy young men to get Kurt's shut - and the loft was ready to be settled down for a few weeks while Kurt and Blaine took their relaxation trip back to Lima. It was odd thinking that Lima would ever be relaxing, but several years out of high school and lots of negative energy in New York had made it happen. It was just going to be a time to breathe and enjoy the good things about life. Like Christmas with a healthy family.

Which they basically were. All of the sores were gone - they'd been keeping track - and their next round of tests were predicted to come back negative. Though they had to wait until after Christmas to hear that news. Kurt was taking as many precautions as possible before then. He was not going to risk Blaine's health. Ever. "Felicia says merry Christmas," Blaine said.

"So does Thomas," Kurt replied as he perched on the edge of the bed. They showed each other their phones. Both had gotten a picture of those two spending time together at the ice skating rink. "They're going to be a cute couple."

"Are you so sure they'll be a couple?"

"Well, maybe, at least for a while. Thomas needs someone with a lot of energy and Felicia needs someone with a good head on their shoulders. They'll balance each other out. Even if they don't date they do seem to need each other." Blaine dropped himself behind Kurt and wrapped his arm around his fiancé. His cheek gently dipped to rest on Kurt's shoulder.

"Do we balance each other?"

"Hm, in some ways. Different ways. Less than we used to."

"What did we used to do?"

"Well, I was always the cute one and you were always the strong one. Now we're both equal parts adorable and equal parts fighter. We've already given each other so much, and changed each other for the better. I think that always happens when you meet someone new. Who's worth meeting at least. You both give each other something that was missing."

"Alright Elphaba. Or are you Glinda?"

"Blaine, you know I am clearly Elphie." Blaine started to just agree with him without further prompting but Kurt elaborated anyway. "Who I am is kind of like Elphie's green skin. There is nothing to hide it, ever. So I had to learn to just be proud of who I am and not ever let people bring me down. And honestly it was a lot harder before I met you. I mean, not even a year before that I was still insisting I wasn't gay."

"Ok, that makes sense. Even if I could never ever sing in Glinda's range."

"Its not about the range. You, Mr. Anderson, are physical perfection, popular from the day I met you, acting like you knew what you were doing even if you had no idea. Like when Galinda dropped the extra A from her name because she had no idea how else to help."

"There's no part in this where you disappear forever, right?"

"Right. No disappearing." Kurt glanced at his palms. Blaine took one hand in his own and brought it to his lips. "Now we're at the end of their storyline, where they've helped each other find huge wonderful parts of themselves they didn't know they could have and since there is no war to drive me into hiding while you go on to be a god of Oz we get to find out what happens next."

"Mm, marriage."

"Marriage." Kurt turned his head to kiss Blaine. Blaine tilted his own to oblige.

"Are we going to change more, do you think?"

"Well, yeah. As long as we're alive we'll be changing. When we make it on Broadway, when I take over the fashion industry. And when we have kids we'll change to adapt to the role of fathers. I have a high bar to live up to and believe me I'm determined to do that."

"Maybe together we can start to dream of outshining your dad."

"Maybe!" Blaine's arms squeezed his waist as he pressed his lips repeatedly against Kurt's neck. "We balance each other in more of a, uhm..." He scrunched his features up as he tried to think of the right words. "A moving sort of way." Kurt leaned back into Blaine's chest.

"Moving?"

"Yeah. You keep me passionate. I can't give up when I'm with you. You move me."

"I thought that was my line."

"It was. Three and a half years ago."

"I can't believe it's been four years since I met you."

"I can't believe it took you six months to realize you should date me." Blaine's kisses brushed all along his neck. Kurt felt his head tilting to the side to give the man more access. He stopped himself as soon as he felt the excitement rising. "Blaine."

Since they were definitely talking about everything now, Kurt had been upfront about his concerns - and his insistence that until he got the final all clear he didn't want Blaine to pleasure him. Austin wasn't talking about his own HIV status with anyone Kurt, Blaine, or Thomas knew so he wanted to be extra safe. So he'd decided, for Blaine's safety, that continually denying himself physical pleasures was the best thing they could do. All of it. Just to be super safe.

His counseling sessions were set up to begin in the first week of January. One of the first things Kurt wanted to tackle was the paranoia that had been haunting him. At least his obsessive tendencies were abating. He hadn't spun his ring all day.

Despite verbally agreeing to Kurt's demands, Blaine had been struggling. Of course he appreciated all of the pleasure Kurt gave him (since syphilis was curable, HIV was not, Kurt was much more willing to take risks for Blaine's physical enjoyment), but he wanted to love on Kurt in return. He wanted the opportunity to caress Kurt's every curve and show his fiancé how he deserved to be treated. The need to do this had never been so strong before. Not even their first time when he had wanted to prove that Kurt's body would always be safe and cared for in his hands. Now he not only felt he had to prove that all over again but he had to remind Kurt what it felt like to be treated right.

Tonight he was determined to do that. They didn't have to catch their flight until two in the afternoon anyway.

"Kurt, I can't just not touch you for three more months."

"I don't want that either but we can't do this. I can't risk it Blaine. I can't risk you."

"Kurt, you won't be. I have a surprise for you."

"A surprise?"

"Mmhm." Blaine kissed his neck again. Then his chin. Eventually his lips found Kurt's. He could feel his fiancé pulling on him, trying to stop him there. Keep him from continuing on. Blaine tucked his hands underneath Kurt's shirt and carefully maneuvered it upwards. He was gentle as he pulled the sleeves off of his fiancé. There were still sore spots where the blood for their follow up tests had been drawn. Once the sweater was gone he laid a kiss near the bruise. Then on the backs of Kurt's shoulders where all those red spots had been. As though each kiss could make it like they never happened. After a moment he stopped and just let his forehead rest against the skin. Kurt tried not to shiver as the warm breath swept over his back.

"What are you going to do?" Kurt turned to face him.

"You'll see." Blaine's voice was soothing and deep, trying to lull Kurt and banish the worries as his hands traced around the other man's waist. Kurt knew if he didn't do something Blaine would get his wish. He wanted this as much as Blaine did but he had to remember: Safety came first.

So he started to turn the situation around. Kurt pushed on Blaine's shoulders to get him to lay down. With adept hands he removed Blaine's clothes. Despite the tightness the layers slipped off easily. Kurt knew all the tricks. He took off everything but the bow-tie. That he used to tuck his finger under and give a little tug. Blaine didn't need to be told twice. He closed the gap for some very hot and very dirty kissing.

There had been some fear after everything came out that Blaine wouldn't want to or be able to touch him. Kurt knew Blaine didn't see him as 'defiled' or anything like that but he had worried his love would treat him like a cracked porcelain doll. He had also worried that he wouldn't be able to do anything. Those thoughts had been foolish. It had only taken a couple of days before he'd glanced at Blaine fresh out of the shower and hadn't been able to stop himself. Now he tugged lightly on Blaine's lip with his teeth as he threw Blaine's haphazardly at their laundry. While hopefully keeping his own secured around his waist.

Blaine was gentler, massaging Kurt's sides while the man was clearly working hard to get him going and wear him out. He wasn't going to let that happen. Not tonight. When Kurt tried to dive downwards he wrapped his arms tight around him and flipped their bodies over. Now it was his turn to steal his fiancé's pants. "Blaine!"

"Don't worry!" Blaine replied, pressing a kiss against his neck.

"I can't not worry!"

"Yes you can." He kissed again. "Here, I'll show you my surprise early." The man reached off his side of the bed and pulled out a box that turned Kurt's cheeks an adorable rosy shade. Red always went so well with his pale cheeks.

"Those aren't 100%-"

"I'll be super careful, I swear. I know how to check for holes." Blaine brushed his fingers over Kurt's arm in a soothing manner. Kurt let all of the tense air out of his lungs.

"It's been a long time since we've messed with those. Wait, are those flavored?" He had to cover his mouth to try and stifle the giggles threatening to erupt. The two of them had only ever explored condom use for very certain activities when they were first exploring it. They hadn't really had to worry about them, being each other's only for so long.

"I have more options too, if these turn out to be bad."

"Options."

"Yeah. I did my research while you were taking your tests." Blaine pulled up another box of not-so-flavored ones that helped Kurt remember why they'd shot down the idea of using them before. Latex tasted terrible. "Honey and chocolate are a bit messier though, so I figured we'd try this first." Blaine made a pouring motion. They had never played much with food before. That sort of mess was a bit of a turn off, in theory. Though Blaine's adorable eagerness suddenly had Kurt willing to give it a go.

"Honey and chocolate? Well hopefully this works out because I really don't want to have to explain to Dad where his honey ran off to next week."

"There's more."

"More?"

"There's these ribbed ones too." Blaine sent him a wink. Clearly he had been a little bit too eager at the store.

"I don't even want to imagine what people were thinking when they saw you buy all of those."

"That a young man wants to be very responsible and have very safe sex with someone?"

"Lots of it apparently."

"Yeah, five boxes is a bit much isn't it?" Kurt had only seen three so far. He couldn't even imagine what else Blaine had stashed away. "I just wanted us to have options." Kurt laughed for a moment as he picked up the box of flavored ones.

"Banana, chocolate, cola, grape, mint, strawberry and vanilla." He leaned back his head and let out a deep sigh. "Really?"

"Well, yeah. You want to be extra safe and-" He paused to lean down and kiss Kurt very deeply for a moment. "I want to take care of you. Just relax. You deserve this." Kurt pulled on his tie to get him to kiss some more. Blaine's fingers tucked into Kurt's pantline. This time there wasn't a fight to get them off.

"I love you Blaine."

"I love you too."

Their kisses were lustful. Blaine felt he had waited too long to do this. He trailed his lips down Kurt's chin, then across his chest, then back to his neck. Then his lips pulled back so he could brush his teeth softly against the pale skin. Kurt gasped and lurched underneath him.

He felt his fiancé's hands tuck between their bodies in an instinctual response. Kurt's fingers were searching for Blaine's pleasure spots. Blaine knew he couldn't let that happen. Even if Kurt was back on board with the mutual sex thing it was too easy for him to slip back into what had become normal for them lately. He wanted to make sure Kurt was taken care of first.

Blaine reached down and took Kurt's hands and lifted them above their heads as he pressed their bodies together, preventing Kurt from trying to do that again. For a moment he held them there. Kurt's body pressed against him and he ever-so-expertly rocked his hips down. "Ah! _Blaine_!" At first Blaine felt a proud smirk tugging onto his lips.

He was careful as he let his hands (and tongue) rove over Kurt's chest, stomach, hips, and everywhere else that didn't require a condom. At first Kurt's fingers curled through his hair. They destroyed the gel that held his locks in place but that didn't matter. Even if his hair gel was all packed. He could handle one day with free flowing curls just to do this right now.

"Blaine?" The man worked harder. "Blaine! Come here!" He glanced up for a moment, offering a teasing smile. "I need you to come here right now!" The urgency was what caught him. Blaine crawled back up. Kurt immediately showered his face in kisses. Deep ones, light ones, each needier than before.

"What's wrong." His heart started racing for all the wrong reasons.

"Nothing."

"Tell me." Blaine sat up, straddled across Kurt, unsure if he should get up entirely or wait out whatever Kurt was coping with right now.

"Can we just-"

"It's important that you tell me. This night is about you and what you need. Including talking." There were many things that made Blaine so incredibly attractive. His patience with their intimate lives was very high on that list.

"Ok, ok. I'm sorry, what you're doing is great I promise. I love it. I love you. You're wonderful Blaine."

"But?"

"Just, for a moment, my mind just went places. But it's passed now, honest."

"Do you want to stop?"

"No!"

"Kurt, I don't want you to push yourself on my account."

"I'm not. You know I'd tell you if I couldn't do this." Kurt tucked his hands over Blaine's thighs so he could rub his legs. To soothe away the panic that was etching onto Blaine's face.

"Was it because of what I did?"

"No."

"But. Kurt, I was pinning you down just a second ago."

"So?"

"That's what he-"

"Don't go there, please."

"I don't want to trigger you."

"You aren't. Not by what you're doing." His hands traveled to the small of Blaine's back and he gave a little push of encouragement to get the man to lay back down. Blaine didn't budge. "I love you Blaine, and I do really want this." He actually reached over and opened up the box of flavored condoms and offered a rainbow of options to Blaine. "Ok?"

"You'll tell me if I get too rough, won't you?"

"Blaine. You do realize you are so hot when you get rough, don't you?" Now the dark haired man was starting to relax again. He bent over for a kiss.

"You'll tell me?"

"Of course. But I won't need to." Another kiss. Blaine ran a finger over the options before him. Ultimately he picked one at random. The selection itself didn't matter They could always run through them until they found a good one.

"I'm hot when I'm rough, hm?" he teased lightly.

"Don't make me regret telling you that." No sooner than Kurt spoke those words then Blaine pulled him up the bed so his head could rest on the pillow. Then Blaine took Kurt's fingers and curled them around two of the bars in their headboard.

"You might want to hang on." His words were enough to get Kurt to take a sharp breath in anticipation. His hands gripped the bars tightly. The soft brush of Blaine's fingers down Kurt's side delivered a low moan of approval. So Blaine pressed on. Rough and gentle, hard and soft, fast and slow. He gave attention to every sensational spot on Kurt's body with every part of his that he could use. It was a wonder the neighbors didn't complain. Even with brick walls, Kurt was loud. Neither of them felt any reason to taper it either.

If the condom tasted bad Blaine didn't let on. Despite having an array at their disposal he didn't want to break the moment to grab a different one. Hearing Kurt like this was music in his ears. He was almost sad when it was over. Knowing they would be able to do this again was what kept a soft, almost goofy smile on his face as they snuggled up for the ever-wonderful after-sex cuddling. "You look pleased," Kurt whispered.

"I am pleased." He ran his fingers over Kurt's cheek. Kurt let himself get lost in those eyes. He pushed Blaine over onto the bed so he could drape himself on top. "This doesn't bother you?"

"Hm?"

"Us being together like this? After what happened?" Kurt stared for a moment. Then he let his nose and mouth bury themselves deep into Blaine's neck.

"Sometimes it does. Sometimes I can't bring myself to touch you because I think of him and that feels so much like cheating that I can't do that to you. But I'm not thinking of him because I liked it or want to be with him ever. But I don't want those memories to defile us." He paused to breathe. Blaine rubbed his back. "Then like tonight it'll just hurt to let you touch me, knowing what he did to me."

"You promise you didn't force yourself?"

"I promise. Ugh it's so much better now that I can talk to you about this. God I was so stupid!"

"No, no, no Kurt. You weren't stupid. You were dealing with something horrific in the best way you could. And no matter what we're doing, if you need to stop, just tell me. Anytime. Even if it's years from now." Kurt propped himself up over Blaine to look into those wonderful perfect eyes.

"You're really good at this."

"I didn't just do research into the best condoms for hot gay sex. You mean so much to me. I'm going to do everything I can for you, I promise."

"You are so perfect."

"You're perfect-er." Kurt slapped his shoulder. "I love you."

"I love you too." He bowed his head for a kiss. "How did I get so lucky?" Blaine tucked his fingers into the hair on the sides of Kurt’s head. He lifted the head so he could gaze directly into those beautiful, wonderful, so-very-alive eyes.

"You know I'm the lucky one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>   
>  **Fin**   
> 
> 
> I have been considering a sequel since this isn't where these sorts of stories end and there's much more to write. I'm just not sure if Kurt telling Burt will be riveting or repetitive and I'm sure dealing with the legal processes will be as entertaining as the doctor hashing out treatment plans, but there is still NYADA, June, their friends, and the public's reactions to deal with. For anyone familiar with any sexual assault or rape case, it's an uphill battle for all victims just to be treated with respect by society and even their own families after their attack (Blaine, of course, being Mr. I-Walked-Out-of-all-Your-Best-Dreams(-for-the-Most-Part), is that sweet understanding partner every victim needs, but if you notice even he's struggled a little bit with the alterations to their sex lives). If I do write a sequel it promises to be even more angsty than this one and I'm not sure if I can go down that path, but I would like to hear your opinions. If enough people are interested I am willing to try.
> 
> And since you made it here's some fun facts about the writing process:  
> Before I started writing I planned for this to be 4 chapters. Kurt is assaulted, Blaine notices Kurt and the then unnamed 'big man' have some sort of odd relationship going on, Blaine confronts Kurt, happy ending chapter where Kurt gets his negative test results.
> 
> I realized that four chapters couldn't do this particular story justice so I expanded. And expanded some more.
> 
> Austin was initially a student and I originally had him as a classmate during their stage fighting class from the show.
> 
> This fic was sparked in my head by the way some of the guys looked like they were checking Kurt out during Tested.
> 
> I added Felicia as a counter-balance to Austin both to show that girls can be a threat to men too (anyone can be inappropriate, just like anyone can be a victim) and to show that not all potential attackers see themselves as such. More often than not they don't realize what they're doing is wrong until far later - sometimes even after going so far as to commit rape without ever knowing the other person wasn't consenting, usually because they didn't look or ask or just assumed consent in the case of alcohol or drug involvement. She didn't see her behavior as stalking but as trying to win Blaine's heart, not unlike many (many) romantic interests in romance movies.
> 
> The first mostly-complete draft had 10 chapters and was 80 pages long.
> 
> This draft - the third - is 140 pages and the text itself is approximately 58,000 words. Congratulations! And thank you so much for reading my story. Honest it means the world to me.


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